WAW and the Big D

[Zues126]

Bdog, sorry you're going through this.

When I was faced with custody negotiations there were two separate challenges. One physical, one mental. The physical was the very real risks that my time with my children would be limited. The mental was the total shock that came from the realization that in our court system decisions get made routinely that can remove your children from your life.

This was a horrifying revelation. I mean, you see half of the country living in split homes and you know that not everyone came to a unanimous agreement on how to raise the children, so you know somehow not everyone is happy. But until you are in the middle of it you don't really understand what's at stake.

The single most memorable event in my entire life was when I was told by my L that I had to put together a 20 minute presentation that I was to share with social services. It was to encompass how our family formed, where we were today, my current relationship with the children, what I wanted for custody, and why I thought it would be best for the children. At this time XW wanted full custody with me getting every other weekend and additional time in the summer. After TWO YEARS of seeing my children grow up through these 'visitation' hours I knew this wasn't enough. There is a monumental difference between saying hi to your kids and hearing about their lives versus living it with them.

I was angrier than I had ever been before. It wasn't a quick rage like anger. It was a burning anger that didn't go away. I felt like I was on trial for a crime I didn't commit, that I could be sentenced to 15 years where I would be put to work to pay child support for children I could only see during appropriate visitation. I'm on the record of saying this is the most inhumane part of our modern society since the abolishment of slavery. We look back at 150 years ago and shudder that families could be torn apart and people collared and denied the right to live their lives with their children. Well, I truly believe that in 100 years from now it won't work the way it does today and that future generations will be absolutely appalled at the divorce culture we established and destruction of families it caused.

This was such a big moment in my life I want to share with you how I prepared. My execution in the meeting went EXACTLY as I lay it out here:

I went to a drugstore and got two little plastic scrap books that hold 36 photos...then I printed out duplicate copies of 36 pictures of my kids, and put them in a nice order.

During my presentation I am going to start by skimming through the years we were together very, very quickly. Then I'm going to talk about BD and the days since. What I've done as a man. IC, support group, journaling, and reconnecting with my family. Then I'm going to talk about what I've done as a dad. Working hard to support them in both households, getting a different job that allows me more flexibility to make room for increased time with them. Then I'm going to give them a glimpse of what we've done together by going through the scrap book. Science museums, trips to the zoo and festivals, hikes around lakes, board games, reading books, birthday parties, trick or treating...then I'm going to talk about what's not in the pictures, homework, violin lessons, getting them to eat new foods, and so on. How my son doesn't seem like he's got behavioral issues when he's with me, and that I know he feels safe and at home when we're together. How my daughter tells me when we're together it's like the world becomes full of magic and it's like our special universe to just be together.

Then I'm going to talk about what's missing from the pictures. Pictures of visiting my mom in IL because we don't have time to make that trip and we've never been out of state together. Pictures of them playing with neighbor children because they don't know our neighbors because they don't have time and feel they need to make every minute with their dad count. Day to day life. The quiet time where they do their own thing knowing dad is in the room next door. I'll talk about how all my children constantly tell me they miss me and wish they could have more time with me. How when they get in the car on a Tuesday visit after not seeing them for 6 days it's so hard because we've become disconnected, and missed so much life together, and by the time the bond is reestablished our three hours are up and it's time for bed and school and I will see them again on the weekend. And that I hurt being apart for so long, and while this is about the children's pain and not mine, I know that they are hurting too.

Then I'll tell them what I want. 50/50 parenting time. OK to make that happen over 1-2 steps over the next 3-12 months. I'll mention that I know there are concerns. I know there are trade offs. This is disruptive to their school week, etc. But I'll let it be known that it wasn't my choice, and it darn sure wasn't the children's, and it's not fair to them to give them anything less than a meaningful relationship with both of their parents.

Then I'm going to drop the mic and walk the heck out of that place.

When I got to the part about what's missing from those pictures it broke some hearts. It was the most powerful moment of my life.

What I learned is that the courts try very hard to make an inhumane situation humane. Most people working in these fields do so because they care for others and want what's best for families. Father's rights are firmly on the radar. The days of defaulting to the mama or taking everything she says as gospel are gone. The courts see through attempts of either parent to get parental time as a means to pay less or receive more child support. They get a really good grasp of the entire situation.

For me I was surprised at how validated I actually felt. Unlike you I had come off two years of visitation. During my M I was a working father and she was a SAHM, so I had a hill to climb. Yet my social workers were very interested in what I had been doing the last couple of years, how things had gone with me and my children, how we spent our time together, etc. And at the end of it they told XW that she needed to understand that she wasn't the real parent and me the father figure, we were both 50% parents in every sense. And that while I might not have some of the experience that she'd accrued being a SAHM, that I had the right to gain that experience through living with my children the same we she did. They granted both.

My goals with this post were to offer some empathy for how distasteful this is to go through, encourage you that you have a legitimate opportunity to obtain the resolution you want, and inspire you to put in the preparation that it takes to confer your vision to those that will be guiding these decisions. You CAN do this.