Well just journaling here... I'm not sure why I guess it just makes me feel some sort of release to write it out here instead of keeping everything bottled inside since I don't talk to anyone IRL about it anymore.
Yesterday was the first day in months I didn't text or call H. We had a bill due yesterday that I normally remind him of but I didn't. I decided if it's late then it's late... he is still continuing to text with that woman everyday. She normally texts him first thing in the morning and it continues all day. I'm not checking anymore. If he wants to talk to another woman that's his prerogative.
My dad told me (he wants me to leave H but also knows that's what I don't want) that I need to ignore H and move on. Stop waiting around for him. He said that's the only time H respects me and makes an effort is when I'm not there waiting for him.
H had to drive his mom a few towns north of us to meet her friend for dinner. He stayed gone for the 3 hours she was gone but he didn't go to dinner. I didn't text or ask if he was coming back like normal. His mom asked him to stay the week with her yesterday. It's aggravating to me that I'm expected to run our household alone but at the same time that may be my reality here soon anyway so I'm working on letting dealing with those feelings and letting them go. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be hurt by his actions. I wish I wasn't. I'm having a hard time letting go of the expectations I have for him based on how our life was and how he was when our other two boys were born. Between school the baby and our boys I feel so alone. I'm working on dealing with those feelings but I really don't know how to be indifferent about them.
Anyway, my plans are not contacting H... no initiating affection. No questions about his day or anything. I will be friendly and polite when he talks to me and I will respond if he texts me but that's all I'm doing. He wants to part ways and I need to start detaching because I am so far from detached.
He continues to kiss me still. He kissed me last night even before he took a shower which is something he hasn't done in awhile. Then he text me while he was gone waiting for his mom of where he was and who he was with. He is so up and down. I think that's why it's hard for me to detach because I don't see him being done while he's doing these things.
