25yearsmlc 10 yrs later I File D (part 4)

[25yearsmlc]

25,

Super sad story. We'll never know of course but let me dissent and say maybe not mental illness. After b d, I never thought of hurting my w but I thought a lot about running away or killing myself which is just another form of escape. On the outside, no one knew this. I did well at work, upheld all of my social responsibilities with family and friends...yet inside, I was in the darkest place I'd ever been. I could not sleep. When I couldn't take it anymore, I finally told a friend and that was the road to self recovery for me, but it was very dark for about three months.

Gordie, please don't be offended, but this^^ description sounds like severe depression for which you sought help. How is that not mental illness?

(I don't mean insanity, just despair and depression. A "very dark place".

Clearly R was in a dark place for sure. No question.

FWIW, there was no planning in this. (This was explored at length tonight).

So he snapped and then had a few minutes to drive 1/2 a mile to his place, get a gun and take his own life.

I wouldn't say that was sufficient time to recover from a damn traumatic event of an unplanned attack, or whatever state he was in, but I suspect he began to realize the enormity of what he'd done and couldn't face it.

Here is one take away from the support group, to focus more on ...

We all have to remember that no matter how dark a place we find ourselves, no matter the levels of loss, there is hope.

Things really do get better.

Either R could not see Hope anymore, or something threw him so off balance...

His ex was going to buy a house with her boyfriend. From what I understand the bf was not an OM, but a guy she began dating after the Div.

I'm sure that hurt R, & he realized a recon was not likely, and financial problems were present, and his disabled son was increasingly hard to manage - while R was also trying to bond with his d9 - and so on...

No violence before this, but R had admitted he had anger issues he wanted to work on.

As bad as that^^ now sounds, (as his anger issue clearly had an epic fail)-
the point is that he saw it, he admitted it and he was trying...

Look, I know I'm defending the bad guy in this. It's weird, I know.

R did a terrible horrific thing that will have generational ramifications. And now he's gone forever, and so is the mother of his children.

I'm still really quite a bit stunned.

Guys, As of Saturday, R was a good man helping others. He quietly but specifically cheered and encouraged all of us in the group. Little pep talks with insight.

He was also just a middle aged guy struggling to face enormous loss due in part to his own demons, which he owned up to. He seemed to be doing everything he could to improve as a man and father.

I wonder if it was just in that minute...OR if he had lost all hope...??

Sometimes it's really hard to feel in our hearts, what we know in our heads.

The sun will eventually rise, even if the night seems endless & without stars.

Not to lose hope, but to hold it tightly, especially when you're under fire.


thanks for listening