something strange... or is it? this past weekend while hanging out with a buddy, his wife told me she, some months ago tried to tell my wife she was making a mistake - all the while i thought all my wife friends said things like... whatever you do, i support you.
just before that, a few days prior a good friend of my wife's, and mine, emailed me saying our local football team starts playing soon and that she missed cheering for them over a few beers. this is purely a friendly very short few emails back and forth. days later, my wife asks if i had been texting her friend, I'm honest, kept it short and said she emailed me about the football team. I know my wife speaks with her daughter regularly
in prior weeks my wife has been finding things, which are nothing, but asking me about them. A bottle of midol was on the counter, it must have fallen out of our medicine cabinet and not been put back. a week prior she saw a tampon plastic package was beside the washroom garbage and asked me who's it could be. not confrontation discussions. short then over. but odd conversations none the less
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
there's absolutely nothing to anything she found, just odd that she had even the vaguest thought of me with any other woman, beyond her saying many months ago that she wasn't bothered by the thought of me with another woman. there is nothing to anything she found. weird
she also knows that i may have a career advancement on the horizon as I've been busting my butt to do so
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
my wife went out tonight after work. she let me know ahead of time. while she leaves for the weekend its the first time she stayed out on a weeknight. When she texted to say she would be home in the morning i said we need to talk. the few texts back and forth were short. one of hers said "I'm not going to feel bad for doing what i want to do". i reminded my request to talk tomorrow stating she deserves happiness to essentially deflate things
having reread the Divorce Remedy and reread many wayward spouse posts, I've come to realize Sandi's advice of tough love and consequences ma be long over due. i just worry nothing will change things, but know enough to know more of the same isn't much better.
We share income and expenses. She gets her hair died every 4-6 weeks at about $150 and nails every two weeks. I don't have a cell phone to pay as mine is paid through work but hers is paid by us. Further she needs some cosmetic dental work for about $1-2000.
bomb drop was Oct 2016, but she is still in the house, hasn't talked about an actual move out date, nor have i brought it up.
i suspect an OM, but have spied or chased, and definitely know she is enjoying the party life with new friends a number of which are newly single female friends.
i feel i may have set things back with the texts. I tried to hold back and didn't go over the top, but enough to definitely ruffle her feathers
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
that should have read, i rescinded my request to talk tomorrow. although i certainly could talk about how i do the lions share of bill paying, household chores, and dog sitting, but can't imagine it would resolve anything
now I'm uncertain what to do tomorrow and would appreciate feedback
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
I can understand your hesitation to rock the boat. You need to figure out what is best for you.
Confronting a WW rarely results in the situation being instantly fixed. I say rarely but honestly usually it makes things worse. But you just need to prepare yourself for it possibly getting worse as that may be necessary before it gets better. And in life sometimes we have to do the right/best thing REGARDLESS of the outcome.
I would not confront about an affair without solid proof. However if her behavior is not acceptable to you that is the time to put in place a boundary. A word of advice though first. You cannot expect a W who has dumped you, to act the same as a W pre BD. That is not reasonable. However you do not have to live with behavior that is not acceptable to you.
She sees herself as a free W and lives that way. Without condoning it, she is normal to do so. It is consistent. You can no longer control what she does BUT you can control how you let her behave/treat you.
I have not read back enough of your story to comment further. But the comment that sparked my attention was about you backing down from confronting her. I am not saying you should or you need to.confront her but the way you backed down screams at me to let you know how your W will view that:
She goes out living it up. You let her know you want to talk to her about it. She texts saying she won't feel bad for doing what she wants to do. You drop the planned talk. I believe your logic was to keep the peace and not add negativity. That is good. But she views it as you backing down. I will not repeat what sandi discuses many times on this forum. I bow to her superb way of explaining her logic. Please reread her stuff.
I personally believe boundaries are an integral part of a healthy M and essential to saving one. But choose your battles wisely. Don't clamp down left right and center about everything at once.
Lastly from your last few posts it appears your W has it cosy financially. Is she contributing equally? Regardless I can see why she is in no hurry to leave and it has nothing to do with uncertainty but more to do with being comfortable.
Saving a M takes a long time, but the healing cannot begin until the WAS realises it is her demons that are the root of the problem.If too comfortable your W may take a long long time before looking into her issues She has her solution and for now she is fine living it up
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I also think boundaries are important especially for us
the Mlcer will usually not follow any boundaries
you probably have tp decide if you want to continue living with her maybe you can plan more outings on your own as well and not be home when she gets back go away for a weekend ect
My XH used to get home at like 3 or 4 am many nights and then he started staying out all night He did have OW and eventually M her
He moved out and it was best because watching him drop in at 4 am was difficult on me once he left the energy in our home was better but it is a tough call some Mlcers will stay at home I hear the chances of reconciliation are better but of course it is no guarantee
No easy answer but try to take care of yourself get a hobby..make a new friend..have fun buy a new outfit visit an old friend volunteer
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
MY XH wanted to have FUN..He always looked at me as the prison guard to prevent him I expected him to be a grown up , a dad's --and he did it until he hit 40-then it was all about him as if he had no wife, no kids
While In mlc I said things to him like have fun as he left for the night I never asked where he was I listened to him talk about work I was there for him It was good for me to do that..I wanted to support him as I knew he was in a crises It didn't bring him back, but it was so worth it ..I needed to do it He moved out after 4 months from BD he filed 2 years later I tried for a long time II made a new life, raised the kids alone, worked and supported us I made new friends met another man ect took guitar lessons..joined a band at our music school when he M ow it was over for me
The goal here in DB I believe is getting a life for us becoming a better person and practicing that with our situation taking the high road no matter what they are doing when the time is pertly right..they will leave for good or they will return only time will tell
we can be as patient and present as we want,,we can keep hope for R one day,,we can change our patterns and become a better spouse and friend for a time even though it hurts like heck to watch the MLCer go and come as they please WE can choose any thing that works and we learn as we go
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I have a live in. I tried a lot of taking early and learned that it didn't do any good. Your re read the books. What can you do to try something new? You can only control you. Your kids are older and out of the house, right? So maybe you need to live more independently. Do what you want when you want. Be positive and find that place of contentment no matter your circumstances or marital status. Surprise yourself by trying new things. If you are waiting forn your w to change her ways, it may take a very long time so you need to live the life you want to live without her even if you are still technically under the same roof. If you don't like your current financial set up then you can try to change that amicably but if that's not possible then you need a L and a separation agreement. W and aI divided out finances earlier this year and it's actually made things better between us.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
