Thanks for taking the time to read all of the crap I've posted, and to put together your response. I realize that I'm a frustrating SOB to give advice to. I really DO listen to it, even if I don't always (okay, rarely) follow it. Sometimes it takes me years to figure out something was the right thing at the time. Sometimes I figure it out milliseconds after I've done the wrong thing. Sometimes I even get things right.
Preface: I am thinking out loud here, not justifying.
I'll readily admit that I think I'm immature. Naive may be a better word. Impulsive? Sure seems so. The messed up thing is that isn't who I am. Under normal circumstances, the best word to describe me is DELIBERATE. I think about things slowly. I plan things. I act after I am sure something is the correct course of action. Often, I take too long to do that (analysis paralysis leads to waiting too long). Under this kind of stress, I go to pieces. I'm an introvert, and I will literally tell strangers what's going on in my life right now. This is my blind spot. The worst place for me to be. The thing I have no plans for. No tools for. No defenses against. Last time I went through a divorce, suicide was a serious option for me (to be fair, I Was being systemically mentally and emotionally abused by 1st W at the time). I got to see the inside of a county jail for what I almost did to myself. I'd run away from this, if I had the option. Move to Alaska and never talk to anyone from my old life. Thankfully, that's not an option for me, and I'm forced to deal with reality, rather than the world I wish I had.
You called me a control freak. I'm not. I don't care about control. Don't want it. Generally reject it. I'll only try to control a situation if it needs to be and no one else is going to. I'd always rather follow than lead. It's probably one of the biggest things wrong with me, to be honest. I HATE responsibility, and that's what control is. When I'm faced with it, I live up to it, but I don't ever want to HAVE to. And I keep finding myself with it, and I live up to it, regardless of it's what I want (or at least regardless of if it's what wanted when I first had the responsibility). Times like this? Yeah, I desperately want to control ME. It seems like I Can't even do that half the time.
You have me on the "I know best." I'm used to being right. When I'm wrong, I am usually REALLY wrong to make up for that.
I won't touch the "in love" part. I can't. When I introspect, I keep coming to the same conclusions, that this is real. However, I'm told insane people never believe they are insane. So my conclusions are suspect. How the heck can I be absolute if I can't trust my perceptions? But who the heck can I listen to here? I've got a therapist that listens to what I'm saying and tells me that I appear to be on a positive path. Her advice (which I also have trouble following, of course) has been sound. It differs from most I'm getting here, but she also has more complete information. More than just written words. Body language, voice cues, etc. How can I not trust that?
"No upside." Here's where I go to absolutes. I really don't see any. Not even D having both of her parents. I've LIVED that. I have BEEN my daughter, and she will NEVER be me. My parents got back together after divorce and it was a disaster. Will it be positive if D goes through this AGAIN at age 8? AGAIN at age 10? Protecting her, giving her a good life, sacrificing anything I need to is my priority zero. If I believed for a minute this would be better for her, I'd do anything to make it happen. Give up GF. Swallow any amount of pride. Do any amount of work. Forgive anything I needed to. Learn to trust again. Be someone I hated. In a heartbeat.
Yes, I've become the WAS. But W has literally changed nothing. Her ideal endgame here seems to be that she somehow keeps both me and the OM. I'm pretty sure that's been her goal since day one. Vows are broken, tattered, and torn. Lies pile up by the dozen. When when I know the truth, have proof, I get lied to. Even when lying DOESN'T MATTER. Can't actually improve the situation for her. I got her to go through six different iterations of a story in roughly thirty minutes. It got worse each time. I'm about 95% that iteration six is STILL not the whole thing. Whatever else I may be, doing the "right thing" is incredibly important to me. Staying in a marriage I would be miserable in is something I would (I HAVE!) done, for the sake of the vows I made. My WW/WAW/WTF hasn't changed, though. Isn't going to. Has no desire to. I remember when this started, and I asked if she had done anything to try to change how she was feeling, her response was "I don't think I should have to work to be happy." To me, that says everything.
Even when W is crying that she doesn't want to not be my wife anymore, that's not enough to generate ANY kind of positive action. That's why I see no upside. She's SELFISH. She hasn't been a good wife. She's a terrible mother. She hasn't remotely done "her part" in our marriage. I've got my problems, and acknowledge them, and am working on them, but she's done NOTHING more than sit on her ass for two years. I allowed that (I've made noises about her going back to work, etc, but never pressed the issue) and I have to own that, but god, I'm not responsible for all of it! I'm not responsible for her affairs, or her lies, or her complete lack of respect for me or our marriage, or our family, for her lack of self esteem, or for her bad choices. I've also come around to Jeep's point of view, that there's no point sticking around for a cheater.
I got left with EVERY responsibility in our shared lives! ALL OF THEM! I'm dad, AND I'm mom! I'm the breadwinner AND the nurturer! Pay the bills, take care of the pets, take and pickup from school, doctors appointments, take off work for D when she can't go to school. She screams that she isn't going to get enough time with D, but WON'T SHOW UP FOR ANYTHING! I GOT LEFT WITH EVERYTHING! NO HELP! NONE! I can't rely on ANYONE! I HAVE NO FAMILY within 500 miles of here! THIS [censored] IS ALL ON ME! I WANT TO BREAK SOMETIMES, AND I CAN'T! CAN'T! And she sits there on her damned xbox with her fantasy boyfriend as I STILL support her! HOW CAN I POSSIBLY BELIEVE THERE IS ANY UPSIDE HERE? EVER AGAIN? The fact that I don't hate the ground she walks on is a freaking MIRACLE.
Your statement that I've got myself in a trench hits home. I've felt almost exactly that. I agree that I couldn't have messed things up more if I tried. I put myself on a path that I feel like I have to walk (that I'm actually enjoying being on that path isn't material to the fact that I feel constrained to walk it). When I analyze this, I come to the conclusion that it IS the "Right" path, rather than JUST the easy one (my experience says "right" and "easy" are usually NOT friends. Any situation where they seem to be merits extra caution).
My M is gone. It's not coming back. Maybe what I'm doing with GF is too soon. Maybe it won't last. Maybe I'm making another mistake. But dammit, why the hell can't I make mistakes? Everyone else in my life has, for my whole damn life. I've ALWAYS had to be the responsible one. ALWAYS! And I HATE RESPONSIBILITY. I AM being responsible for D. I AM showing her that I've done right by her mother. I will ALWAYS do right by her mother, no matter what it costs me. But trying to "fix" us is NOT doing right! I don't have to THINK I can love her again. I still love that broken, damaged creature she is. That doesn't change the "NO WAY IS THIS A GOOD THING!" mentality I have when it comes to my M!
Past that, why can't I have something nice for once? Why can't I get blindsided and fall in love like a bad movie? I can't reason myself out of this one: the compatibility and chemistry here is through the roof. Someone who DOESN'T NEED ME for once in my life. Someone who DOESN'T CARE what I can give them, or do for them. Someone who encourages me to keep being my own person. That I can talk philosophy with, or books, or art, or about childish things. Make out in a movie theater like teenagers for the first time in my life. Feel PASSION that has NEVER ONCE been part of my life in my four decades. See that passion looking RIGHT BACK AT ME when I look into another set of eyes. Why is this so bad? Why walk away from something good, JUST for someone who doesn't DESERVE the chance, or for a marriage that is already dead??
WHY?
I feel like I AM trying to grow up. Being "single dad" has lit a fire under me in that regard. I don't GET to slack. I don't GET to mess up. I'm not ALLOWED to fail, or fall down in that regard. The "adult" thing to do is always in the front of my mind. And I almost always do it, these days, no matter how much I may not want to.
I am listening to you. I really am. I agree you're right on some of it. I'll even admit to the possibility it's all of it. I don't sit here and try to justify my actions, though. I always look at what I've done, and what I'm doing, and make sure that when all is said and done I'll be able to look in the mirror. I feel guilty sometimes about what I'm doing. I'm not sure if it's because I think I'm doing wrong, or if it's because I feel like this is something too good for me. But guilty or not I can still look in the mirror, and I can still look at my child and feel like i'm a good man. I Don't knwo that you can ask for more than that in life.
But W has literally changed nothing. Her ideal endgame here seems to be that she somehow keeps both me and the OM. I'm pretty sure that's been her goal since day one. Vows are broken, tattered, and torn. Lies pile up by the dozen. When when I know the truth, have proof, I get lied to. Even when lying DOESN'T MATTER. Can't actually improve the situation for her. I got her to go through six different iterations of a story in roughly thirty minutes. It got worse each time. I'm about 95% that iteration six is STILL not the whole thing. Whatever else I may be, doing the "right thing" is incredibly important to me. Staying in a marriage I would be miserable in is something I would (I HAVE!) done, for the sake of the vows I made. My WW/WAW/WTF hasn't changed, though. Isn't going to. Has no desire to. I remember when this started, and I asked if she had done anything to try to change how she was feeling, her response was "I don't think I should have to work to be happy." To me, that says everything. 
