I haven't update in awhile. I just haven't felt up to it.
H has finally accepted that I wouldn't meet with him. He called me and I didn't respond. I fully believe that he made decisions to end things envisioning that we'd still have togetherness via conversations about the house, and I'd be a devoted back up plan for him. Because that's Cadence, reliable, steadfast in her love, and thus disposable.
He called my mother, and tried to find out where I am living. He wanted to know if I was back in my condo, which, hello, I've told him repeatedly I was getting an apartment. The man is so strange; I wonder if he believes I've moved out yet? The whole "believe nothing they say and half of what they do" for him seems to be "believe nothing she says and nothing she does". He's clearly still out of it.
He told my mother again that this ended because we grew apart. Oh, yes. No one's fault, really. How socially acceptable of him. And the growing apart really reflects that he doesn't know where I live and the amount of anger he was spewing in my direction. Also, a few months of mostly the silent treatment (his choice) does tend to create a distance, yes.
He told her that I must have been so "shocked" when he broke the news of us growing apart. LOL.
He was wondering why I wasn't responding to him and she reminded him that I have had a lawyer and that I probably don't have much trust in him any longer, so I probably would like negotiation to happen between lawyers. He said he was hoping we could avoid that because he was concerned about my finances. (... Um, yeah, he hasn't had any empathy toward me since January 22nd, when he got so angry and kicked down a door.)
He asked her how she felt about all of what had happened and she said "one word: sad."
I called a DB coach, and it was wonderful. The suggested action was to ask H to meet and listen and validate.
And I'm struggling. I would love to do that, but the reality is that H has some deep issues that are going to sabotage any relationship until he deals with them. So I'm not sure if it's healthy for me to do what the coach suggests.
I would love him back more than anything, but this being the second time, I see the futility. He'd just end up doing the same thing in 2019, since he seems to implode every 2 - 2.5 years. So I'd love him back healthy and having dealt with his struggles with women (which came from his dysfunction mother, who seems to be a narcissist and made him into her emotional partner), but I'm not sure he'd find the courage to approach those issues until he hit a crisis point. And I don't see how he'd get to one with me being back in touch...
I also feel like meeting with him would take away his fears that I'm gone and allow him reassurance that I'm willing to serve as plan B. Just because I'd be showing up and seeing him.
Just something I'm thinking about. I don't know. I'm very clearly avoiding it. I'd love any input from others.
I have a new IC and I had my second session with her. I'm still not sure if she's a match for me, but I'll give it some more sessions to see.
Last night, I was out with some friends and I made myself stay in the moment and enjoy it. And I did.
I faced a fear. A guy I haven't seen much since the stuff went down with H was there and he asked me about H and his kids. I had to tell him that I didn't know how they were because I'd moved out and we no longer spoke.
He was sad for me. He's a strange guy, and longs for commitment but throws it out when he has it. He's wanted a kid and a wife for years, and he made bad choices and recently rushed into it with another woman. Their baby is 6 months old. Their relationship is 6 months + 9 months + 1 month. They did not waste any time on babymaking!
He and I have always had some palpable chemistry, but when I was single I made a point to stay away because I knew if I fell for him he'd run like the wind. He hugged me goodbye and whispered in my ear that he was so sorry that "he missed the boat" with me.
...WTF? He's there with his wife and says that to me? I made the right choice in keeping my distance.
All the (straight and very committed/married to my female friends) men there last night all shook their heads and kept saying things like "&%$# that guy" and "he doesn't deserve you" and "he's going to wake up one day and realize how badly he messed up." They kept repeating it to me.
It's all sweet to hear. It's also bittersweet, because they're either wonderful guys already snapped up by my equally wonderful friends, or somewhat of a mess like the "missed the boat" guy.
If these guys can feel so much for me and see my worth, why can't I find that in a single healthy one? (I'm not actively looking now, it's just something I'm wondering about myself.)
Overall, I'm feeling good. I faced a milestone birthday. I was lonely on the actual day, though my dad came up over the weekend and took me to dinner. And I got some nice texts and emails but no friends offered to spend that evening with me. Oh well. I took it easy instead. I recognized that it hurt, especially considering the vacations H and I had taken for my birthday the past few years.
Now that the day itself is over, I feel a great sense of relief. I've started to thrive a bit. I'm not missing him much, lately. I think I've officially found myself again, and it feels wonderful. Now onto a better diet to lose those few "eating my feelings" pounds I gained! Maybe after that, I'll start thinking about dipping my toe into the dating pool.
