I am REALLY struggling on how to be warm when he treats me like crap.
Think of it this way, T0. You are a whole person no matter your relationship/marital status. You were once on your own before you met H. Who is that person? I'm guessing she's a nice, sweet, sincere, and giving person. You're still her, no matter how H is treating you. Who you are shouldn't vary based on external factors, and H is external to you.
When I had to maintain my composure, I also found it helpful to remember that how people act toward you is usually more about them than it is you. We all have our lenses through which we view the world. Right now, H's lenses view you negatively, but that's all in his sandbox (not taking away from the fact that he may have valid reasons for being upset and distancing.)
So you be you! Picture an invisible shield around you. Expand the happy/outgoing to include H, even if he rejects it. Let it bounce right off that bubble. Ignore the negative, reward the positive with a bigger smile, or a small touch on the shoulder.
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He was mean last night when I needed to breastfeed the baby he was really short and rude and told me to just go get the car from the valet myself. So I just got up and did just that.
Good for you. Without H you'd have to go get the car yourself. So you showed him that you are perfectly capable and willing to do these things, therefore you can move on with your life with or without him.
It seems like you are scorekeeping the little negative things, but how about concentrating on how they're positives? Instead of viewing it as "disrespect", view it as an opportunity to show a distant H that you are capable and independent and you can handle anything.
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So anyway, not trying to sound negative but his actions show more that he is gone than not.
Well, at least you used different terminology than "he's done" this time
T0, the statement I quoted above means your negative cyclical pattern is setting up again. It always starts with a statement like this one. Can you stop scrutinizing what he is or isn't doing and trying to use a crystal ball to figure out what it all means? Your H is unpredictable. You can't predict. It's a waste of time and energy, and given that it also sets off the negative cycle, I think you need to stop this once and for all.
Can you figure out what triggers this behavior of yours? Is it your anxiety? Your fear of rejection or abandonment so you're hyper-focused on the "signs"? Whatever it is that causes you to start score-keeping and predicting and using the words "done" and "gone" needs your attention, or else you're going to keep going round and round on the carnival ride.
This behavior isn't keeping you safe, T0. Spending time ruminating and scrutinizing and trying to predict what he's doing ISN'T KEEPING YOU SAFE. It sets off the cycle and that means is 100% working against your own self-interest and it is therefore time to let this behavior go once and for all. Start noticing when you are thinking that way and redirect your thoughts.
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He recently started taking steroid shots which he's never done in our 13 years together. So I'm sure his temper will be come shorter and shorter because I know the side effects of them.
Good thing you've got that bubble, eh? His actions don't matter.
(And, steroids? Aren't those illegal?)
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I made plans to go take the boys away for July 4th I haven't talked to H about it but my dad said the other night H brought up that we were going away for July 4th asking if my dad could let the dogs out. I'm just like WTF ..
Hey, "he's done T0": if you're going to scorekeep, why isn't this one registering?
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I'm just struggling to not let him hurt me with every time he treats me badly.
Run for the bubble, T0. Get in it and don't come out.
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He treats strangers with more kindness and concern.
To be blunt, of course he does. He's very upset with you and is blaming you for his unhappiness. And some of those things are probably real things that you've done, and some are about him. But it doesn't matter because he feels it all the same.
Your M is in trouble, T0. Right now he's treating strangers better than you because your M is in trouble. Take the emotion out of it and accept it. You can't long for "what was" and let that build your expectations of him, because things are different right now. Hopefully they'll get better. Let's keep growing and learning and give your M the best chance to turn around!
