Picking up D is turning into the most stressful part of my week. Instead of five minutes it turns into a couple of hours where W and I spew at each other a little bit and then cry (not in front of D).
W and I agreed to pretty much complete NC at this point, unless D emergency, as a means to avoid both of us going crazy. Maybe the space will help.
Space will deff. help. And remember, it takes 2 to tango. Don't engage her in any way shape or form. Don't let her push your buttons, she clearly know how to...
Just wondering why there is still so much emotion wrapped up in this when you are involved with someone else. Why are you engaging? Mine is on OW2. He shows up here, picks up the kids or stays here with them. No discussion about anything. No drama. Decouple the R discussions from the pickups/dropoffs.
I'm really poor at staying detached. I've made it a few times, but eventually something draws me in and I'm stuck in the tar again. Still caring isn't helping things.
Instead of five minutes it turns into a couple of hours where W and I spew at each other a little bit and then cry (not in front of D).
What are YOU going to do to change this pattern?
Also, have you told GF about these sessions? Curious what her opinion is. (Note: if the person I was seeing was wrapped up in this kind of emotional discussion with the person they are still married to...I would be extremely uncomfortable).
My plan is to keep working on detachment. Haven't heard from W in three days. It's helping. When I'm detached (for however short a time) I can see the truth: there are literally no upsides to a life with W. None. That makes my heart shut the hell up and allow my head to run the show. Even when I'm attached, I know it won't make ME happy (and the sad truth is that it wouldn't make W or D happy, either).
Yes, I've told GF. How could I not? I'm not a liar, I'm not going to live a double life, and I'm not going to hide things. GF knows exactly where I stand on everything. Yes, this makes her uncomfortable (on multiple levels. Scared that I will end up hurting her and going back to W. Also, I actually have been told that if she's ever the only reason I don't want to fix my M, that I need to go fix my M. Religious issue for her).
Still hanging in there. Six weeks until Divorce is final.
So I just got done reading your three threads from start to finish. I know I've seen posts here and there in the past but wanted to get a better read before I commented.
Since you already admit you won't follow advice, even when you know you should, I'm not sure why I'm taking the time to bother. If nothing else, maybe I'll help another reader. It would be great if you can even take one thing from me and improve on it.
You seem very honest and don't at all sound like a guy who wants to hurt anyone. You are not mean or cruel by any means. You do scream of impulsiveness and immaturity. You want what you want at the moment and can't stop yourself even when you know you should. You want to control everything and think you actually can. You know best, your way is the correct way - therefore you won't listen to anyone else.
First off you are not "in love" with this new girl. Oh you think you are but you are not. This is so classic, text book easy stuff any first year student could see it. You want to speak in absolutes and can't even see there is a potential you are wrong. You say things like "there are litterly no upsides to a life with W. None" really? Cmon, really? How about D having both of her parents? That's not an upside? What about honoring your commitment to your vows? That's not an upside? See you know darn well, if you think about it, there could be upsides - you just don't want to see them because you are "in love" with this new perfect person who you could not find a bad thing about if you tried.
When you read that as I have written it, do you see how immature and impulsive you sound? You have put yourself in such a trench that I'm not sure you could do worse if you tried. I'm sorry for the steal beam as my comments are way beyond a 2X4 but you are making some huge mistakes here. Others are trying to tell you, but you don't even want to consider it. Ginger gave you some deep, heart felt expierence she just went through. She can see now what she could not when she was in the thick of it. You are not thinking clearly. True love does not happen like it does "in the movies" - that's why they are movies - fictitious Hollywood. It's not real life.
So what then should you be doing? Well pretty much any C worth their salt would say STOP this with this new GF right now. In fact you can't find any fault in her, well I'll give you a red flag here, she should not be dating a married man. She even knows it, yet is doing it. RED FLAG. Plus, don't hurt her by dragging her into all of this. If you really do love her as you think and claim, you would not do this to her. If this is meant to be with you two, it will still be there several months from now after you D. Until them you should not be doing this with and to her.
Second, you are not done with W - that is clear. You have now turned into the WAS - it is now you walking away. Should you and W be together? Well you already made that commitment did you not? You agreed to stand beside her in good and bad. So now the bad is here and you turn to another person. I know you THINK you can never love her again but you can. Will you? Who knows. All I know is you are still connected to her. When you don't care what she does, don't think about her, don't argue with her, don't engage, then and only then will you really be done.
I hope you'll hear me on at least a few of these things. I think deep down you know I'm right. It's just easier to take the path you have put yourself on in your Hollywood romance fairytail. It really is time to grow up and slow down. Be the man that D6 will look up to years from now because you did the right thing with her mom - regardless if the two of you D or not.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
You seem very honest and don't at all sound like a guy who wants to hurt anyone. You are not mean or cruel by any means. You do scream of impulsiveness and immaturity. You want what you want at the moment and can't stop yourself even when you know you should. You want to control everything and think you actually can. You know best, your way is the correct way - therefore you won't listen to anyone else.
I needed to quote this and respond to this because I am sort of the same way. My impulse control needs to be better. So thanks for saying that (not to me, but I am trying to control my impulse that I want everything fixed now, or if not fixed, that we are working on things together, we seemed sort of to do that last week but OM was there and I wasn't just happy with an inch.
