Limerence and My Situation

[Parkema]

Sue

Please no offence taken.

Please also understand I am not showing neediness or begging for her to come back to me I'm just showing her when SHE comes to me that I can relate to her in a way that she knows is friendly and safe.

She understands how I feel about what she's doing and again I made the hardest decision to leave the family home after much torture. I know this will seem wrong to most people on these boards BUT you had to experience it. Don't be judgemental.

I actually understand about him moving further away and if I were to be begging and needy I would expect my WW to not suggesting in any way this was you as I don't know your sitch. BUT again I don't get involved in all that I GAL and she see's it, if we talk to each other at all it's for a maximum of 15 minutes and that's just to be civil.

I have NEVER said to her I'd take her back this would show neediness NO NO obviously I would BUT boundaries would need to be in place first and a clear plan as to how she would mend our R. Even then she would need to be allowed to greave over losing her AP/LO which is totally understandable BUT I would not expect any contact etc.

"Desperate is rarely attractive" I'm not desperate I can take it or leave it if she wants to come and see the boys am truly not bother one jot.

I appreciate your support and would like it to continue as with all here as I know this is not going to be easy.

Keep at it.

Mark

[dale165]

Both 7 on June 2, crazy! I hope that's the case with the OP on your end. Hopefully he's just a crappy person. Mine is way different. OP on my end has professed his love for my wife in 2013. Soon as we had problems, first person she called. He was just waiting for his chance.

[Parkema]

Hi Dale

But she chose YOU. Why? Think back and get that person back he's still there we just loose site of him.

AP/LO a co-worker and married with 2 kids (2 & 4), must be crappy people to do what they have done.

We must understand that we are partly responsible for them looking outside the marriage, I'm lucky enough to know where I fell down and am working on making myself better working on my P.I.E.S and maintaining my bridge to fantasy island (see previous post)

We must show our WW's that they would be mental to leave us by being the better choice when their rose coloured glasses come off AND THEY WILL. Also whilst working on yourself this has the added bonus in showing others how well you are coping and who knows what's around the corner...

Win win.

Work on yourself for yourself she will notice.

Take care.

Mark

[Parkema]

Hello All,

I thought I'd give you an update on my situation.

Over the last couple of days my WW has been visiting the boys and I every day whilst still being in her A, I have continued to do my strategies which has shown some positives...

Saturday - she went to get her hair cut I had our boys and we met afterwards at the local park for the "exchange". Whilst we were there we shared some food together (she paid for food) and all was very amicable. It was strange that the AP/LO was nowhere and due to this she stayed longer than normal until the parking meter ran out BUT she said she would have stayed longer. I stayed completely neutral throughout and just talked about everyday matters, I was surprised when she actually showed remorse and apologised twice for what she continues to do. I said to her "we only have one life" and did a kind of 180 on her as I assume she was expecting me to berate her for the pain we were in. We left it at that.

Sunday - She brought the boys to my "home" and again stayed and talked to me (I never initiate contact) all very amicable and she left to do her thing whilst I had the boys for a few hours.

Monday - Wow Monday was the day I have the boys stay over and I had them from when they finished school all the way through until tomorrow morning (Thursday). She is finding this very hard and was emotional clearly in tears! She mentioned to me the usual "I wish I could go back in time" and "we should have had another baby so that I could have had time off work"! This took be back a bit but remained neutral throughout showing a happy, confident caring man and basically said to her "Thursday will soon be here" I comforted her by stroking her back just to let her know I feel her pain.

Tuesday - WW came around later than usual and mentioned that she was taking part in meetings to discuss TL performance for their PDR. I stayed charged neutral (CN) and suggested that next year she maybe doing it for the managers (showing validation).
She mentioned she was late due to the house being a mess and that "I knew her" referring to her standards. She said she didn't like the house to which I responded with "Well your moving arn't you?" referring to a previous conversation.

In the conversation she said "our house" knowing that I don't live there instantly replied with "has he moved in?" she said that he was spending more time there BUT has not moved in and is NOT replacing me. WTF! I stayed CN throughout especially when she then went into a conversation about me and whether I am seeing anyone, I mentioned I wasn't and just wanted to be there for the boys BUT "if something fell in my lap?" She instantly went into attack made and said "don't just pick the first woman & women are nasty none of them will be good enough for my boys." (Pot and kettle) hit a nerve there... I continued to be consistent and everything continued in an amicable way.

I showed her to her car and we discussed visitation and that the whole conversation was about me seeing the boys, she agreed and waved goodbye as well as waving goodbye at the top of the street.

What I got from all this...
1.Being used when the LO/AP is not around (second choice).
2.Her remorseful - cried a lot when not being with the boys.
3.Jelousey "don't just pick the first woman & women are nasty none of them will be good enough for my boys".
4.Regret - "I wish I could go back in time" and "we should have had another baby so that I could have had time off work"! Saying sorry more frequently.

I am tonight waiting for the pushback.

Thanks for the opportunity to vent.

Mark.

[Parkema]

Hello All,

After reading these boards I would like again to thank all for your support and experience.

I have been reading Sandi2's posts and see mentioned "dropping the rope", do I understand it is a form of NC more importantly a more aggressive form of NC? After having read DR and the LRT I feel I'm spinning my wheels and that my sitch is becoming stagnant and my WW is getting used to her life as it is. I find it very difficult to DTR due to our continued contact both wanting to see our children when we need to.

I don't operate an open door policy but can't really allow my WW not to see her children when she and they want!
Basically my WW does see them each day either at my "home" (we have been separated since the beginning of March 2017) or alternatively when she obviously has them. I NEVER return back to the family home due to the presence of the OP/LO and me not wanting to go to prison and so when the WW has them I FaceTime each morning and last thing at night.

To sum up.
Separated with me having to move out after I was told of her affair with co-worker.
D-Day was 4-months ago (been going on for nearly 7-months)
Have 2 children who we both want to see each and every day.
Practicing DR as best I can LC instead of NC but initiated by the WW ALWAYS.
No pursuing on my part, no texts, phone calls or emails.
Contact is always face-to-face and initiated by her.
GAL as best I can with shared visitation of 2 boys but this is strenuously pursued by me.

How can I better "drop the rope"

Thanks all

Mark.

[TxHubby]

So her AP is married with small children and you're all, including YOU, letting this poor woman (his BW) live a lie like this? Has she been notified about what's going on because if there is anyone in this whole situation with even a shred of moral decency then she needs to be in the loop as to what her scumbag husband is doing with your home-wrecking wife.

You seem like a decent guy so please don't compromise your own morality in this matter or you're just like the cheaters. Perpetuating and living lies.

[Parkema]

TxHubby

Thanks for your response.

She is totally aware of what's happening.

I feel the AP/LO's wife is doing a better job than me regarding this whole situation.
He moved back in with his Mother & father but spends most of his time at my family home. I would really like to take his head off for both his wife and two small children AND for the damage they have done to my boys BUT this will just push them together and I need to rise above them.

I've been fighting contacting his wife but am sure she knows as she has already had some retribution on my WW and her car. Result? They now believe it is "them verses the world" and this as made the bond even stronger...

Thanks for your input.

Mark.

[TxHubby]

I'm glad you kept your integrity intact. That's important during times like these. Don't compromise yourself just because you're dealing with two immoral people. Also keep kids away from these immoral people as much as possible. They're really bad role models.

[LH19]

Parkema,

My interpretation of "drop the rope" is when you are done. You make the determination that you will not live in an open marriage and you walk away.

The analogy in my mind is that your wife and you are in a tug of rope competition, she is pulling away into the A, you are trying to pull her back into the family and this goes back and forth until you have had enough.

You drop the rope and she goes flying. Then and only then will she realize what she has lost.

[Parkema]

Hi LH19

I like the analogy, it's clear and to the point.

Gonna find this difficult as she always finds some way of getting into contact "due to the kids" I feel she's temperaturing. I'm going to be the better person for her when she eventually comes to her senses.
But until then am going to stick with DR'ing and limit the contact as much as possible without it impacting the boys.

Thanks

Mark.