I haven't been keeping up with what is going on with you but I can tell that you're hurting and confused.
That "ad" from your W. Sounds like an exercise to prevent alienation of the other parent? Many divorcing parents can't separate the relationship from the parenting, and end up denigrating the other parent to the child. Sometimes they don't even see that they're doing it, and its, of course, awful for the kiddos to have to endure that.
So your W was selling you. I find her words curious. Some are very standard, and some are more emotional, and some feel a little snarky.
I'm sorry if that hurt to see, but take away the power of it. What does it represent to you? Why does it hurt? It's a somewhat sensible exercise and your W probably thought she was clever and shared it with you.
And, frankly, that's not a text about the kids. That's HER reaching out to YOU, and I can't tell if it's to raise your hackles or just to poke you and say "remember me?" Who knows? But this is not a co-parenting text even though she was in a co-parenting class. I can't say why she sent it, but you do need to look at that and stop trying to lump this in as being about the kids. It was about her and her emotions and she sent it to you. There is attachment there. Positive or negative, I don't know.
As for the new lady, it does sound like a rebound. The intensity that you're feeling is a red flag, but unfortunately it is usually something that causes people to dive right in, thinking that the intensity is meaningful about the quality of the person or the relationship. And it's usually that you've located someone who is a good fit for recreating childhood trauma. That's where that "intensity" and feeling of fulfillment come from. It's not her. Feeling intensity when you are emotionally vulnerable usually means that continuing with the person will produce a rollercoaster high, and then a rollercoaster low when the high wears off. Which it will.
I did a rebound during my last breakup. I knew I was still heartbroken, so I didn't try to get too serious. I found a cute, interesting guy with very soulful eyes and I felt giddy that I was attracted to someone again. I felt "back in the game". And my ex had hurt me so badly I didn't want him to be the last one I'd slept with. I wanted to "reset" things. And I did. Even though the relationship wasn't a big deal, I got very clingy. Embarrassingly so. Because it was never about this individual guy, it was about how he made me feel. And when it ended, I cried tears for my ex. It brought up all the sorrow ten-fold.
My ex, on the other hand, (we did reunited), did what you are doing. He found someone with whom he felt "intensity" and he dove in. He was trying to prove something to himself - that he'd done the right thing by leaving me and that he could easily replace me. He committed to her way too soon, and they were off taking weekend trips as if they had a future together. He wanted a "new me" but his picker was way off. He ended up choosing the same type of dysfunctional woman he always chooses (aside from me, whom he met the one time in his life when he was in IC). He likes narcissist women to whom he can't get too close. He recreates the dynamic with his mother with them, hoping he'll finally win the selfish and self-absorbed person over, and correct his childhood hurts.
(And, I know what you're thinking - he likes these narcs for their looks, right? Man, I've seen some of them, and I've seen his ex-wife, and it appears he is actually a connoisseur of, er, largely unattractive narcissists. Jeez Louise was that confusing for my ego, as someone sane and physically attractive. It kind of disgusted me and lowered his value in my eyes.)
Anywho, his rebound ended in disaster, and it only made him miss me more. The "intensity" that seems so promising always wears off in the light of day, and all the positives you were projecting as part of feeling that intensity go away (they were never there in the first place) and all the person's negatives that you couldn't see become glaringly apparent.
You are hurting and uncertain and you are looking for quick fixes. What you're feeling for this new lady is likely not about her, the person, and more about what she represents to you. That's why people are saying it's unfair to her. You're not "seeing" her.
But you're going to do what you're going to do, and maybe pursuing this is what you'll do. If you do, don't get carried away by the passion and intensity, because I 100% guarantee those things aren't what you think that they are. And any idea that you can create closeness to her without anyone developing emotional ties is magical thinking. People get attached and someone gets hurt.
Broken attracts broken. I have to say that I don't find anyone who is still wounded from their last breakup very attractive. This was after unwittingly being that rebound for someone. I recognize the signs and I run screaming from any guy who wants all the good stuff of a relationship with none of the commitment, because ______. It's magical thinking and it won't happen.
I'm also lonely and miss the hugs and hand holding and loving support. I miss a body in bed next to me. Heck, I even miss H's bed hogging and constantly trying to intertwine his legs with mine (I haaaaated that). I know I could go out and find a guy for my bed, but I know that wouldn't be fair to him and it certainly wouldn't be fair to me. I'm the walking wounded, and it would just be a quick fix that would actually create more hurt feelings for me.
The most personal growth occurs when we can stand on our own two feet and say "I'm enough as I am. I make myself happy. I don't need anyone else." Once you can really and truly believe those things, you are, quite ironically, ready to meet someone healthy. At that point, healthy women will be attracted to you, if that's what you want. (And it also usually attracts ex's back, who may or may not have experienced growth themselves.)
Do what you're going to do. It's your life.
If you continue with her, just be very clear with her that you're not ready for a relationship and you may never be ready for a relationship with her (DO NOT casually leave off that last part to soften it, as it would be intentionally misleading her.) You are essentially looking for a human stop gap while you are hurting, and she needs to know that. She can choose to run screaming or stay, and know if she chooses the latter, she likely has some major self-esteem issues or attachment avoidance issues of her own. A healthy woman doesn't sign up for the "heal each other but no one will get hurt" type of arrangement because it doesn't tend to actually work out that way.
