Who's fault is this again? Can I forgive her?

[roist]

Irish please don't take this the wrong way. It is meant to be helpful or at least my thoughts on it.


Your W did a nice thing. For someone reaching out sending flowers was a step in the right direction. It was a good occasion and she seized it.

It was inappropriate of her to mention not being her choice.

The reaction of your D was understandable but probably disproportionate to what occurred. Your W triggers negative reactions in your girls. Who would blame them. I am not sure how but if it was my girls I would try figure out how to reduce the affect of such triggers. In a polite way help them detach.

I am sorry this almost ruined her big day and am glad it didn't

Best wishes

[Irish M]

Hi Job, SBJ, bttrfly and Brubeck. I appreciate your encouragement and support.

Yes, I too am so happy we were all able to continue our day and not let anything about XW affect D16 day.

Roist :-) I never take anything the wrong way. I enjoy reading everyone's opinion and suggestion. If I didn't look at thing in different angles I will always go in the same direction, usually ending up in circles. The reason I post here and read so many stitch, is to get that knowledge, breakaway from the norm and open my thoughts to so much more. Good or bad.

I truly appreciate your prayers and insight on my Xw waking up one day and making things right. I feel it will happen as well. One day. Today or tomorrow is not that day. It is far off. +

The girls are 14 and 16 have been at this since the were 12 and 14. Just kids. Had their perfect lives torn from them and at the same time having their mom yell at them, push them, drive them in the car no seat belts and slam on the brakes making them bounce around in the back seat. had their mom offer them drugs and drinking. In a months time she completely cut them off. No love, no hugs, any attempts from them to talk to her was a door slammed in their face.

Then months of mom gone lost. No contact. Only reaching out when I needed to talk to her and she realizing she has kids.

My divorce ,. I did not have to fight for my kids. They didn't have to stand in front of the court and ask to live with daddy. She signed a paper before the court date and threw it at the lawyer.. telling her.. he can have the kids. They are his not mine.

All in the while I kept telling the girls mommy is not herself. She is going to wake up and realize her mistake. Its not their fault.
Me working with therapist to ensure they are ok. Also asked XW to consult with them to rebuild that connection. XW refused.

The anger and hatred is a normal phase they will go through. They are teens remember. No empathy skills yet. MLCr are teen like. Very me , myself and I attitude and thinking for the moment and not the consequence ..

how could you expect my teens, after going through such an ordeal , accept their mom for who she is, open the door to her and let her bring in her MLC drama and crap into their lives. They want nothing to do with this woman who is clearly not a mother, not the person they knew and is with the worst kind of man possible.


I appreciate your positive look on this and seeing my XW pop out when it is convenient to her around special dates. Her flowers to me were selfish. Not thinking at all how will this affect D16. Her card was only what a fool with no clue would write. Not accepting her role in this still.

Again I also want to agree with you. For her, in her MLC mind it was nice. Nice of her being a mom thinking of her D16.


With all that said, she followed up the next morning with an email to both D's

Hi girls, it was a hard day not being there. I respected you both because you abandoned me. You don't want me in your life. I want you both to know that I always and still do put you first. I hope you will reach out to me.
Oh, D14, when you graduate I hope I will be there to watch. Also I hope to be part of your 16th birthday.
Have a nice summer. Mom

I see both good and bad with that email. Her hopes are good. her actions are bad. Also the hoping they have a nice summer?? is that nice or is that no contact until fall. lol She claims to put them first.. ? how?

In the end, she still lives in another town, lives with Om, continues to lie about why she is where she is. Blaming the girls. Not taking any kind of responsibility. Zero messaging to me. (thank you Jesus). She has a long way to go.


what i do know. We will have an amazing summer. we will make more memories and our family bond will be ever more stronger.


Hugs

Irish

[roist]

The girls feelings for their mother are understandable and deserved. No arguing that. My point was not for them to throw down a red carpet but more so to get to a point where they can brush it off without being dragged down by her. It was your daughters initial reaction that sparked my thoughts.

I think when I saw her reaction I wanted to help her not continue to be as affected. Guess I have grown to like you and your girls.

One point I didn't make yesterday is that on several occasions you have pointed out that W has missed big occasions without any contact for example Christmas and birthdays. Yesterday you could have been writing that she didnt even make contact for yet another big event. That I believe would have been more damaging long term.

I know job advocates leaving her alone, but sometimes maybe she should be questioned. The girls are reacting to choices that SHE made. They did not chose to act that way. I know you have already pointed that out to her. Maybe you could ask her why she thinks D's abandoned her or why they are reluctant to let her back into their lives. I imagine her initial answers will not be great but it could cause her to think more about it.

On a sidenote maybe you should thank her for the geste with the flowers. You could add that you were saddened by the attitude expressed in the card as it negates the effort she made.

Anyway just an outsiders view.

Best wishes

[rd500]

Hi Irish , as you know I have two D's the same age as yours and a couple of older boys. I've just gone through the whole graduation thing for one boy and eldest D. Like you I loved every minute , even the shopping ( 12 hours in total ). Your D's suffered more than mine at BD and my youngest D does see her mom for about 5 hours a week. The other three don't because that don't want Any more pain. I understand your daughters reaction and my thoughts are that the only option you had was to dismiss it as quickly as possible with minimum fuss which you seem go have done.

Generally I think your ex and Ds will have a relationship again one day but who knows what depth.

I agree with others that ex at least made an effort even if she didn't ( couldn't) think it through.

Your a great role model and as you always do , put the girls first , if that means deflecting Ex's madness then so be it.

Stay strong , Rd

[OwnIt]

Irish, I am so incredibly impressed by your outlook and how you have embraced your role as a single father (and mother). I look to you for inspiration in being more present with my own kids and making sure that they do not miss out on any opportunities they would have had if we had remained intact. I'm going to take my S, who loves the outdoors, hiking, white-water rafting, kayaking, and skeet shooting this summer. Not things I'm especially looking forward to (except the rafting) but it is what he deserves. Thank you for the inspiration!

[Ginger1]

I truly do hope one day your ex takes TRUE accountability for what she has done to your D's. Only then will a relationship be fostered. She still needs to say to her children that THEY abandoned HER. I won't lie, it makes me furious just reading that's how she worded her email.

I do pray one day she takes full responsibility and accountability for her actions and lays one of the blame on your D's.

Keep on being the incredible parent and person you are.

[Ginger1]

....and I side personal note, something you made me realize......

I had mentioned my mother was mentally ill and pretty much laid a lot of blame on me when I was 17and my dad left. It was all about what I was doing to HER. I think if my mother was still alive and somehow she truly apologized for the pressure and blame she put on me, we would have had somewhat of a good relationship. I just wanted her to stop blaming me and everything else for how she felt and consequences to her actions. That's all I wanted.

And this is probably why I blame myself every time a relationship ends....... Ahhh, those FOO issues.

[HaWho]

Ditto to all that has already been said. You are a tank for those girls.

As we all know, projection and MLC go together. Those seemingly outrageous statements your exw makes? It's been written that you often can make sense of their statements if you simply you turn the "you" to "I." In which case, your exw would be telling the truth to her kids: "I abandoned you."

I have witnessed the projection first hand and it is flabbergasting. It's been pointed at me though and not my boys. Sadly, your wife directs it at her kids who, of course, are not expected to make any excuses for her.

Keep up the great work!

[peacetoday]

MLC is a baffling thing

we read each others thread and can hardly believe any responsible parent would treat there kids in a hurtful way like the MLCer does

This is what makes me 100% sure MLC is a real issue and not some made up thing
too many of them have similar behaviors

Your XW keeps trying - but
she is just not at a place yet-she can't really apologize and she can't see her part
she lives in denial..but there will hopefully come a time she sees more truth
only time will tell when and how long this takes

I wish we could see more resolution here but as we know some Mlcer 's may stay stuck a long time
Best to continue moving ones you have been

Peace

[BrightFuture]

Irish, I had tears in my eyes when I was reading your post about the prom preparations and about the prom day. This is something that happens only once in a lifetime. Holidays and birthdays are repeated every year, but graduations and proms are not. You've doing a great job, making sure you Ds have the greatest memories, in spite of the ordeal they've been through. I feel sad that your ex could not be there for your D16's big event. I feel sad for both, your D and her Mom. Your ex is going to face a hard truth one day, and it going to hurt like h#ll to realize that she was not there.

Keep on making the great memories with your girls, Irish! You rock!