I just meant I feel like this is a bad dream. All this time things weren't great but he told me no matter what he wouldn't walk out. That 'he wasn't going anywhere' and he hasn't. He continues to make future plans. 3 weeks ago he made plans for our yearly couples trip at Halloween and there are other plans we have made together as well I won't list out. So while things wrrrnt great I felt like he was still here. He was conflicted.
Then he changed a couple weeks ago. He became so angry short tempered and withdrawn. I found out about the steroid shots and started seeing the banter on FB. I also found out about the concert tickets and my heart sank because I knew where we were heading if it kept up this way just from my experience from previous BD.
I'm struggling with feeling inadequate. Like I pushed him away. Like I made him as miserable as he said. The last two nights he is like a complete strangers. We haven't talked and it's like I don't even know him anymore.
I'm trying to let go. My heart and brain are fighting because I know I need to be silent and say nothing but I feel like I'm helping push him further out the door.
When it comes to him leaving I think maybe I explained it wrong. I am trying to prepare myself as best I can. I know it's coming. I just meant I'm not sure it will be today or if he will wait til the day of the concert to just buy himself more time.
H had been the man I needed. He had made changes. The changes just didn't stick when things got tough. He withdrew and I chased after him pushing him away further.
I don't want this. I don't want a divorce. I look at this baby and my heart breaks in a million pieces all over again. I look at my boys and think I've failed them and let them down. That because of me we will have 2 homes and separate lives. I am sick to my stomach that for the rest of my life I won't see them everyday.
The only thing I can confidently say of H is he knee jerks. He makes irrational decisions at the drop of a hat for instant gratification.
The motorcycle he bought when I first told him I was uncomfortable with his behavior and we needed to talk. The next day he bought the bike. I just found out yesterday he bought a 6000 dollar tool box a couple weeks ago. Now, after he told me he was moving out the next day he's filling out a mortgage application. He told me he never planned on moving out until yesterday that I made him snap and it's over. So it's like is that true. Did I push him into this decision and now I have to live with this for ever
These are my thoughts I'm trying to figure out. I woke up praying it was a bad dream.
