Hello...can you hear me?

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Everyone,

Therapy session #5 today. This one was kind of difficult. If I haven't commented on this before, I've for the most part had some unusual sexual experiences. Like I hear about people having mind blowing sexy times or they've been with men who always want to do the sexay times with them. I was explaining to my therapist that when I hear/read these things (and I have my entire adult life) I realize how strange I feel. Never had that. Ever. Maybe I choose men who aren't sexually attracted to me and that makes me feel safe? All of these men have been straight.

I remember with my ex bf I did the whipped cream bikini. He came in, said I looked cute, and walked over to his computer. We slept in the same bed for a year off and on and he never tried anything. We hugged or cuddled but no kissing or anything of the sort. I tried that again with another bf and he said "you look hot" and went to play a video game. I did some other stuff (lingerie, dances,etc) all fails. I think I just wanted to experience (even though I realize it wasn't going to be like that) what other people do. And since that has never worked, eh....

I think all of the people I've been with think I was funny, attractive, and fun-just maybe not in a sexual sense. I cannot tell you how many men I've slept next to me in my life in a tshirt and panties and people could never believe nothing happened or no one tried anything. I would say "No really. Nothing happened."
And sometimes I think that maybe I was batting out of my league. I don't like conventionally attractive men and most had no $ and inconsistent work. But maybe that wasn't my league. Eh. Don't know. I'm friends with most everyone I've ever dated and all of them inevitably try to relay something about how much they loved me and regret x, y, z. I guess they just didn't want to be naked with me.:-)

In other news, while rather fit, I'm getting my stomach fixed in a few months. I have to get myself psychologically ready for that. I'm super excited because I've wanted this since my 3rd c section. No one may want to see me naked but I want to see a cute tummy.

Starting the new job in 2 weeks. Excited and a bit nervous. It's totally different for me but eh if it isn't a fit then I will just look again.

Therapy has been difficult but necessary. Hopefully I can get to a better place of peace or acceptance. Positive vibes to everyone!