This was our decision to meet with the Deacon. With respect to validation. There are definitely some things on her list that I'm guilty of. Should I just flat out say "I agree, I have a problem with my moodiness and anger. I understand that this has caused you hurt and I'm sorry". Is saying sorry or acknowledging things that I know I'm guilty of OK?
Taking ownership and apologizing is always a good thing. I heard a speaker recently talking about apologies. She said that a real apology is taking ownership of what you did wrong and apologizing for it. She said that too often, people say "yes I did that, but that's because you..." or "yeah but you also ..." which completely erases the apology. For it to in fact be an apology it has to be 100% about you full stop.
The only guidance I would give you is that if she reads out a list of 10 things and you acknowledge and apologize for four of them she may feel you don't agree with the other six and you don't want to get into that.
I would probably validate during the conversation, and at the end make a summarizing apology for the things you'd like to own and apologize for.
Obviously the elephant in the room is that if she stays with you, what's going to be different? That's very shaky ground and my advice to you is that words are next to useless, so you're much better off demonstrating changes with your actions versus making promises during the session with the deacon. You can say "I acknowledge that some of my behaviors have been a problem both for me and for us, and I'm committed to changing them for my own benefit. I could make all kinds of promises but I'd rather demonstrate changes with action"
I haven't commented on this before with you but anger is a real problem because it's roots tend to run so deep. I don't think that's something you can just expect to "fix", and that's probably your wife's fear.
I think the challenge instead is to look at the specific behaviors that arise from the anger, and look at how you might be able to change those reactions -- i.e. the anger is going to be there, but the reaction to the anger can be different.
A good "Anger Management" course may be the best investment you ever make in yourself.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
