I understand so well, so painfully well, all the things you've described - the never ending heartache, the grief when you look at your children, the behaviour of your WH, hoping it's all been a bad dream, the self blame...
Others have told me on this board what I'm going to tell you, because I am only just beginning to realise this and accept this. This is NOT your fault. I don't know anything about you but I know this for a fact, it is NOT your fault. You didn't make this happen. Just as you could have done whatever you've done doubly to another man and he wouldn't have walked, your WH could have had a perfectly placid non-reactive brain-dead amoeba of a W and still done the same to her.
I'm not saying you or I are totally blameless. We know what parts we played. But we cannot and should not take full accountability for this outcome, whatever that outcome is. you and your WH are adults. You didn't force him into this behaviour. If you could force him into any behaviour, it surely wouldn't be this, would it? The outcome is a combination of his behaviour and yours. The only thing you can do is to stop making things worse and to stop feeding him justification for whatever craziness he's cooking up.
I had an epiphany yesterday about how controlling I've been. Not just of my WH, but of my own life. Up to yesterday I've been crying out for a sign as to what is going to happen next. That's what so many of us do on these boards, analyse what our WS are doing, read for signs, obsess over meaning that may or may not be there. It's the equivalent to scrying, reading tea leaves, looking for meaning in the stars. We're looking for control because we're afraid to let go.
If we let go (and I say this to myself as much as you), what changes? Nothing. We have more peace because there's less futile mental dialouge. We might actually get the time to think about something that is amusing. We go to bed heartbroken and wake up heartbroken, and whatever happens will happen anyway.
I've been trying to let go, and am going to keep trying. Keep trying with me. We can do this.
