25yearsmlc 10 yrs later I File D (part 4)

[25yearsmlc]

I hear you AS and thanks for replying. Killing his wife (or himself) was totally at odds with his religious beliefs too. This particular group is hosted by a church. No "doctrine" is preached but we do pray and I recall R leading a prayer himself. So I do think it was mental illness that was underneath whatever ability he had to function at work.

So I guess it's not about what we could have done for him, but that something in him was holding onto the ledge by a thread...and whatever happened in that house in that 2 minute time period, pushed him off the ledge.

Or maybe he was steaming inside all the while, and faking outside. I don't know. I know he didn't bring the gun with him to kill her and he had just been with the kids, but he owned one (he killed himself with it minutes later).

I felt like I was at my maxed out stress after d19 got arrested/assaulted AND H cut off her college in the same week.

But I never felt like I'd kill someone or myself. More like I'd flee to a place far away...

the few times I thought of offing myself, which were brief, I always remembered that my kids and siblings and friends would feel really crappy. Forever ruined.

And I'd be the "loser" in this whole big weird ordeal. I don't want to be that. I want to be the winner

or A winner (not saying there can only be one).

ugh...

I'm sad that R will be vilified as being an evil monster. I already saw people blaming guns AND OR that "men kill wives b/c they think the women belong to them"...

but as you say & as I believe, it was mental illness. Severe depression for at least a year since his BD (might have been 2 years, can't recall at the moment).

There is no record of domestic violence and no police calls to his home. I felt that he came across as articulate and calm.

The last 2 meetings he did not initiate any discussion or use his turn to speak. He replied to other's comments or questions, and he made an effort to be at every meeting, even if from afar.

I saw his fewer words as meaning nothing big had changed in his situation or that he was more at peace with it.

Wrong again.