Here again part 6

[Zues126]

I understand why you'd be confused!

I'll tell you what. You've been through a lot. Right now I could understand if everyone else told you that continuing to act warmly is enabling, allowing him to cake eat, and pursuing.

Personally I believe none of what he says and half of what he does. He's said some horrible things. He's done some horrible things. But if you look at the rest of his actions (the kissing and ILY) it shows the rest of the picture.

The picture is simple but difficult. You two love each other but are in a negative cycle. When you act lovingly you resent the lack of reciprocation and reassurance from him. When you act out this resentment he feels exasperated that he can't earn your trust and feels more resentful towards you and less inclined to reciprocate or reinvest.

It reminds me of the card game I've posted a few times, originally for my old buddy Pyrite:

I read your post this morning but had to work all day and then had kid time tonight, this was my first chance to get back to you. I really want to share a model that I think will help you out.

There were two people, you and your W. Let's pretend there's a game being played. You have 10 cards you can choose from, A low, 10 high. Each time either of you interact with each other you have to decide to play a card symbolizing how you treat each other. A 10 means you choose to be extremely loving, selfless, generous, noble, and operate from your highest spiritual self. A 5 means you're having an average day, you're on auto pilot, you may do some things for your mate but aren't really engaged. A 3 is negative, critical, impatient. Below that is the red zone where it becomes destructive, controlling, and potentially abusive.

In the beginning each of you plays a 10 card. You both feel good about the love you're feeling, and feel good about the love you're getting. Somehow that's hard to maintain with life getting in the way. Eventually you notice the cards she's playing are 5s and 6s. This is frustrating. You came to really like 10s. In fact, when she was playing 10 cards you felt really good. When she plays 5s and 6s you feel dissatisfied. You get frustrated that she won't play the 10s like she used to.

Disappointment leads to frustration. Frustration leads to hurt. Hurt leads to anger. Anger that isn't addressed builds into resentment. Next thing you know, you don't feel loving. You don't feel like playing 10s much either. In fact, you start to resent even having to play 5s and 6s yourself. It's not fair! Why should she get everything she wants and needs and for her to neglect you with a series of 5s? You can't be happy with 5s, and you would be with 10s, so really it's her failure to do her job that is the cause for your unhappiness. You start to play lower and lower cards. Partly because you are so resentful you can't stand the thought of giving her what she wants while you're not getting what you want. Partly to try to "get her attention", or show her that something is wrong. And partly because you just don't have the loving feelings that generate bigger loving numbers.

You NEED big numbers to be happy. She's failing. You must force her to play bigger numbers. There's only one strategy left. Time to play some 2s and A's. Put the hammer down. Make it clear this is unacceptable. Either you give me what I want and deserve or I will make things absolutely unbearable. Verbal abuse. Withholding affection. Critical comments. Bullying. Whatever.

***OK, STOP THE GAME A MINUTE***

I described how it felt to play this game. If someone asked "what type of guy are you, are you the kind of guy that plays A's or 10's or what?", you'd respond "I'm a GREAT guy, I'll play 10s or at least pretty big cards most of the time". If someone asked "why did you play so many A's and 2's the last couple of years? That looked borderline abusive", you'd reply "WHOA! That's NOT ME. That's not who I am! I only played those cards because SHE left me no choice! She was playing 3's and 4's and not loving me the way I need to be loved! If she had done HER JOB right I would've been HAPPY to respond with 7s, 9s, and a 10 now and then!"

So the whole issue in your mind was the way she treated you, and how it caused you to respond. You don't identify with you behavior because you see it as a reflection of her failure.

BUT THERE ARE SOME TRUTHS
-YOU ARE THE CARDS YOU CHOOSE TO PLAY. If you play A's and 2's, you are abusive. Doesn't matter why. If you kill someone you're a murderer. If you rob a bank you're a bank robber. And when you choose to treat someone poorly, then you are a BAD H. PERIOD.

-IT'S NOT HER JOB TO PLAY 10S AND MAKE YOU HAPPY. Yes, 10s feel great. It's a nice treat in life to experience. But that's not life. Life isn't a series of sexual adventures, passionate date nights, back rubs, and sharing poetry. Why? I don't know. We build a tolerance to things and quickly expect them and take them for granted. Heck, even if she kept playing 10s they would start to feel like 7s to you quickly as you got used to it. Eventually people get to a level they can maintain (such as 5s through 8s with an occasional 10) and it starts to feel like a disappointment. AND IF YOU USED THE 10S TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOUR LIFE YOU WILL SUDDENLY FEEL DISCONTENT AND FEEL YOUR PARTNER IS TO BLAME. SHE'S NOT. You have to be happy on your own, and take what you get as a bonus.

-ONLY YOU GET TO DECIDE WHAT CARDS YOU PLAY. It doesn't matter if she plays 10s or 1s. *YOU* decide each day what type of person you are, how you want to respond. It's YOUR choice, not hers. She can play a 3 and you can STILL CHOOSE to respond with a 10.

OK, so this is long and was written for someone else. But in all, given that he's still showing a lot of confusion, given that you're still married...I think you take this opportunity to show that you can GIVE without demanding anything BACK. Don't do it for him even. Do it for you, because you're proud of who you are and what you gave. Giving is a gift for YOU T0. Not for him. So continue to give.

I don't want you to get into some game where first he responds warmly, then coldly, so then you stop, and then he warms up, and around and around. If every time you feel done you quit acting kindly then this will never work. Just accept that you will feel fed up sometimes, but you get to decide your behavior, not your feelings. I always say: If you can't behave in accordance to your beliefs because of how you feel, how can you expect WAH to? Act with the character you wish he had.

I'd say just be warm and ask him about his day, and reciprocate when he says ILY, and just roll with it. I think if you can stay warm whether he's warm or cold then you've done your part. The rest is up to him. For the gym, you could certainly ask if he'd like to go along as long as it's not a loaded question and you can go on your own if he says no without an issue.

I don't see this as cake eating. This isn't forever. This is a family crisis. Imagine being happily married 30 years from now and think of how proud you'll be you silently supported your man through his crisis. You don't have to support HIM, just support YOU and be steady. He'll land soon enough.

Funny enough, if he comes back and acts like nothing happened, if you take him to IC and try to explain how deeply he violated your trust and how much he needs to prove he was wrong and it will never happen again, that might not work. But if you act unphased by all of this, act like he just lost his temper, and that you understand why he was at his ropes end because of how much pressure you had put on him...well, it wouldn't surprise me if he not only warmed up, but as things calmed down if he really DID start showing remorse and giving you the validation and reassurance you need. With words and actions.

Take care T0.