I really don't know how to marshal my thoughts. A lot of people weighed in here and I want to answer them... if y'all care enough to ask, I care enough to answer. But right now I can't. I've been avoiding doing so since last evening when I read all the other responses. When I try, I feel like I'm justifying. I'm trying to figure out if that's true. I don't lie, and that includes to myself. I'll answer when I figure out my answers.
I just got gut punched by a text from W, who isn't supposed to be talking to me. She's taking her parenting class today. Apparently, they had to "sell" their spouses as an exercise. I got the "pleasure" of seeing a photo of her ad.
Quote:
For sale: Nerdy, booksmart, oblivious, sweetheart, quiet, amazing father, over worker, great cook, and much more. 42 year old IT manager with a yearning for family values but gets super oblivious. He needs to be owned, so make him yours today!
I hate that this made me sad. I hate that this came from someone who threw me away like trash. I hate that I can't tell if this is just a way to keep me attached and hurt me. I hate that I have no trust. I hate that it doesn't change how I feel.
I hate that y'all have called me out on my use of the word "never." I hate that I might be wrong. I hate being the WAS. I hate that I don't WANT to change that. I hate feeling like a failure for letting my marriage die. I hate that I'm the one that filed, regardless of why I had to.
On the plus side... texting with W right now about D... and don't really feel anything. She tried to pick a fight, then blamed me for it, and I just don't want to fight. So yay for some level of detachment, I guess.
There are like 20 mentions of the word hate in your exposee. I get you. Hate is good, anger is good, but you have to let it out, do not bottle it. Go hiking in the woods, yell at a birch, take a baseball bat to a trash can. Get it out.
And these feelings are exactly why you need you time. To learn to love yourself first. You have to come first! YOU! Not some surrogate. When you enmesh yourself with someone else, you lose you. Again lost...
