Hello my friend. You crack me up...and your ex is still as as$.
You know, I dont believe in putting labels on things. Like...was it love...or not..or whatever..
You are sad. You miss him. It succks. You feel as you do. But here's the thing. You keep trying to rush yourself through your feelings. And you keep analyzing them.
Now as you know, I think.... a lot...about all sorts of things. My feelings included. Why I feel as I do and all of that.
But I have learned when I am sad about something..to give myself permission to just feel it. Not identify it or try to snap out of it. Just to live with it for a bit and to know it's ok to feel sad.
When it gets to be a problem is when I allow myself to live there. It's when I allow myself to see that there is something wrong with me because I feel what I do.
You felt something for him. He led you to believe he did, too. And for once, you dove in. You may have had some reservations, but, you jumped. G...I know how huge that is for you. Cuz it would be for me, too.
And because you did, you were vulnerable. Now for people like you and I, that is in a whole different class than it is for most. Because of how we have felt abandoned our whole lives. You let down your walls and your self protection and you just went for it.
And then when it ended...all those feelings came back. Are you good enough? Why do people keep leaving? What did you do wrong? Those feelings are our comfort zone. We know real well how to feel that.
It will take some time for you to find your center again. Because he knocked you off of it.
I wish I could tell you this wont happen again, but, I cant. It may. The thing of it is..is that you have weathered the toughest of storms and came out stronger when your marriage ended. And you will get there again because of who you are and what you are made of.
You werent wrong for going for it, G. Because if we dont take those chances...we dont grow. We may miss out on something amazing.
He has to erase you because he knows he didnt do the right thing. Easier to just forget you then to face that fact.
But I dont care about him...I care about you.
I understand what you mean about lonliness and about always feeling as if you are trying to overcome something about yourself. I feel the same things. Hard to put into words. I hope the book helps.
But the most important thing you wrote was this...love you as you are, instead of trying to fix yourself. Look, we are all a work in progress and we should all try to improve the things we want to improve. But at the end of the day, you have to believe that you are worthy.
You are loved so much by your family and friends. You are strong and beautiful and a great mother. You are warm and loyal and kind and funny.
And those things are what matter...the other things..the things you may think need improving...just arent that important. Because it's those things up there...that make you...you.