Well I have nothing left but to detach and GAL... she basically said she doesn't know what she wants and it is obvious she is forcing herself to feel which lead to a rollercoaster of emotions and the more I am waiting to hug her the more harm it causes.

She seems to focus a lot on me discovering the PA and claims she was on the way out (I suspect that is a lie but her actions did sort of start getting closer to me).

She also was upset I told some friends when I was hurting and I overreacted on her lack of remorse... it's those damn impulses I cannot control. But even though those friends have said they love us both she thinks I am talking bad about her (whereas the opposite is true....I blame myself)

She is upset I am upset about the PA because she claims it didn't influence her decision to leave (I am going to assume that's a lie but I can only control myself)

She is also upset I focus on her saying she wants to kill herself and mentions being depressed because it is caused all by me and has been pretty much the entire decade (she says she felt trapped, despite that we moved to two different states but okay I cannot believe what she says)

It is too volatile for me to get too close. Because after she was angry at me she then was in tears and said she is trying hard to feel back in love because it would be so much easier. I told her that while I want that goal that I have decided that it is not fixed overnight and that I am working on things on my end because I need those skills for myself and that she needs to figure out what it is she wants and that that probably involves her making a decision about what she wants out of a M. That if she wants to work on it I am available but until she decides whether or not to work on it and trust that I am not acting a new part but am genuinely trying to make an effort and that changing yourself takes time and that I have weak moments. I ended it by saying that I am giving it at least a year to see noticeable improvements. She seemed shocked it would take that long so I clarified that it doesn't mean it's bad for a year but that we cannot be expected to be on lovey dovey we trust each other and we have no challenges. That likely a few months before we give it a real effort and after six months we would see some positive consistent behavior.

She also asked about what I tell people and I said I decided that I cannot involve them and I have only done it sparingly with a few people but I am going to stop it (and make it even harder on myself but I cannot involve people we both know). I told her she is amazing and I actually defend her when they insinuate something bad. She was sad and said I am not amazing. I am selfish and an [censored]. I told her I cannot make her take those words away but that I know that isn't true. That only she can work on that.

It just [censored] that we work at the same place and that she doesn't drive. And my work is a bit slow right now so my mind easily wanders. I am going to have to trick myself to not let that happen.

And then right before going to bed she wants to hug me and cries.

I am torn what to see that as: sadness she isn't in love or sadness that she wants out but cannot get herself to do it. But one thing is for sure: when she came back last week I should have been less eager. But how do I turn down my W when she always felt I did that. So maybe I shouldn't turn her down but definitely not suggest anything but let her take the lead. It's going to take a hell of a control effort. Especially with her being so sad.