DonH, Past that, why can't I have something nice for once? Why can't I get blindsided and fall in love like a bad movie? I can't reason myself out of this one: the compatibility and chemistry here is through the roof. Someone who DOESN'T NEED ME for once in my life. Someone who DOESN'T CARE what I can give them, or do for them. Someone who encourages me to keep being my own person. That I can talk philosophy with, or books, or art, or about childish things. Make out in a movie theater like teenagers for the first time in my life. Feel PASSION that has NEVER ONCE been part of my life in my four decades. See that passion looking RIGHT BACK AT ME when I look into another set of eyes. Why is this so bad? Why walk away from something good, JUST for someone who doesn't DESERVE the chance, or for a marriage that is already dead??
WHY?
You are asking why? I'll tell you why.
Because you are not thinking rationally. You are hurting, you are bleeding and all you can think of is how to stop the hurt. You are using someone to fill the void that got created inside of you. And you are placing an enormous responsibility of making you happy on someone else. THAT IS WRONG!
Until you realize that no one can make you happy, that only you can make you happy, until then you will be stuck. You are in such an unhealthy place right now. The best course of action for you would be to be still and heal. You need a lot of healing. You need to reinvent yourself. YOU ARE A BROKEN MAN! And broken attracts broken, so if your "GF" is attracted to you, that is a sign in itself. I GET YOU! It is soothing and so effin nice to have a warm body next to you, to hold you... BUT IT IS WRONG! You are not being fair to the "GF", nor to your D and certainly and most importantly to yourself.
EastTN: can you focus on just those platonic elements? Talk philosophy keep yourself busy.
I think especially since you say it feels meaningful you should hold of. Second relationships have a tough track record. And if there is anything unresolved you might get into a crisis state.
But yes, I know...the feeling of a warm body hugging you and saying she wants you and she loves you. That is all you want. But maybe you are different but in my case that is all SHE wanted and I had a poor track record expressing that.
I dont mean to pile on and I apologize in advance if you think thats what Im doing. Many will tell you that it's 'too soon' after BD to date, but Im not sure I agree with that. I think that the number of days is just a number, and Im not sure that there is a hard and fast rule but more of a feeling.
The problem is that you still seem incredibly emotionally attached to your W. I asked my GF what her opinions would be if I were to spend 2 hours spewing and crying with a STBX and she said she would be out immediately. I worry that your GF has a bad relationship history or self esteem issues or something that is allowing her to overlook these signs of concern and press on.
In my mind, people are saying two things to you and you are kind of focusing on one of them: - The first is about the possibility of reconciling your marriage. I believe it is incredibly possible. You say your W will "never change" and thinks she "doesnt need to change". I call BS on that - of course thats what shes saying RIGHT NOW. Nobody thinks that they need to change until they realize that they need to. I thought I was a pretty awesome dude until BD and then, when I shined a light onto myself, I realized how much growth I needed to do. I imagine she is going to go through the same thing - You say it will never happen, but I dont believe in those absolutes. It may be unlikely, but, who knows the future. You spend a lot of time talking about why this wont work. Ultimately, Im not necessarily disagreeing with you. I think you are being a little hasty in casting the potential for R aside, but I also wouldnt expect you to hang around forever waiting, wishing, hoping for a break.
- The second is about the healing that you need to do. Breakups are hard. Especially ones that you didnt want or even necessarily suspect was coming. Its an incredible hit to your self-esteem (not to mention the months of downward trending relationship where you felt insufficient, overworked, underappreciated, etc). I know for me, as soon as anyone even gave a hint of interest, I felt 'over-the-moon' and all of those 'in-love' feelings. I wholeheartedly believe that I got extremely lucky with GF - I probably started dating too soon and mistook 'in love' feelings for 'love'. But almost 2 years later, I feel like the 'in love' has blossomed into actual love, but I feel like I am an exception. I will say that I believe that I was far further along in the detachment process than you are now; I had been at almost 6 months of NC except for parenting matters or legal matters, I had crazy (probably unsustainable) amounts of GAL going, and I had really spent several months focusing on me and my kids without anyone else. Its really this part that I wish you would focus on. Its not so much for reconciling, its to get you to a place where you are capable of having good, healthy relationships without the burden of your marriage creeping in. I would wish for you to take some time to be alone, to 'date yourself', so that you can really identify your own issues and learn to be independent, and learn your value, and learn how to be happy.
I really don't know how to marshal my thoughts. A lot of people weighed in here and I want to answer them... if y'all care enough to ask, I care enough to answer. But right now I can't. I've been avoiding doing so since last evening when I read all the other responses. When I try, I feel like I'm justifying. I'm trying to figure out if that's true. I don't lie, and that includes to myself. I'll answer when I figure out my answers.
I just got gut punched by a text from W, who isn't supposed to be talking to me. She's taking her parenting class today. Apparently, they had to "sell" their spouses as an exercise. I got the "pleasure" of seeing a photo of her ad.
Quote:
For sale: Nerdy, booksmart, oblivious, sweetheart, quiet, amazing father, over worker, great cook, and much more. 42 year old IT manager with a yearning for family values but gets super oblivious. He needs to be owned, so make him yours today!
I hate that this made me sad. I hate that this came from someone who threw me away like trash. I hate that I can't tell if this is just a way to keep me attached and hurt me. I hate that I have no trust. I hate that it doesn't change how I feel.
I hate that y'all have called me out on my use of the word "never." I hate that I might be wrong. I hate being the WAS. I hate that I don't WANT to change that. I hate feeling like a failure for letting my marriage die. I hate that I'm the one that filed, regardless of why I had to.
On the plus side... texting with W right now about D... and don't really feel anything. She tried to pick a fight, then blamed me for it, and I just don't want to fight. So yay for some level of detachment, I guess.
For sale: Nerdy, booksmart, oblivious, sweetheart, quiet, amazing father, over worker, great cook, and much more. 42 year old IT manager with a yearning for family values but gets super oblivious. He needs to be owned, so make him yours today!
If it were me, I dont even think I would reply if I got sent a picture of this.
I really don't know how to marshal my thoughts. A lot of people weighed in here and I want to answer them... if y'all care enough to ask, I care enough to answer. But right now I can't. I've been avoiding doing so since last evening when I read all the other responses. When I try, I feel like I'm justifying. I'm trying to figure out if that's true. I don't lie, and that includes to myself. I'll answer when I figure out my answers.
I just got gut punched by a text from W, who isn't supposed to be talking to me. She's taking her parenting class today. Apparently, they had to "sell" their spouses as an exercise. I got the "pleasure" of seeing a photo of her ad.
Quote:
For sale: Nerdy, booksmart, oblivious, sweetheart, quiet, amazing father, over worker, great cook, and much more. 42 year old IT manager with a yearning for family values but gets super oblivious. He needs to be owned, so make him yours today!
I hate that this made me sad. I hate that this came from someone who threw me away like trash. I hate that I can't tell if this is just a way to keep me attached and hurt me. I hate that I have no trust. I hate that it doesn't change how I feel.
I hate that y'all have called me out on my use of the word "never." I hate that I might be wrong. I hate being the WAS. I hate that I don't WANT to change that. I hate feeling like a failure for letting my marriage die. I hate that I'm the one that filed, regardless of why I had to.
On the plus side... texting with W right now about D... and don't really feel anything. She tried to pick a fight, then blamed me for it, and I just don't want to fight. So yay for some level of detachment, I guess.
There are like 20 mentions of the word hate in your exposee. I get you. Hate is good, anger is good, but you have to let it out, do not bottle it. Go hiking in the woods, yell at a birch, take a baseball bat to a trash can. Get it out.
And these feelings are exactly why you need you time. To learn to love yourself first. You have to come first! YOU! Not some surrogate. When you enmesh yourself with someone else, you lose you. Again lost...
Words are very powerful. The things you tell yourself are very powerful. You convince yourself of things. You've convinced yourself that there is no reason to stay with W. Now you've convinced yourself that you had to file for D. You HAD to file? No, you DECICED to file! Those are two very different things. Why have you told yourself you HAD to file? That almost absolves you for the DECISION you made. There for sure were reasons but you did not HAVE to do anything. You CHOSE to.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
My apologies for the imprecise use of language. Yes, I chose to. I had reasons, and they were good ones, but I DECIDED to do so. I do not absolve myself of responsibility for my choices.
I haven't been keeping up with what is going on with you but I can tell that you're hurting and confused.
That "ad" from your W. Sounds like an exercise to prevent alienation of the other parent? Many divorcing parents can't separate the relationship from the parenting, and end up denigrating the other parent to the child. Sometimes they don't even see that they're doing it, and its, of course, awful for the kiddos to have to endure that.
So your W was selling you. I find her words curious. Some are very standard, and some are more emotional, and some feel a little snarky.
I'm sorry if that hurt to see, but take away the power of it. What does it represent to you? Why does it hurt? It's a somewhat sensible exercise and your W probably thought she was clever and shared it with you.
And, frankly, that's not a text about the kids. That's HER reaching out to YOU, and I can't tell if it's to raise your hackles or just to poke you and say "remember me?" Who knows? But this is not a co-parenting text even though she was in a co-parenting class. I can't say why she sent it, but you do need to look at that and stop trying to lump this in as being about the kids. It was about her and her emotions and she sent it to you. There is attachment there. Positive or negative, I don't know.
As for the new lady, it does sound like a rebound. The intensity that you're feeling is a red flag, but unfortunately it is usually something that causes people to dive right in, thinking that the intensity is meaningful about the quality of the person or the relationship. And it's usually that you've located someone who is a good fit for recreating childhood trauma. That's where that "intensity" and feeling of fulfillment come from. It's not her. Feeling intensity when you are emotionally vulnerable usually means that continuing with the person will produce a rollercoaster high, and then a rollercoaster low when the high wears off. Which it will.
I did a rebound during my last breakup. I knew I was still heartbroken, so I didn't try to get too serious. I found a cute, interesting guy with very soulful eyes and I felt giddy that I was attracted to someone again. I felt "back in the game". And my ex had hurt me so badly I didn't want him to be the last one I'd slept with. I wanted to "reset" things. And I did. Even though the relationship wasn't a big deal, I got very clingy. Embarrassingly so. Because it was never about this individual guy, it was about how he made me feel. And when it ended, I cried tears for my ex. It brought up all the sorrow ten-fold.
My ex, on the other hand, (we did reunited), did what you are doing. He found someone with whom he felt "intensity" and he dove in. He was trying to prove something to himself - that he'd done the right thing by leaving me and that he could easily replace me. He committed to her way too soon, and they were off taking weekend trips as if they had a future together. He wanted a "new me" but his picker was way off. He ended up choosing the same type of dysfunctional woman he always chooses (aside from me, whom he met the one time in his life when he was in IC). He likes narcissist women to whom he can't get too close. He recreates the dynamic with his mother with them, hoping he'll finally win the selfish and self-absorbed person over, and correct his childhood hurts.
(And, I know what you're thinking - he likes these narcs for their looks, right? Man, I've seen some of them, and I've seen his ex-wife, and it appears he is actually a connoisseur of, er, largely unattractive narcissists. Jeez Louise was that confusing for my ego, as someone sane and physically attractive. It kind of disgusted me and lowered his value in my eyes.)
Anywho, his rebound ended in disaster, and it only made him miss me more. The "intensity" that seems so promising always wears off in the light of day, and all the positives you were projecting as part of feeling that intensity go away (they were never there in the first place) and all the person's negatives that you couldn't see become glaringly apparent.
You are hurting and uncertain and you are looking for quick fixes. What you're feeling for this new lady is likely not about her, the person, and more about what she represents to you. That's why people are saying it's unfair to her. You're not "seeing" her.
But you're going to do what you're going to do, and maybe pursuing this is what you'll do. If you do, don't get carried away by the passion and intensity, because I 100% guarantee those things aren't what you think that they are. And any idea that you can create closeness to her without anyone developing emotional ties is magical thinking. People get attached and someone gets hurt.
Broken attracts broken. I have to say that I don't find anyone who is still wounded from their last breakup very attractive. This was after unwittingly being that rebound for someone. I recognize the signs and I run screaming from any guy who wants all the good stuff of a relationship with none of the commitment, because ______. It's magical thinking and it won't happen.
I'm also lonely and miss the hugs and hand holding and loving support. I miss a body in bed next to me. Heck, I even miss H's bed hogging and constantly trying to intertwine his legs with mine (I haaaaated that). I know I could go out and find a guy for my bed, but I know that wouldn't be fair to him and it certainly wouldn't be fair to me. I'm the walking wounded, and it would just be a quick fix that would actually create more hurt feelings for me.
The most personal growth occurs when we can stand on our own two feet and say "I'm enough as I am. I make myself happy. I don't need anyone else." Once you can really and truly believe those things, you are, quite ironically, ready to meet someone healthy. At that point, healthy women will be attracted to you, if that's what you want. (And it also usually attracts ex's back, who may or may not have experienced growth themselves.)
Do what you're going to do. It's your life.
If you continue with her, just be very clear with her that you're not ready for a relationship and you may never be ready for a relationship with her (DO NOT casually leave off that last part to soften it, as it would be intentionally misleading her.) You are essentially looking for a human stop gap while you are hurting, and she needs to know that. She can choose to run screaming or stay, and know if she chooses the latter, she likely has some major self-esteem issues or attachment avoidance issues of her own. A healthy woman doesn't sign up for the "heal each other but no one will get hurt" type of arrangement because it doesn't tend to actually work out that way.
I had my rebound too. I met him when my barely a year old daughter was away for a weekend with my ex and his AP, 6 months into the separation. I was in so much pain, out with friends, and this incredibly hot guy is talking to .....ME! A friend of a friend I was with (whom I can't stand was hitting on him, but he wanted ME!). Long story short, we dated for 2 months. The feelings I got with him were so amazing (never thought it was love) but anything compared to the pain I was felt heavenly. When he broke up with me to date someone else, I so didn't want it to happen. Because of the feelings I had when I was with him. Not because of him. because I could escape the pain, I felt beautiful, sleeping next to another (hot, might I add) body. I didn't want that to go away.
When we ended, just like Cadence, it was my ex I cried for, not him.
You are going to do what you are going to do. But please, pull back the love reins here. If you are going to enjoy it, enjoy it for what it really is in this moment.... a rebound. Maybe in the future it won't be, who knows. But this R is painting the way you view everything else, and right now you need to see clearly to sort out your feelings for yourself.
