Boston Dad in need of Help

[Accuray]

Hi Teppo,

I'm very sorry for the situation you're in -- the same thing happened to me at about the same time, although I had been married longer.

Most men in your situation are *very* surprised by what has happened and seek to solve it like a math problem. If you can understand what you did wrong, you can fix whatever it is and put things right again. We like to think that things are logical and linear, if I do "A" then I get "B", but unfortunately these situations are so complicated and nuanced, there is no simple thing you're going to figure out that's going to turn things around.

The first thing to think about is to surrender to the fact that there is no easy fix. For people who are used to solving problems, that's not trivial.

The second thing to think about is that there is pretty much nothing you can do to make your wife *feel* the way you want her to feel. She can't even control how she feels about things. What you should take solace in is that she didn't used to feel about you the way she does now, so that proves that feelings can change. Just as you can't point to one single thing that changed her present feelings, you can't do a few simple things that will change things in your favor either, it's much more subtle.

Third, realize what's going on with you. Chances are that if your wife was very unhappy with you, you weren't super happy with her either. When one person leaves, or blows up the relationship, the other person is typically completely stunned and feels totally out of control. Your own complaint list tends to go out the window and you will suddenly feel "in love" again and put your wayward spouse on a pedestal.

Why is that? Why is she suddenly so much more attractive as a partner than she was a month ago? If anything she's treating you worse, not better. The reason is that losing your stability in the relationship is completely threatening and destabilizing. You're not used to living outside of the relationship. Therefore, your brain is going to try to convince you that the fastest way to regain your control over your life is to get her back as fast as possible and at virtually any cost.

This kicks off a cycle of "pursuing" where you (1) try to reverse everything you've ever done that your spouse has complained about, (2) try to beg, plead, convince, etc. to get your spouse to give you another chance, (3) write letters, send e-mails, buy gifts, etc. to "prove" how much you love them.

Despite the fact that this never works, and in fact makes things worse, your brain will refuse to accept that your efforts are making things worse, and you'll keep trying to convince yourself that you're just not doing enough, so you'll try again and again and make things worse and worse, digging the hole deeper and deeper.

This situation plays itself out over and over and over on these boards.

You said in your post that you two never had major fights, and your wife never gave you an ultimatum like "Look! If you don't change your ways I'm leaving!"

That is also very common. There's a lot of incentive to keep the peace when you live with someone, and most people error on the side of letting things pass while building up silent resentment instead of blowing something up into an argument. If your wife gave you an ultimatum like that you might say "I'm not changing my ways, go ahead and leave" and then she becomes the left behind spouse, has no leverage in the relationship, and has to fend for herself. People have a huge amount of fear in that regard, and therefore they almost never bring things to a head until they are already past the point of no return and no longer care if you don't respond to their ultimatum. At that point, it's no longer worth making the ultimatum so they just find an emotional friend, or an affair partner, or walk out the door.

The bottom line there is that as the "left behind spouse" things are much worse than you realize, and have been for longer than you understand. Therefore, turning things around will also take much longer than you can currently appreciate.

Right now your wife resents you -- she resents you for things you did in the marriage both real and imagined, things you didn't do in the marriage both real and imagined, and resents you for making her be the "bad guy" by blowing things up. She also resents you for making her feel guilty about the emotional friendship she's developed with this other man. You're the lightning rod for her resentment.

Each move you make now needs to be measured against that yardstick -- will this make her resent me more, or less? If you make her feel guilty, she's going to resent you. If you make her responsible for your feelings, she's going to resent you. It's a very slippery slope you're on.

Therefore, the very best thing you can do right now is sign up for the telephone coaching on this site and give your wife space. She's asking for space, by denying her that request, you're telling her that you don't care what she wants and your needs are more important. How is that going to make her feel?

It's crazy, crazy counter-intuitive, but the fastest way to get her back is to give her more space than she's asking for. The shortest path back together is for you to move in a straight line in the opposite direction. Distance makes the heart grow fonder was never more true than it is now.

Your brain will reject this with fury! Most people are not successful at giving their spouse space and "dropping the rope". Most people cling to their spouses leg and will not let go.

It takes an incredible amount of discipline. It's like weight loss, everyone understands that to lose weight you have to burn more calories than you consume, that's a simple concept, yet very few have the discipline to actually deny themselves of what they want to do in the moment.

Are you up for the challenge?

Acc