Here again part 6

[Zues126]

juju's WAH went nuclear when she got the courts involved to get child support set up. He also talked about being controlled. His behavior isn't acceptable but here's what I told juju:

As for your WAH's lack of involvement with son and reluctance to pay support, I am not totally surprised. In the short term I think this is pretty typical given the circumstances. See, he wanted to get away from you. That was it. He just wanted out. Free from your control. He was running. In his mind your son was a way that you could continue to control him through the legal system and if he didn't do what you demanded people with guns would show up to force him to. I'm not suggesting he doesn't have an obligation to provide for your son. My only point is that his reaction to try to get as far away as possible and acting uncooperatively fits the picture of a wild animal running uncontrollably away from something terrifying it. That's why he flew off the handle when you involved the courts for spousal support. Of course he was being unreasonable. Yet he was hurt and terrified beyond reason. It wouldn't surprise me if once things settle down your WAH will realize how much his son means to him and he'll start wanting more time with him and stepping up as a father. He just needs to get far enough away to see you aren't chasing him and tugging at his leash. Which is why I think bringing up the past or criticizing him for his lack of involvement with son now would only keep him running from you. Just let the man be and when he realizes he's not being chased or prodded anymore he might turn into a decent father. That may sting because it doesn't fit a narrative that means everything was his fault or that things are better off without him, but in the end it will mean that your son gets a good father. And I think that's the most important thing right now. Plus, it also means your son will have a great example of someone handling a hard situation with a ton of class. And it will feel really good to look in the mirror and know you have risen above it all. I know, because that's how I feel.

You have held your WAH under a microscope and have heaped massive expectations on him. *THIS* is what he is walking away from. Not you. The disciplinarian that is watching his every move and unleashing fury when his actions don't meet your standards.

Now I understand it is a negative CYCLE, meaning that he does plenty to make it impossible (and possibly stupid) for you to trust him, continuing to reopen wounds he caused due to his prior bad decisions, and so on. I'm not blaming you. It is a destructive cycle.

What I am saying is that if you see how your role in this cycle contributes then you can change your behavior, and this will change his behavior as well. This is right out of DB's "Do something different".

So right now he is telling you directly he is tired of being under your control and criticism. So let go and drop the expectations. Don't use your child as a way to continue to dance this destructive dance where you are constantly exasperated with how little he is doing, rolling your eyes, then explaining how it's his fault for being so irresponsible and unreasonable. Just drop the expectations and let him go on his journey.

Now, you DO need help with the kids. But right now you have to ask yourself- what would you do if he just skipped town and you didn't see him again? What then? Well, you'd reach out to family and friends and find a way to get the support you need to take care of your children. Right? Wouldn't you?

Well, guess what? He DID walk out on you. So do what you need to do and get the help you need. Reach out to friends, family, whoever you need to. But ask for help and get it!

Now- from his vantage point which do you think is going to create more of a result? You nagging him to turn in a weekly calendar where he must continue to answer to you and be reprimanded if you aren't satisfied with his contributions? Or him watching you move forward without him, not looking back, and him watching others stepping in to care for his own child, one he might be in danger of not seeing anymore?

In the end you are right that he's not doing his part and you need support. But he is right that you don't get to control him. You don't need to. Please get the help you need and take care of yourself and your child. Drop the rope and expectations from WAH. Yes, at some point you will need child support if he truly leaves for good, at some point you will need an official visitation schedule and he will HAVE to make financial and/or logistical contributions...but you cornering him with that right now in an effort to demand anything at this moment won't help. Let him go, get help, take care of what you need to take care of. Plenty of time for the courts to operate if things must go that way. Not a dream I have for your family I might add.

Hang in T0.