Well anniversary went off ok. We gave cards to each other I told her in it I hope in the future when this date comes up she can look back and remember some happy memories. She sent me a text about the things we had see below for total text
You are the love of my life I loved when you looked at me I loved when you'd kiss my neck I loved when you'd pick me up I loved when you whispered in my ear I loved your soft lips I love that you gave me 2 babies I loved your thoughtfulness I loved our time together I loved your hard work and dedication I love you as a father I love you as a friend You've made me a stronger person You've made me a smarter person
So I know I shouldn't take it as any sign of anything but it was nice to hear. She also said she would like to spend sometime together. And I agreed that it would be fun. I have no real hope that it means anything. But I am going to go out with her and spend time with the person who was my best friend. My ideas for hanging out are just to go have fun no sex or talk about our relationship just catch up with her and talk no expectations on my part. Also I have tried hard not to talk about the past present or future with her in regards to our relationship. I am really making a stride in that. It may seem strange but talking with her and texting has started to make me see myself in a better light and not stress so much about the situation. I think because I am starting to realize life goes on. And she can still be my friend even tho we are no longer together.
Also we talk and laugh and I enjoy it. Is this a bad thing. I know she is probably cake eating and maybe I am too. I have started to gal I am going to the gym and spending time with my family. It's crazy I grew up in a house that went to church but as I got older I stopped going and didn't really pray and talk to God but I have been praying a lot lately and it has really started to calm my heart and head. Thinking about trying to find a good church in my area so I can spend some quality time with people who love and support one another. So I guess I am just rambling any advice from you wonderful folks would be great. Thank you
I have decided for myself to follow my gut. See what is working in getting her to want to spend time with me and look at her actions not just her words. It's incredibly hard but anytime I try to do more from my side it ends up feeling like we rush things and she feels cornered. In my case I suspect depression plays a role which further complicates it. BUT I do think based on how you feel about W you should be able to tell if she is serious or not. But maybe I am fooling myself.
It is also important to recognize what YOU did wrong and need to change. So I have decided to in my interactions with her to show her a side I didn't show but one she wants. The hard part is not doing more or expecting a reaction.
Well it seemed to be going better last week after I discovered the OM and we hung out a lot more. She treated me better. She was more honest. She spoke more about the future BUT she also still talked to OM since she feels he didn't ask for any of this (I disagree but didn't tell her that..even if she told him we were separated she was still married and living in the same house). But she is scared as there were of course real issues that I need to work on. I showed a better side of me for the past month but of course had a weak moment two days ago. So it probably didn't go well... When I realized that she still mentioned depression and not knowing what to feel I decided I need to be there for her to help her address that but NOT as her H but as her friend. It also made me realize I need to be authentic I cannot just tell her I am fine and okay with everything when I am not.
But the reason I say trust your gut is because of something Michele wrote in her book as well: monitor results. And of course every situation is different. But I may be in denial.
Word for word that is my situation. We were going great hanging out having fun talking and she even said I think I'm falling back in love with you. So from here on out I'm going to be a friend not a husband. I can't fix this but I can grow and show her I still care about her
I can't worry about the past only wake up and do good in the day I have. I am struggling because I really do enjoy the time we spend together and I think I will enjoy it even more when I am not stressing about the whole thing. Just going to enjoy the moment and treat her not with love or affection but with kindness and a smile.
So for a crazy update for my situation. Wife and I talked last night for about two hours. She said this was the biggest mistake of her life and she wants us to try and be a couple again. I know this is quick for a situation like this but what should I do. We obviously have a lot of things to work thru. But is this a good sign. I will be honest I have looked thru her phone once since I found out that she cheated on me. And I know that doesn't mean because I didn't see it in her phone doesn't mean she hasn't contacted him. But she has said after I confronted her she hasn't had contact with him. So just some advice would be great guys
Take some time... Take a lot of time, she's got a place of her own, you've gotten rid of the family home, everything is set to take the time you need to let the world stop spinning so you can see clearly. Who are you, what do you want, right now it's changing everyday (go back and read your posts), it's going to take time to get past the A, it's going to take time to see how she "acts" with other man/men.
You said she doesn't think having the A was a big deal... That should be a deal breaker for you (don't tell her that)... She needs to understand it's completely wrong (yes, you were too), if you were to get back together now it will tear you apart, and likely ruin any chance you may have at piecing. You will need her say, on her own, how horrible she feels for doing it.
My recommendation, tell her you don't know what you want right now, stop going on dates or communicating with her (other than child stuff)... Maybe, at most, go places with D as a family every 2 or 3 weeks, but when D is with her, do your own thing and find yourself.
Don't have sex with her again until you really know what you want, and I would recommend she get tested for STDs before that happens.
A healthy, long lasting M isn't going to be easy to get back to, emotions are going to go very high and very low for the next few months to a year, although the swings will become less drastic. Don't rush the decision of getting back together, it's going to take time to "see" if she's willing to put the hard work and commitment to do it.
If she really wants to save the M, she will wait a few months and do the right things on her own. If she keeps seeing other guys or decides she won't wait that long, then the M would be doomed, just extending the pain.
Just SLOW everything down right now, take your space...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
