Thank you, thank you! I sure hope this time is better than all the others!

So, I upped my Ad's myself. And it is helping a little. I am functioning better, getting stuff done, not so tired all the time and my mood is a little better. I hate that I went from being off of them to double the dose, but I gotta do what I gotta do.

Waking up in the morning has been a little rough. A little bit of anxiety washes over me but leaves quickly. it sounds dumb, but my best part of waking up was his good morning text. Asking me how I slept. Wishing me a good day. Looking forward to seeing him at the end of it. I miss that. Like I said, we had a good friendship. I don't think I mentioned.....at my bday dinner with D9, out of no where she hides her face and then looks at me with this scary face that FF used to make that used to freak me out. he was teaching D9 how to do it. It literally came out of no where. She hasn't mentioned him 2 weeks..... I guess maybe he was one her mind a little too.

The good news? I am super busy, catching up on the things in my home and life I sacrificed to have a relationship with him. Those sacrifices were worth it, but I might as well catch up now. I have been building a Match profile. Haven't signed up yet, but I have to muster up the energy and courage to go online and deal with it. I played with it a little last night. Maybe soon I'll get the cojones to sign up. I haven't had much online luck, but I am due for a little. I start volleyball in 2 weeks and I am excited and nervous about it. Nervous because I am doing it alone but not with a friend. I'll usually try something new or put myself into a new social situation, but with a friend at my side. I am flying solo on this one. But it should be a good time.

I also came across this book in loneliness while I was googling some stuff. It is written by a woman feels loneliness if a condition, and it is not to be confused with depression. There is an online excerpt from her book and I couldn't believe how much I can relate. She felt the worst of it in her 30's. She was an only child (like me) in the sense that her older siblings were much older. She was like me, with a great group of friends, sociable, always trying to be around others, but still had that sense of loneliness. If I think back to childhood, even with friends, I felt a sense of lonliness. She views human connection like I do. Connecting on a certain intimate level makes it meaningful and less lonely. She did end up meeting someone, but ended up in an isolated state again by moving to the middle of nowhere with her partner and losing other connections in her life.

Anyways, I am going to order it. Maybe I'll understand myself better and how to combat this in a healthy way.

I feel like I have been fighting all my life to overcome something. Something outside or within me. I do plan on taking sometime to love myself as I am instead of constantly trying to "fix" myself. But I think this book might just be relatable anyways.

That's my journaling/rambling for the day. This afternoon is D9's 4th grade picnic. I get to leave work at lunch and it's a beautiful day.