I'm going to address all the thoughtful posts from yesterday tomorrow. I am in clinic Monday Tuesday and Thursday so Wednesday is my catch up day. mIL gets here tomorrow so I'll be cleaning up the house too.
But I am zipping my mouth with H. I'm going to give it the 30 days Zues challenged me to.
As far as that woman is concerned there will be no more words exchanged. I also will ask MIL when I see her to not discuss anything regarding me with her.
H text me today asking if we wanted to go bowling tonight so when he got home from work we took the boys. We just got home and had a good time. He's still distant and said to me when he got home before we left 'you can come if you want it's up to you' I used going as an opportunity to have fun with the kids and be nice but didn't force conversation with H
Anyway, with his mom being here it will be easier to leave it be because he will be acting normal since he hasn't told her anything is going on.
Srry haven't been able to reply to previous messages I'll get there.
H told me he would be gone staying with MIL the next 10 days. I asked if he would be staying st home with me the nights I have to be out of the house at 530 to help with the baby because he usually helps those nights. He flipped out that I'm just trying to start [censored] and show my ass while his parents are here every time and that I'm trying to control him. I said I wasn't that I just need help the couple nights with the baby that it's a lot to do alone with all 3 kids and making sure the dogs cats etc are taken care of. He told me we need to just get it over with and part ways. Then I tried to ask him are you seriously going to do this right now
He just said I'm done with you done talking about this with you it's over. I'm not doing this anymore. I just said I'm not dealing with this while your moms here
I don't know how to fake being nice to someone that is so cold. I need help at home with a newborn who gets up every 1 1/2-2hours at night and to expect to be gone for 10 days is insane to me. Maybe I'm unrealistic but when I have to be gone for 13 hours on mondays tuesdays and thursdays I would like a little help. I'm not the only parent.
his mom is visiting you guys now, meeting the new grandson?
and their r is unusual, right?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes. She came down knowing there were problems because I just told her things weren't great between us.
He hasn't mentioned a word to her. They talk on the phone onve or twice a week but it's always superficial.
He made this elaborate post on fb with all these emoji smileys how he was picking up 'his mommy' from the airport. It made me cringe when I read it because it took me back to how he acted during last BD. He never posts things like that on FB. Not that I care he posts about being happy about his Kim it's just that it's very out of character. One of our friends text me and asked if someone got ahold of Hs phone and posted that.
After he said we were parting ways and cursed me out and slammed the door he left to go with his mom to take her to her condo. He kisses me goodbye and asks if I want 'something special' from the store.
He was going to stay with his mom but she called me after he left her at the condo and said she told him he needed to go home
I told him tonight I will not be talked to that way. If he wants to talk to me that way he can find the door and leave. He told me he didn't want me telling him what to do. I Didn't respond and went to my bedroom. If know it's against advice but I will not be cursed at in my home while I'm holding our baby just because I asked him to be home ok the nights before I have school to help so I can get a few hours sleep. If that's asking too much then my M is beyond saving.
juju's WAH went nuclear when she got the courts involved to get child support set up. He also talked about being controlled. His behavior isn't acceptable but here's what I told juju:
Quote:
As for your WAH's lack of involvement with son and reluctance to pay support, I am not totally surprised. In the short term I think this is pretty typical given the circumstances. See, he wanted to get away from you. That was it. He just wanted out. Free from your control. He was running. In his mind your son was a way that you could continue to control him through the legal system and if he didn't do what you demanded people with guns would show up to force him to. I'm not suggesting he doesn't have an obligation to provide for your son. My only point is that his reaction to try to get as far away as possible and acting uncooperatively fits the picture of a wild animal running uncontrollably away from something terrifying it. That's why he flew off the handle when you involved the courts for spousal support. Of course he was being unreasonable. Yet he was hurt and terrified beyond reason. It wouldn't surprise me if once things settle down your WAH will realize how much his son means to him and he'll start wanting more time with him and stepping up as a father. He just needs to get far enough away to see you aren't chasing him and tugging at his leash. Which is why I think bringing up the past or criticizing him for his lack of involvement with son now would only keep him running from you. Just let the man be and when he realizes he's not being chased or prodded anymore he might turn into a decent father. That may sting because it doesn't fit a narrative that means everything was his fault or that things are better off without him, but in the end it will mean that your son gets a good father. And I think that's the most important thing right now. Plus, it also means your son will have a great example of someone handling a hard situation with a ton of class. And it will feel really good to look in the mirror and know you have risen above it all. I know, because that's how I feel.
You have held your WAH under a microscope and have heaped massive expectations on him. *THIS* is what he is walking away from. Not you. The disciplinarian that is watching his every move and unleashing fury when his actions don't meet your standards.
Now I understand it is a negative CYCLE, meaning that he does plenty to make it impossible (and possibly stupid) for you to trust him, continuing to reopen wounds he caused due to his prior bad decisions, and so on. I'm not blaming you. It is a destructive cycle.
What I am saying is that if you see how your role in this cycle contributes then you can change your behavior, and this will change his behavior as well. This is right out of DB's "Do something different".
So right now he is telling you directly he is tired of being under your control and criticism. So let go and drop the expectations. Don't use your child as a way to continue to dance this destructive dance where you are constantly exasperated with how little he is doing, rolling your eyes, then explaining how it's his fault for being so irresponsible and unreasonable. Just drop the expectations and let him go on his journey.
Now, you DO need help with the kids. But right now you have to ask yourself- what would you do if he just skipped town and you didn't see him again? What then? Well, you'd reach out to family and friends and find a way to get the support you need to take care of your children. Right? Wouldn't you?
Well, guess what? He DID walk out on you. So do what you need to do and get the help you need. Reach out to friends, family, whoever you need to. But ask for help and get it!
Now- from his vantage point which do you think is going to create more of a result? You nagging him to turn in a weekly calendar where he must continue to answer to you and be reprimanded if you aren't satisfied with his contributions? Or him watching you move forward without him, not looking back, and him watching others stepping in to care for his own child, one he might be in danger of not seeing anymore?
In the end you are right that he's not doing his part and you need support. But he is right that you don't get to control him. You don't need to. Please get the help you need and take care of yourself and your child. Drop the rope and expectations from WAH. Yes, at some point you will need child support if he truly leaves for good, at some point you will need an official visitation schedule and he will HAVE to make financial and/or logistical contributions...but you cornering him with that right now in an effort to demand anything at this moment won't help. Let him go, get help, take care of what you need to take care of. Plenty of time for the courts to operate if things must go that way. Not a dream I have for your family I might add.
Hang in T0.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I can also envision a scenario where you quit asking him for help and he gets curious why, maybe he says "I want to come over and see baby tomorrow" and you say "sorry, not possible, baby will be at my mothers", and then he gets upset and says "you can't keep my child from me!", then you say "Hm, what do you propose, I'm taking care of child and have to run a schedule to make sure baby is cared for...are there certain times you'd like me to plan on being here? If so I'm happy to make that happen..."
Bottom line, it may become a benefit to HIM to make a schedule at some point if you let things take their course.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I thought in my mind he's going to do what he wants and how cold he was to me and the cursing was like last BD which is the first time he's been like that to me this entire time. So I felt like well now I know where we are going...
So before reading your posts I thought well I'm going to have to figure this out and be on my own when he does leave (no matter how messed up it is in my mind to leave right now) so I figured I mind as well get out of his way.
When he got home I just said I would be okay with the baby here by myself so he could stay with his mom. He said she didn't want him to and I didn't say anything else. I also had been trying to come up with s plan for the days H is at work since she doesn't rent a car and I'll be in school. I decided I won't do that anymore. Even though I'm doing it with the best intentions I'm sure he sees it as me controlling so instead I'm going to do nothing. I'll just go to the office come home and if he asks me to go I will. On my days off I'll set up things with her when he's not around but I won't make any plans or suggestions for the times he's off work
Normally I'll set up making dinner or making dinner reservations etc. I won't do any of that. I'll let MIL know so she doesn't think I'm being rude toward her but this way H can feel like I'm not trying to control anything.
Well just journaling here... I'm not sure why I guess it just makes me feel some sort of release to write it out here instead of keeping everything bottled inside since I don't talk to anyone IRL about it anymore.
Yesterday was the first day in months I didn't text or call H. We had a bill due yesterday that I normally remind him of but I didn't. I decided if it's late then it's late... he is still continuing to text with that woman everyday. She normally texts him first thing in the morning and it continues all day. I'm not checking anymore. If he wants to talk to another woman that's his prerogative.
My dad told me (he wants me to leave H but also knows that's what I don't want) that I need to ignore H and move on. Stop waiting around for him. He said that's the only time H respects me and makes an effort is when I'm not there waiting for him.
H had to drive his mom a few towns north of us to meet her friend for dinner. He stayed gone for the 3 hours she was gone but he didn't go to dinner. I didn't text or ask if he was coming back like normal. His mom asked him to stay the week with her yesterday. It's aggravating to me that I'm expected to run our household alone but at the same time that may be my reality here soon anyway so I'm working on letting dealing with those feelings and letting them go. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be hurt by his actions. I wish I wasn't. I'm having a hard time letting go of the expectations I have for him based on how our life was and how he was when our other two boys were born. Between school the baby and our boys I feel so alone. I'm working on dealing with those feelings but I really don't know how to be indifferent about them.
Anyway, my plans are not contacting H... no initiating affection. No questions about his day or anything. I will be friendly and polite when he talks to me and I will respond if he texts me but that's all I'm doing. He wants to part ways and I need to start detaching because I am so far from detached.
He continues to kiss me still. He kissed me last night even before he took a shower which is something he hasn't done in awhile. Then he text me while he was gone waiting for his mom of where he was and who he was with. He is so up and down. I think that's why it's hard for me to detach because I don't see him being done while he's doing these things.
It's aggravating to me that I'm expected to run our household alone but at the same time that may be my reality here soon anyway so I'm working on letting dealing with those feelings and letting them go. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be hurt by his actions. I wish I wasn't. I'm having a hard time letting go of the expectations I have for him based on how our life was and how he was when our other two boys were born. Between school the baby and our boys I feel so alone. I'm working on dealing with those feelings but I really don't know how to be indifferent about them.
Anyway, my plans are not contacting H... no initiating affection. No questions about his day or anything. I will be friendly and polite when he talks to me and I will respond if he texts me but that's all I'm doing. He wants to part ways and I need to start detaching because I am so far from detached.
He continues to kiss me still. He kissed me last night even before he took a shower which is something he hasn't done in awhile. Then he text me while he was gone waiting for his mom of where he was and who he was with. He is so up and down. I think that's why it's hard for me to detach because I don't see him being done while he's doing these things.
Awesome job T0. This looks simply awesome. This has been a hard road and I wanted to make sure to give you a high five when I see you playing your cards so well.
You said it perfectly. It does hurt. You will hurt because of the loss. You will be angry at him because of it. You will be lonely without a companion. You will be tired because of the amount of work you are stuck with. And that will trigger more anger. It might be nice to feel indifferently, but unfortunately there is a difficult grieving process to go through, and some real consequences of this road he's on.
But while you can't control your emotions, you can control your actions and behavior. And you said that the next paragraph. You may feel like you wish you could control him, but as long as you don't actually try to manipulate him with guilt, shame, punishment, etc, then you are doing it right.
You could almost say there are two types of detachment. Having your feelings unaffected by his behavior, and having your actions and decisions unaffected by his behavior. Feelings always follow action. As long as you are acting detached you are doing the best you can today. And the good news is that not only is this the best way to not burn bridges, but it's the best even if the M does end because your feelings will follow the lead of your actions.
Good job again and good luck with day 2 no attached behavior!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I'm struggling on how to be nice but indifferent. How to respond when he kisses me says ILY etc.
I haven't messaged him any pics like I normally would for the last two days. But do I ask about his day ever. We were supposed to start going to the gym together Monday. Do I just start going alone?
I'm just wondering because cleaning up my side of the street regarding the things he Harped on about me was me not trusting him and I haven't asked him wheee he was or questioned him or said anything about him being on his phone for over a month. The other thing was him not feeling appreciated, me not kissing him when he comes in the door, him feeling like I don't care about him ... i don't want a D but I know I need to detach. I just struggle with how do I detach but still fight for my M? I don't even know if what I'm asking makes sense. I don't want to throw in the towel. Me detaching is what I need to do for me but I don't know that it's going to help me save my M if I'm not doing the things he complained about if that makes sense.
