I am hesitant in responding b/c of what you have said about her depression and thoughts of suicide. I do not agree that the current situation is all your fault. Neither is every little bump in daily interactions are caused from you not saying or doing just the right thing.
From reading your thread, it pictures a man who is blaming himself for the past and striving to make improvements. He has a younger W who is in a PA with OM, and listens to her talk about the OM. He seems so disparate to be in his W's life that he is willing to share her with another man. IMHO, that is a formula for a very unhealthy MR.
If your W is showing erratic behavior and mentions suicide, she should be under the care of a doctor/therapy. Does she show erratic behavior only when she is responding to something you've said or done? Does she show erratic behavior with others, at work, etc? What about her family? Are they close and involved in her life?
I'm not sure if you are a meek and gentle man who compromises his boundaries.........or if you have a mistaken concept about DBing. Your W spends time with you on certain days and time with the OM on certain days. It's almost like a visitation schedule between you and the OM. Do you believe your W will be genuinely attracted to a H who is willing to share her with another man b/c he fears losing her? That must be a killer on your dignity.
Your W is bringing dispect into the sacred union of your marriage. You appear to believe the statements she makes about being with OM causes her to appreciate you more, and she's attracted to you, and how you need to be fair to him. Her values and standards and her sexually morality seems out of whack. Affairs can do that to people. It is not irreversible, if she has someone who is like a lighthouse, shining out the light from a place of stability. IMHO, you are trying to adapt to a lifestyle that is not what you really want, b/c in your heart you know she does not respect you if you share her with another man.
I encourage you to stand by your core values. Do not compromise your integrity. Don't confuse your aim in changing for the better.......with becoming a puppet. Sometimes when a person sees his mistakes and wants to make up for the past, he takes responsibility for all of his faults.....and the faults of his spouse. He blames himself for the inappropriate behavior of his spouse.....to the point of rationalizing her actions. In his eagerness to show his changes, he begins trying to appease and accommodate his W's demands to the extent his role becomes subservient . Is this the man you really want to become?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
