UR, I have been reading your post multiple times on my phone all weekend. You really know how to make me stop and think about how I am not so crazy and abnormal and that my feelings are valid.
You are so right, I want to rush right through this. I am trying to figure out the proper grieving time, when am I supposed to feel better? Why aren't I completely over this? When am I supposed to stop being sad? I analyze and analyze, it's exactly what I do.
What have I been analyzing? About how guilty I am in all of this. What the heck was I thinking a 27 year old guy who desires a family and kids of his own and the dream I never had? Who the heck was I to not think this through and think he could be fulfilled with me, a 10 year old that isn't his and maybe, maybe not one more kid of his own? I feel selfish. I lead with my heart and enjoyed the good stuff way to much to think about what I could truly offer for someone of his age who is single and has the world at his feet. I realize as I do things like D9's school events, chaperoning, doing the mom thing, that it is not a place for a 27 year old single man who still lives at home. He belongs there in his due time, not before it, with his own kids. I don't like to label things either, but I think this is how I know it was love. I want those things for him. If he were to come back and say he made a huge mistake , I would tell him that he didn't and he needs to go after what he truly desires. As much as I would love to have him back.
My turn will come with a guy in a similar spot, with a similar lifestyle who wants the same things. To raise his children, have a good time with someone else, and to have a partner.
But I am sad because I miss him and his company. It's getting better though. I haven't heard from him and my dad was even kind of surprised. I mean, I am sure I freaked him out with the ILY and then I did block him on FB which is like the world's biggest insult apparently, but..... usually when you cut someone out of your life like that, there is someone else in it and that is fine.
But I do just have to look at myself and forgive myself and be content with who I am. I am beginning to realize that when a relationship ends, it's not because I didn't something wrong, or I missed something, or I need to fix the way I approach things. Sometimes, things simply don't work out in life.
The good news is I am doing much better. I am busier than I care to be, honestly, but it's probably good for me. I am up late nights doing papers, I had so many events this weekend. I noticed that I am having fun again and enjoying myself when I go out rather than just dragging myself through it. The depression is minimal, the sadness just lingers. I feel more like myself again. Absolutely exhausted today since I was up after midnight finishing my paper, but my personality has returned.
Oh, and and I put an offer on a house I saw yesterday. it's on the street over from where I love now, I have been eyeing it for a while, it's a foreclosure. I really like it. It's older, but the major stuff has been replaced. It is in decent shape and has lots of potential with a great yard in a great location. My upstairs ceilings are only 6.5 feet, so my next boyfriend can't be too tall, hahaha. I hav eno clue if they will take the offer or accept the mortage, but if it's meant to be, it will be. For some reason, this is the one house out of all the places I looked at that I felt could be mine.
