180man Thread 4

[180Man]

Hey everyone,

Yeah, I don't want to see me get hurt again, either. Nor do I want to hurt anyone -- that's the last thing I want!

Went to a baseball game with JAG and some of the other officers we work with. After the game she and I went and sat in a bar/restaurant and talked for like an hour. I wish I had taken it a little bit easier on the alcohol that night, but I think...well, I'm pretty sure I was able to hold intelligent conversation, hopefully I didn't make a complete ass of myself (although I found like $13 in my wallet the next morning and now I'm questioning if I forgot to leave a tip...JAG handed me money, which I remember asking her if it was for the tip...uhhh...yeah I don't know, let's just skip over this part...). Anyhow, I had a really nice time and she gave me a hug before she left. Good news is that she seems to be way better at GAL than I am and it seems like her schedule is really busy. Or she's way better at dating than I am and is slow rolling me on purpose. Maybe a little bit of both. I am all for slow. Really. But on the other hand, I thought I left the life of ambiguity behind me when I finally accepted that my W was never coming home. So, I don't know what it is that's going on between us, but whatever it is, nobody is rushing that's for sure.

After she left, one of the other officers texted me to meet him at another bar a block away. Yeah, I should have gone home. Nope, I'm an idiot. I get there and he's got me doing tequila shots with these random girls. What a miserable mistake. I was going to do some drywall and painting yesterday, but nope...I had to spend the day recovering from my poor choices. And then he texted me yesterday afternoon and was like "hey, where are we drinking tonight?!" Dude. No. I'm cured from alcohol for at least a couple weeks. Speaking of which, I have been doing really well with one of my goals to only drink once a week. I don't need the empty calories and I'm done numbing the pain. I'd rather experience life running on all cylinders, you know?

Going surfing today, then to a dinner party afterwards. Things I might normally not do. Been trying to find a hospital where I could volunteer with my dog but I'm not having much luck. She's such a sweetheart and really good with kids, I feel selfish keeping her all to myself. The local children's hospital already has 40 dogs in their program and isn't accepting any more. Lame. Not sure if the military hospital has a program like this, but I'm guessing probably not. Guess I should probably call and ask anyways, but knowing the military it's going to be an uphill battle just trying to find out.

Finished writing my song the other night. I got back from a therapy session and felt really good. I sat down and started from scratch, put aside all the stuff I had attempted to write in the weeks and months prior...and it all came out at once. That rarely happens, usually I have to work on a song for days or weeks, if not more. I had trouble writing it previously because my emotions were in a weird spot. When I wrote on here months ago about the GAL activities I wanted to plan for myself, my intent was to write a love song of some sort about my W. But then somewhere in there I turned a corner and realized she wasn't coming home, that it really was over. And I didn't know what to write about or how to feel about it then. So I kind of just messed around with some lyrics and chords but never got anywhere with it. Then this JAG thing kind of started to happen and I still didn't know what to write! Haha. My thoughts over the years have been pretty consistent....since writing takes a significant amount of work, I try not to allow myself to write about trivial people in my life -- people who aren't going to be around for the long term, you know? And I didn't (actually, still don't) know how this will go with her. Maybe that sounds silly. Anyways, I got home and I just sat down and decided to write about how I'm feeling right now. Today. It came out really good, I think. It talks about where I was, how I was feeling about my W, how we tried to fix it but she gave up...and then talks about meeting someone new. It's simple. Going to try and record it with some of my buddies soon, maybe I'll post a link (if they let me!) one of these days. In any case, it's very therapeutic for me. Not all of my songs are great, but I can look back at old ones from a decade ago and see exactly how I was feeling at that moment, who I was with, what was going on, etc.

Hmm, in other news, I exchanged numbers with my hair stylist Friday because she is going to move to a different shop. She gives a good haircut and we talk about our divorces, so we've become buddies to a point. She has kids in her situation and her ex is abusive. Actually, he gave her a black eye earlier in the week, I was shocked. Anyhow, she's cool but I'm kind of worried she is wanting there to be something more between us. I'm really not comfortable with that. Not sure what to do about it, hopefully we can just keep our friendly relationship where it is.

Okay, time for surfing. Hope I don't eat it too badly! Hope everyone is doing well! Hang in there.