180man Thread 4

[180Man]

Jim, it kind of shocks me to hear you say that -- you've been the one giving me solid advice, not the other way around! I feel as if a lot of people around here have this figured out a lot better than I do, you included.

25, lots of good thought provoking points, as always! Thank you for taking the time to reply yet again

Without getting specific about my profession, though I'm sure you could probably figure it out at this point, I can say with relative certainty that deployments are not in my future based on my current career track. That situation is very specific to my profession in my service. Furthermore, I am applying to programs that would allow me to focus more on my profession and have a side effect of no deployments. I know that sounds vague, but the three programs I'm trying for are (1) Test and Evaluation, (2) A career track that ONLY supports reserve units and doesn't involve deploying, or (3) Lateral Transfer to another service for a very specific program which also doesn't deploy. I know this all sounds very vague, but I'd rather not drop my profession on here if I don't have to.

It's not that I'm against deployments. Hell, I tried to volunteer for additional deployments so that I could gain more experience in my profession. But my service is pretty rigid about what units get to deploy and whatnot, it just wasn't meant to be. And since I am currently doing this desk job which is mostly unrelated to my actual profession, I am willing to apply to any program which will get me back to doing what I love, deploying or not. It just so happens that the programs I can apply for don't involve deploying. It's complicated, I know.

In any case, my mil-mil marriage did not fall apart because we were mil-mil. It did not fall apart because of deployments. We had a plan in place to make things work with a kid and I am more than happy to go reserves where I'd be given the chance to do my actual job. Furthermore, mil-mil co-location is really good now, even between services. It's significantly better than when I commissioned in 09 or when we got married. Just in the last couple of years they have implemented a lot of really good measures to protect mil-mil couples.

That being said, I am not sitting here thinking I want to marry this girl. That is not an objective on my list. I'm not ruling it out if things work out. I'm not going to arbitrarily say "hey, you happen to be the first person I went on a date with post-divorce, so you're not eligible to marry me."

What if my wife came back tomorrow and wanted to start dating? She would also be the "first" person I met post-divorce...does this rule not apply to her as well?

This is completely arbitrary and, to be honest, bullshít. If things work out, they work out. If not, then it is what it is. I'm not sitting here trying to plan out the next two years of my personal life. I'm not even trying to plan the next month. I'm not trying to plan anything beyond "hey...JAG...let's go on a date." That. Is. It.

Now, am I going to waste my time and the time of someone else going on dates with a person who I know I wouldn't even consider something long-term with? No, but that's just me. I've always been like that. My friends say I'm very picky. Well, yeah. That's my choice. I don't want to be with someone who has simply graduated high school. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't value education, who doesn't have a career, who doesn't challenge me when I've screwed up...I could go on. But that's just me. So...does JAG pass all these internal filters I have for myself? I think so? At least enough for me to go on a date with her. And that's it...I'm not trying to ask her to marry me any time soon. I'm not nuts.

When it comes to the EGO...and introspection...I would say that while I'm not done with figuring things out and working on ME, nor will I ever be, I would also say that I'm coming at this from a slightly different angle than you. My wife has fibromyalgia. She was sick for a while and, unlike your husband, I was there every step of the way. I even went so far as to line up a reserve job for myself so I could get out of deployments and be home to take care of her. After a long time of being in and out of the hospital, we finally figured out a cocktail of drugs that made her feel like a normal person and one that the military would let her continue using and stay on active duty.

Well...these drugs, lyrica and tramadol...they are not intended for mixing with alcohol. So when my wife's new job became insanely stressful and busy, she started drinking. I didn't think too much of it, I thought it was more of a social thing because she was in a new unit with more officers than her previous unit and they did more social functions. She told me not to worry, that a glass of wine or a beer weren't a big deal. Well, when she cheated, she was wasted. So, I did work through a lot of ego and self-worth issues, I did take on 50% of the blame (and probably more) for what happened, I did self-examine to an insane level of detail what role I had in causing this to happen................................

......but at the end of the day....because my wife cheated, does that mean that I am broken? That I am somehow flawed? Do I have things to work on? Yes. Would I have recognized these things had she not cheated? Some, yes, but probably not all. If anything, because this happened I am less broken than I would have been had she not cheated. I am better than I would have been.

I still have room to grow. I still have things to work on. But I reject the idea that I am BROKEN. I'm not going to live life as the victim. Fùck that.

I'm 32 years old. I'm in the best shape of my life (even better than during OCS). I'm well educated, I'm intelligent, caring, and well-rounded. I love my profession. I DO feel a timer ticking, maybe it sounds stupid because I seem so young, but...I don't want to wake up and be 40 and have no family. Will I survive if that happens? Of course.

So.....can I say things with JAG will go nowhere? I don't know. I am not placing expectations on it one way or another. I do know that I've been alone for a year now (wife's deployment last summer + separation time) and that I'm over it. I'm good, I got the solitary experience down already. I've had a lot of alone time.

I'm ready to take a girl out again, see a movie, hold her hand, go on a hike together, cuddle, rub her back after a long day, watch the sunset at the beach, take a road trip...I'm seriously ready. It's not a substitute. It's not a rebound. It's a...I'm-emotionally-ready-to-let-someone-in-to-my-life-again. But I'm also not finished working on me, and this experience has shown me that I can never stop working on me. Obviously when you get comfortable...that's when shít goes downhill. Never again.

Love you 25, thanks for thinking of me. Hopefully see you next month maybe?

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