Chapter 4 - Acting As If

[25yearsmlc]

Question: W has deep resentment that pops up - stirs the pot then she runs away. Then the cycle repeats.

Bigy, I found your thread!

Okay so before I speak to the big elephant in the room, (as if I really could zip thru all of it -I wish),

I do want to ask what you think your w felt when you cut her out of joining you at the conference. Did you think she'd slap her forehead and want to move back in then??

On one hand, you want her to co-parent but you feel she has fallen short in big ways (no argument there).

So when she does want to step up and when SHE IS invited to join you in a parent teacher conference (not a "better parent" teacher conference)
you punish her by forcing her to grovel and get her own appointment, or get the info thru you.

Any mother (or father) would have felt their noses rubbed in their failures then, which of course sets them back on the "convert shame into blame" routine.

Be careful what you wish for...



Last week - I asked W for a few minutes to discuss S11 after school activities for Fall 2107 - she said yes.

Discussed bulk of the matter - she was OK with 50%. I pitched an idea I had for the other 50% - she was not OK. And that happens with the best married couples. I told her it was an idea, happy to look at other options.

Then it started. Where is the $ coming from for my idea... She does not get to see S11, S16 enough. She felt she had to leave/ I forced her the house last year, I was not giving her any options - she implied I had compromised her legal rights.


any truth at all, to ^^^this? Did she consult a L?


I said to her: I did not force her to leave, under Ontario law she could move back in at any time. If she wanted to discuss this we should set up a time to do this. She brought up a few related items, I said (calmly I think), I only wanted to give you a brief update on the after school program, I did not want this conversation to dissolve.

is this "set up a time" strategy working for you? For her?

For the recon I presume you want?

Which brings me to that question...what is it, you actually want, going forward?



Well she left and was tense with me every interaction all week. So

I'm not going to bring it up again ( we are both avoider so, I confident she won't either).


have you gotten T or IC for this^^? I think if you remain conflict avoidant, which imo underlies a huge number of divorces,

are you not saying that part of your m would be the same, if you reconcile?

You need new tools for talking about everything.

My DB coach used to say "keep the road home, paved and smooth" and I agreed with that.

But I'd modify it to add , "and then in piecing, smash/climb the boulders in the path."

SOME of what you are writing is not a smooth, paved road home, but a jagged one that is sure to cut her feet.

Maybe that's something you feel is needed to be sure your w is really invested, but I think you may be making it really hard for her to want to invest. KWIM?

I'd focus on the good times together and what she CAN taste, while knowing she's not really there. Like game nights (or whatever your family bonding times were) still involving her.

SOME will say "too much cake eating!!" 2 responses. First, as my DB coach said, "to an extent, all WAS's get to cake eat for awhile b/c we want to reconcile"

(which bugged me when I first heard it but I take her point)

Secondly, having some fun together and knowing she has times away, time in which those bonding moments will not occur, is giving her something to miss. Not a stoic cold h and resentful kids to flee from.

She'll have a hard enough time admitting she f---ked up, let's not continue to remind her of maternal failures. I cannot think of a way to make a woman feel worse about herself. And I don't think that bodes well for a recon.

More likely cornering her into the need to be right, and that only feeling of being right, probably only comes, if she stays away.


Life is going on, it may crop up again. I'm certain that the resentment is brewing, etc, etc. It will crop up again.


so how will you address conflicts that ALL Lives and marriages have, better from this day forward?

How do we break this cycle? I'm happy to change my habits/patterns and I do with little impact.

We are about 85% N/C


but you are mostly N/C b/c of the conflict avoidance, correct? Isn't that a big part of how you got here in the first place?

Conflicts are Not avoided. Conflicts delayed, tend to fester and metastasize.


I've tried to be business like - only handle one issue, email/text an agenda for a meeting, etc W still ignores me. I handle things on my own, resentment builds and pops up.

Any ideas on how to break this very dumb cycle?

You need to see someone who can help you detach enough yet be authentic. Business like works for the transactional aspects, at best.

Not for authentic emotional issues. Somehow you must remain calm and not in attack mode

but you are allowed to say you are in pain, without attack, are you not?

Have you seen someone about this?