Limerence and My Situation

[Parkema]

TxHubby

It's such a shame, before the A my WW was the perfect role model and I was extremely proud to be her H! Now she's totally changed into something I can't mention on here...

Thanks.

[TxHubby]

TxHubby

It's such a shame, before the A my WW was the perfect role model and I was extremely proud to be her H! Now she's totally changed into something I can't mention on here...

Thanks.

It happens. She may come to her senses she may not. I've seen it go both ways. You may wake up one day and decide you're too good to be treated like this and not ever want her back. That happens too. Trust me, I know.

[Woke_Up]

Parkema

Sorry about your sitch, but you seem to have your head screwed on, and be emotionally solid and coping with it. Detaching is difficult. If you get a chance, read up on a poster called Vanilla, she has some good insight on detachment. It is not being cold or distant. It is observing. Fly on the wall. Observe closely, but almost as a 3rd party, and analyse what you observe.

When it comes to your kids, have you considered being unavailable for her to visit - taking the boys out for the day? I feel for you, I dread getting to this stage.

When I took my D5 to visit my parents, she missed mummy every night and we phoned/FaceTimed. When she went camping with WW on Saturday, she started crying when she realised Daddy wasn't going. It will be hard when we separate to different houses. I guess if mine was in a PA rather than an EA then, I would probably have done the same. I'm also in the UK so understand why the H is generally the one who has to leave.

While I agree with your views on limerence, I find it doesn't help me with the emotional roller coaster. I even explained limerance and provided resources on it to my WW but she has resisted. She has looked up her own resources on affairs, relationship mending, etc, and sent me links - You see, she KNOWS what is is, she KNOWS it is wrong, she KNOWS that the EAP is flawed and a worse choice long term... she is just unwilling to let go of the feelings.

Just as your WW knows. Ultimately it is a selfish act. They are putting their feelings above all else. Now, as my DB coach said, feelings change. It's a long haul. Looks like you are willing to wait it out. Only you can decide how long.

Best of luck, mate.

[AnotherStander]

Hi Parkema,

I saw the word "strategy" used several times in your thread and it makes me cringe every time I read it! Strategy implies you are doing things to try and get her back, and if you are then you are destined for failure. WAS's can read right through our actions, our "strategies" to get them back just look desperate and needy to them. They think we're trying to trick them into coming back (which usually is true early on) so we can resume our previous life. But if they wanted that previous life, this never would have happened. The old life is done and gone. Your goal is to work on yourself and give her time and space to work on herself. Maybe your paths will intersect again in the future, you can't predict when that will be but it will probably be a lot longer than you expect.

I have been reading Sandi2's posts and see mentioned "dropping the rope", do I understand it is a form of NC more importantly a more aggressive form of NC?

Dropping the rope basically means you get to the point where you well and truly let your W go. It doesn't mean you give up on the M, but it does mean you've accepted that you can't control things, you can't trick her into coming back, this isn't going to be fixed in a few weeks or months, you can't stop her from leaving you or seeing OM, and that really all you can do is fix YOU. EVERY LAST ONE OF US spends an extended period of time convincing ourselves we've dropped the rope. We'll proudly tell everyone we've finally dropped it, all while holding a hand behind our back firmly gripping the end of the rope. You know that scene in Lord of the Rings where Bilbo has the ring and Gandalf asks him for it, and he says it's on the mantle? And then he discovers, ohhhh.... it's still in my pocket after all. Yeah it's like that When you finally do drop it you won't want to throw a party, you may not even realize you did it until much later.

After having read DR and the LRT I feel I'm spinning my wheels and that my sitch is becoming stagnant and my WW is getting used to her life as it is.

Progress is not incremental or linear. There will be long periods of time that it seems nothing is changing. There will be times things seem much better. And there will be times things seem worse. Just be patient.

I don't operate an open door policy but can't really allow my WW not to see her children when she and they want!

You can absolutely establish boundaries though. Just like you are not welcome in your old home because of OM, she should not be allowed to come and go as she pleases in your new place either. Of course both of you should see the kids as much as is reasonable, but you really need to establish when and how that happens.

No pursuing on my part, no texts, phone calls or emails.
Contact is always face-to-face and initiated by her.

Very good, stick to it!

GAL as best I can with shared visitation of 2 boys but this is strenuously pursued by me.

My ex and I had 50-50 visitation. On the weeks I had my kids my GAL activities involved the kids- zoo, park, a movie, etc. On the weeks I didn't have them then I did stuff for me- hiking, working out, running, flying R/C planes, tinkering with my motorcycles. When you have your boys then GAL with them. When you don't have them then do more personal stuff. But do something. Keep yourself busy, it'll help keep your mind off things.

How can I better "drop the rope"

You're probably not ready yet. I think I started saying I dropped it about 18 months post-BD. Then about 2 years post-BD I really did drop it. After you finally do let go of her, you'll look back and realize how much of that time you were really fooling yourself about letting go, LOL! And again I don't mean give up on the M when I say "let her go". You can live your life and let her live hers while still standing for your M.

[Parkema]

Hi Woke_Up

Thanks for you're response.

It's great to share and I appreciate it, to be honest the more I go through this the more it evolves and believe it or not the third-person perspective is beginning to happen with me. Also I realise that with detachment I am gaining more and more control I still see her almost every day but I don't get in the way I go do something whilst she spends time with the boys.
I am getting better with the LC (limited contact) as apposed to NC and I never initiate ever. I think Sandi2 has me down to a "T" I'm a "nice guy" but also clinical slightly and with regards to us not being there when expected would be out of character but will give it a try and gauge the response.

"While I agree with your views on limerence, I find it doesn't help me with the emotional roller coaster. I even explained limerance and provided resources on it to my WW but she has resisted. She has looked up her own resources on affairs, relationship mending, etc, and sent me links - You see, she KNOWS what is is, she KNOWS it is wrong, she KNOWS that the EAP is flawed and a worse choice long term... she is just unwilling to let go of the feelings."

I'm truly sorry about your sitch but limerence as I understand it has to end. She might know that what she's doing is wrong BUT please understand she has no control over that, she's been taken over by those brain chemicals OR being "pulled back in"...When these subside in either party and they will you need to be her best option.

I truly believe that working on myself has much to offer and is a win-win.

What's working:

Being a great dad - helps in so many ways with relationships! Hits the emotional pathways of a woman much the same way a man holding a cute puppy would...

Exercising - regime first thing every morning, walking a lot. This has the added benefit of helping with depression.

GAL - she is noticing I'm getting out there and not being sad and mopping around "my" house.

LC - no texts, emails, calls at all, and when she's around I leave it to her to come to me.

No pursuing - "drop the rope" I'm trying but difficult with 2 small boys to share.

Journaling - helps me stay consistent whilst showing me what I did right and what I did wrong.

"Now, as my DB coach said, feelings change. It's a long haul. Looks like you are willing to wait it out. Only you can decide how long".

This comes back to my win-win!

I'm in no hurry to start another relationship I just don't think I can feel that way about someone else yet, so this allows me to stay focused on what I truly want and that is to make my M better than ever. I read somewhere "when you think there is no hope for your M and that you can't go on any more carry on for at least another year" I don't want to regret not doing my utmost to make it work for her, me and most importantly our children.

Stay strong, stay consistent and stay well.

Mark.

[Parkema]

Hi AnotherStander

Strategy
noun
plural noun: strategies

1. a plan of action designed to achieve a long-term or overall aim.
synonyms: master plan, grand design, game plan, plan of action, plan, policy, proposed action, scheme, blueprint, programme, procedure, approach, schedule; More
tactics, set of tactics

2. the art of planning and directing overall military operations and movements in a war or battle.
"he was a genius when it came to military strategy"

I'm sorry you see it that way it's just a word but quite apt. You see I look at the challenge I have with my WW and her AP/LO as a kind of war I am battling to save my M from D as is what the whole site is about, just my view don't shoot me!

With regards to those strategies please see my previous threads and you will see I am GAL and trying my best to DR, working on myself is ALL I can do as I'm the only one I can control.

My entire post is about limerence and you will see I understand it can last anywhere between 3-36 months I'm aware it could be a long haul but what else can I do?

I have separated from my WW after she said she would not give up her AP, I am in LC no texts, emails, calls at all and stay as dark as I can. I never pursue she always initiate then I stay friendly and her safe place.

Your comments really help me and to TBH I am doing most of what you're suggesting.

DR'ing - am seeing this rollercoaster of an experience but beginning to detach from the whole A and her I'm just not wasting my time on it and focusing instead on the boys and I.

Open door - NO WAY. We communicate when she comes to see the boys when she is to come around again all very business like.

GAL - exactly the same.

Dropping the rope - thanks I needed this. Slowly not being a part of her life is becoming increasingly easier and that's after only 7-months! Where will I be in another 7-months?

I will continue to do what I'm doing as this not only benefits my M BUT also me as I become a better person.

Thanks again for responding I do appreciate it.

Take care.

Mark.

[Parkema]

Hi All,

Just an update on my situation.

There you go.

No really, not doing too well with the contact thing! I am still not getting in touch with WW no texts, emails or calls but we still have regular face-to-face due to shared custody of the boys.

Again I never initiate any talks and allow her to be with the boys when they are with me, she will then come and talk. This is where my way of dealing with this kicks in and is well known by now.

Her A is as strong has ever and is the HARDEST part of all of this I need to keep in mind this sitch wasn't created over night and will not be solved over night. All I see is her very happy I know this could be just an act but more likely not and every time we are together she's not as happy! Go figure.

Keeping motivated is a challenge especially when I see her so happy but I have to believe in the limerence process and put her happiness down to the infatuation stage. Can this go on for ever? Well if it did would any of us be in our positions.. No.

I continue to be consistent and work on myself for myself, work on my P.I.E.S attraction whilst getting a life and she is noticing. Yesterday when she was at mine she said "you're looking good" (don't believe 100% of what they say) I said "thanks'" and left it at that, there is never any mention of the sitch or the A just civil conversation for about 10 minutes then she's gone.

I always remain cool, calm and controlled whilst being happy and contented, in a strange way I feel better about myself. The loneliness is subsiding but have one or two setbacks, the pictures of them together is lessening also. But I am finding it harder and harder to control when they do appear and depression kicks in slightly, when this happens I walk and think about my boys as this always happens when they're not with me!

I'm beginning to GAL more and it is being noticed, I had an interesting comment off the WW recently "you've a mark on your neck oh yes..." She was insinuating this was through contact with someone else obviously not not ready for that yet not for a long time and I mentioned it was not the case. I don't know what to make of this comment, easing of her guilt if I was?

Anyway father's day this coming Sunday and I have the boys with me we're going to enjoy some fun at a theme park without the WW I'm sure she'll be spending it with her AP/LO and his family no remorse at all from her but was totally expected.

Continue to persevere.

Mark.

[LH19]

Parkema,

You seem like a very strong centered dude and you will be fine no matter the outcome.

I wouldn't read into any of the compliments or comments that is probably one of two things (a) she wants to keep your around for plan b or (b) she doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you either.

If your not ready for an ultimatum which I don't think you are, keep doing what your doing except I would leave when she comes to visit the boys.

I think you maybe totally shocked in the end and she may want to come back and you may not want her back.

Again you are handling this better then 99% of the people here.

[dale165]

Agreed with LH, although I'm new here, you are handling this with the most class I've seen.

[Parkema]

Hi Dale, LH

I appreciate the pep talk I really need you guys to keep me positive thanks.

LH19 you're probably right if and when the $h1t hits the fan with my WW I might be in a position where I don't really care...
I must admit I L her with all my heart and although I write a good account behind the closed doors on my own I'm finding the whole experience extremely hard but that should come as no surprise to us on these boards.

I think what drives me deep down is my will to win and that I can't bare not to fight for what's right which is to give my 2 sons the chance to be brought up in a secure family environment. I don't want anybody to come to me and say I didn't do everything I could to reconcile my M.

My methods might be a bit off to some maybe and I know I might be in for a long road to recovery but what I am doing is allowing me some freedom from all the stuff that comes with a W who is in a PA. I work on myself and get better and better each day and hope she notices it.

If she's too clouded in the A to not notice I'm sure I'll still be alright in the long run.

Thanks guys again I truly appreciate it.

Keep fighting, be patient and who knows...

Mark.