Boston Dad in need of Help

[Accuray]

Teppo I agree with Cadet, although rather than using a "stranger you met on the street" I recommend a friendly co-worker standard. With a friendly coworker you don't know that well you would be polite, but you wouldn't go out of your way to do favors, you wouldn't share anything personal, and your mood certainly wouldn't be impacted by things they said or did.

Often we get caught up on what we should and shouldn't be doing, but the important thing is not the what, but the how, or what your demeanor is like.

You need to "open the cage door" as it were, and what that means is that you need to completely let her off the hook in terms of influencing your feelings.

If she knows that you are "okay" no matter what she does, then she is free to deal with her own feelings and work things out for herself.

If she's constantly aware that her actions and her decisions are making you sad/angsty/mad/etc. then she will wear that feeling like a yoke of oppression and her main focus will be getting away from it.

Regarding your tea question, here's the nuance. If you make her tea and then sit there staring at her with puppy dog eyes waiting for a pat on the head, that would be a fail because you're making her responsible for your emotions. If you give her some tea while making some for yourself, and everything about your demeanor says that you don't care if she drinks it, pours it down the drain, leaves it on the table, or runs naked through town balancing it on her head, then it's okay to do.

To add some levity as Damone said in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" you need to have "The Attitude". The attitude says that you don't care if she comes, stays, lays or prays, whatever happens your toes are still tapping.

So whether you do any particular thing really doesn't matter. You could do her tons of favors with an attitude that clearly says you don't care if she appreciates it or not because either way you're fine, or you could do her no favors, not talk to her at all, but mope around in her presence crying all the time.

The key here is to take the weight of *your* feelings off her shoulders and bear that burden 100% yourself. The DB prescription for that is to "GAL" or go out and "Get a Life" which allows you to regain self esteem and confidence through interactions with people other than your wife.

Acc