Chapter 4 - Acting As If

[bigybiz]

MLC and everyone else.

Thanks for your post. To answer some of your questions 1st

What do I want - Reconciliation - that's it.

I've never heard the term shame to blame. It makes lots of sense and very applicable here.

- According to the L I spoke to her rights are in place and I did nothing that impacts her rights. I saw one piece of mail from a L to W. So I'm guessing she has consulted a L.

From previous convo's she has stated that I made in house sep impossible for her and she had no other option but to move out.

I love the term - make sure the path home is smooth. I wish my DB coach had said that to me. My DB coach emphasized rebuilding the friendship. I had a hard time with that sentiment.

In MWD's books and LRT videos she stressed that we need to encourage our WAS to participate in family time etc. My WW/WAS has been eating lots of cake. She accepts about 85% of my invitations. As far as I'm concerned it's good for my kids to be with their mom, etc.

It's cake eating. I invite, I pay, I manage all the details, etc. I don't chase or tailor the invite to her. I simply state this what we are doing - do you want to join us?

We are 85% NC. There is no chit chat via text, I don't ask her "where the crock pot is' etc. Yes, when we've had business discussions we slip into the personal/emotional -almost every time. We both do it. Conflict avoidance is an issue. So is chasing/running. Most importantly she has stated that she is fear of me.

Yes, I've talked to everyone to deal with the many issues going on.

Psychiatrist - IC, Pastor - IC, Family Therapist. Lots of progress, lots of work to do. Never stop improving.

So how do I break this. I need a new habit. Not sure where to start. 12 months ago she suggested regular meetings, never happened, I suggest an issue based meeting, never happen.

I leave her notes with her mail, I update the family calendar, All the documents are in a common binder. All seem to be ignored.

My income taxes are due in 4 days. Two weeks ago, I asked her for her info -still no reply. I've been very easy going about it. Still frustrating.

Any ideas on how to start a new good/healthy habit? What are the tools you speak of. Most of the research I have done suggests things I've tried and will keep trying

i.e. set up regular meetings, handle one issue at a time, don't do it too late, do it when in a good mood/timing (strike when iron is cold).

So where does this leave me?

I told W a few days ago: If divorce is ahead of us so be it. I told her that she and I are not enemy's. Until D happens I will treat her with the Love and Grace I should be treating my W.

What does that mean?

So far I've been "returning the ball slowly". When she sends a passive aggressive note, my response is not neutral, not hostile - I try and be helpful. If she asks for something, I'll give it if I can.

I will not bend over backwards to accommodate her.

Big words, hard to execute, easy to say.

I know I can only change myself. So the onus is me to do things differently - that may or may not have an impact on W.

I do no that the same old same old is not going to work.