I dont mean to pile on and I apologize in advance if you think thats what Im doing. Many will tell you that it's 'too soon' after BD to date, but Im not sure I agree with that. I think that the number of days is just a number, and Im not sure that there is a hard and fast rule but more of a feeling.
The problem is that you still seem incredibly emotionally attached to your W. I asked my GF what her opinions would be if I were to spend 2 hours spewing and crying with a STBX and she said she would be out immediately. I worry that your GF has a bad relationship history or self esteem issues or something that is allowing her to overlook these signs of concern and press on.
In my mind, people are saying two things to you and you are kind of focusing on one of them: - The first is about the possibility of reconciling your marriage. I believe it is incredibly possible. You say your W will "never change" and thinks she "doesnt need to change". I call BS on that - of course thats what shes saying RIGHT NOW. Nobody thinks that they need to change until they realize that they need to. I thought I was a pretty awesome dude until BD and then, when I shined a light onto myself, I realized how much growth I needed to do. I imagine she is going to go through the same thing - You say it will never happen, but I dont believe in those absolutes. It may be unlikely, but, who knows the future. You spend a lot of time talking about why this wont work. Ultimately, Im not necessarily disagreeing with you. I think you are being a little hasty in casting the potential for R aside, but I also wouldnt expect you to hang around forever waiting, wishing, hoping for a break.
- The second is about the healing that you need to do. Breakups are hard. Especially ones that you didnt want or even necessarily suspect was coming. Its an incredible hit to your self-esteem (not to mention the months of downward trending relationship where you felt insufficient, overworked, underappreciated, etc). I know for me, as soon as anyone even gave a hint of interest, I felt 'over-the-moon' and all of those 'in-love' feelings. I wholeheartedly believe that I got extremely lucky with GF - I probably started dating too soon and mistook 'in love' feelings for 'love'. But almost 2 years later, I feel like the 'in love' has blossomed into actual love, but I feel like I am an exception. I will say that I believe that I was far further along in the detachment process than you are now; I had been at almost 6 months of NC except for parenting matters or legal matters, I had crazy (probably unsustainable) amounts of GAL going, and I had really spent several months focusing on me and my kids without anyone else. Its really this part that I wish you would focus on. Its not so much for reconciling, its to get you to a place where you are capable of having good, healthy relationships without the burden of your marriage creeping in. I would wish for you to take some time to be alone, to 'date yourself', so that you can really identify your own issues and learn to be independent, and learn your value, and learn how to be happy.
