25yearsmlc 10 yrs later I File D (part 4)

[25yearsmlc]

Okay well,

As sad/horrifying as that all was, I'm redirecting my focus onto my own path. Not saying I won't continue to ponder and muddle about R's behavior and such,

but I know I have a tendency to deflect from my own path when tragedy strikes another.

And as "empathetic" as that can be (and often is), it's also a way to avoid my own pain.

Dealing with d19's legal problem and spoke to a good sounding defense attorney. Oh guess what? He's NOT free...and I really truly do not have the money to pay him, at this moment. Not sure if I will, either.

D19 has some savings but dear God I hate using that. And yes, I searched for pro bono lawyers but of course she/we do not qualify.

*** Financial note for All** Fafsa for college is due this month (didn't know I'd be doing that this year...)

And I went to a seminar for divorce's financial aspects, called "Second Saturday" - ironically held on a Sunday. It's not just for women but it was aimed at those who are the lower income earners in a divorce. Mostly women.

It costs $25 and had a Div L, a therapist and a CPA/Financial Planner. VERY USEFUL info

I used to teach an intro to personal finance about investing. Well, there was a lot of info uniquely suited to divorcees (401k's have different tax consequences in divorce than I knew of, and IRAs are not treated the same in a divorce---wacky news to me)

Point of all this was ^^ to pass on the college reminder and to recommend that we all get a financial planner to review our settlement agreements as our lawyers are usually NOT trained in that.

This is the biggest financial transaction of our lives and should be treated as such.


I had a dream of h last night and in it, he was at some gathering and we were still together. But when I approached him from the side to see his reaction (guess I was suspicious in the dream), and he was visibly NOT happy to see me. Ouch.

In the dream at least, it meant that I could see the lack of love he had for me right then.

Gee, nothing symbolic there!

The fear of him being indifferent to me now is palpable. It's hard to believe due to the time together and all that he meant to me. All that our m meant to me but also, I cede the fear of leaving was stronger in me than I care to admit.

Whatever love he MAY feel, is a lot easier to block out when you have a new R and no reminders as you are in your "paradise adventure land". Yes, sure, I know this in my head.

But I have to face 2 things. H is not loving towards me no matter what he may feel or when he may feel it. And he may really have talked himself out of love b/c as we all know, love is always partly a choice. I think Not loving is also partly a choice. Maybe I need to make that choice more strenuously.

Second,my tendency to ruminate has to be cognitively more disciplined. Shorter.

I MUST redirect my time and thoughts away from h and the past, way more and faster.

A few months back I told myself that I had to learn from my mistakes, which is true.

But that cannot mean it's what I mostly think about. And It does not have to mean the lessons learned must happen before moving forward.

For ME, I have to move forward NOW. I cannot remain stuck anymore. This summer (though it's God awful humid back here! I'm reminded of why I prefer drier climates)

And then it'll be autumn and then winter and I have got to have a new life going on.

As I go along and really begin to enjoy at least some aspects of this new life, I can periodically check for a lesson from the past. I don't have to keep looking there. Like my mantra is supposed to be, "don't look back; it's not where you're going."

I must learn to enjoy a lot more about this new life, now.

The GDC will entail much looking back and much regret/fear, so I'm going to try to make that the only part of "backward looking" that I do each day I do it. That is the goal for this summer or till the divorce is final, whichever is longer.

No date on when the divorce might be done,but maybe this summer. Seems really fast to me.

God, it could happen right before our 36th anniversary. Lovely. Guess I won't be spending it in Paris (but I will go to Paris! Trust me on that).

I should plan some type of ritual for the anniversary or that day will bring me DOWN...

(unless I force my focus to be elsewhere??)

That's it for now