Here again part 6

[25yearsmlc]

I know 25.

I just have so much going on. The baby doesn't go to sleep til 1 then is up every 2 hours I have to get up at 5 on during the week to feed him change him get everything ready for the day. I have an hour and a half commute each day. I spend my dad seeing patients pumping in my car while eating lunch and crying.

I have a paper due an exam Monday and I'm not making any money because I'm out of work for 12 weeks.

what of these things ^^ can you modify, delay, delete or just get through?

I had our son while I was in law school (why yes, he was a, "premature" baby)

I began to say "C = JD" and not worry about my GPA. Others graduated with honors, I graduated with a baby boy. It's not like anyone has asked me for my GPA, lately

Oh wait, other than h's lawyer I mean. ((OMG my mediocre GPA might be of use now!!)

If something has to slide (and something does have to slide), let it be one of the things that really do not matter in the grand scheme of things.


I know it's a waste of time to want otherwise


do you really know that? Because I'm not sure. I happen to know it's true, but when you say it, sometimes I feel like you're spouting something you think sounds insightful but its not really where you are.

It's certainly not what you want to believe so at some level, you do not "know" it. Which I understand.

My lesson - which I hope to pass on but which I held off on b/c I didn't want to project my situation onto yours, AND b/c heck, you were pregnant -

was that the past few years, I saw what I wanted to see for too long. I saw what validated my choice to stay.

I worked SO HARD to DB and finally got to the recon part (YAY!)

and then we remained married for another decade but we did not piece - no really, we did not piece.

I'm not just saying that with the benefit of hindsight so much as I was thinking then "hey, it's great and true that we recon and that was my goal !!" Forgetting the rest...those vague thoughts in the background that there is more work to do...

AND then h's mom got sick 4 months into the recon, so I didn't dig deeper to piece, or have h dig deeper...maybe I didn't want to know that h really was selfish or didn't love me the way I loved him?

True, he regretted things, and Retrovaille revealed that. BUT

a) his regret was short lasting

(b/c it was very uncomfortable/;painful for him? B/c he's horrible at humility??)

and b)

he could/would not change or work to repair the damage he created. H sought no IC, for instance. After all that damage, why on earth would you not get IC? Shame? Fear of what you really do prioritize??


Now there's a blinking red light with alarms telling me what I resisted seeing...now there is no hiding from the truth, whatever the underlying cause.





but I just can't imagine he will really leave. I know I need to prepare myself

yes you must prepare yourself. He has left before. Says he will again, told his mom and is making plans to do so. You believe he has an OW and there is some evidence of an inappropriate relationship with one.

The kisses and "ILY's" for the mother of his child might be b/c a part of him is conflicted. I don't know.

But if his nightly/weekly kisses and a few games with the boys - are enough for you to let him stick around part time, while also letting him do what he wants elsewhere,

I won't judge.

It's just that you keep drawing lines in the sand declaring that you are done or he is done and that he has to go but then you add in the word "IF" which is another way of moving the boundary back.

IMO you Think your choices are between

Option A) having a satisfying marriage with your h, soon.

but Option A is not on the table now. You don't get Option A now and you may never get that with him.

So it's between Option B)

STFU and let him live in the house on his own terms. That seems to be mostly as a single man who gets family fixes when he wants them, while his wife hopes an internal earthquake makes him the man she wants him to become or was,

For the most part you are living in Option B at the moment, with a few gestures from him that you cling to, hoping that they indicate Option A is still available...

or Option C)

Ending it now & live well, with the possibility of recon later so that real piecing can occur...

and or living well without him, period.

Option A & B are about him and his power & you hoping...

Option C gives You power over your life.

Option C Requires you to act, and to stop expecting or hoping.
And this is at a very hard time in your life.

How can you make things easier on yourself, apart from your h?