It's aggravating to me that I'm expected to run our household alone but at the same time that may be my reality here soon anyway so I'm working on letting dealing with those feelings and letting them go. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be hurt by his actions. I wish I wasn't. I'm having a hard time letting go of the expectations I have for him based on how our life was and how he was when our other two boys were born. Between school the baby and our boys I feel so alone. I'm working on dealing with those feelings but I really don't know how to be indifferent about them.
Anyway, my plans are not contacting H... no initiating affection. No questions about his day or anything. I will be friendly and polite when he talks to me and I will respond if he texts me but that's all I'm doing. He wants to part ways and I need to start detaching because I am so far from detached.
He continues to kiss me still. He kissed me last night even before he took a shower which is something he hasn't done in awhile. Then he text me while he was gone waiting for his mom of where he was and who he was with. He is so up and down. I think that's why it's hard for me to detach because I don't see him being done while he's doing these things.
Awesome job T0. This looks simply awesome. This has been a hard road and I wanted to make sure to give you a high five when I see you playing your cards so well.
You said it perfectly. It does hurt. You will hurt because of the loss. You will be angry at him because of it. You will be lonely without a companion. You will be tired because of the amount of work you are stuck with. And that will trigger more anger. It might be nice to feel indifferently, but unfortunately there is a difficult grieving process to go through, and some real consequences of this road he's on.
But while you can't control your emotions, you can control your actions and behavior. And you said that the next paragraph. You may feel like you wish you could control him, but as long as you don't actually try to manipulate him with guilt, shame, punishment, etc, then you are doing it right.
You could almost say there are two types of detachment. Having your feelings unaffected by his behavior, and having your actions and decisions unaffected by his behavior. Feelings always follow action. As long as you are acting detached you are doing the best you can today. And the good news is that not only is this the best way to not burn bridges, but it's the best even if the M does end because your feelings will follow the lead of your actions.
Good job again and good luck with day 2 no attached behavior!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
