LiM: One Year into Piecing

[LiM]

Your wife is not sympathizing enough with the pain she has caused you and the damage she has done to the M. You're shouldering too much of that alone and it'll slowly kill you. She needs to step up but when you gently try to tell her that she gets mad because she doesn't want to accept what she's done. Was she a spoiled daddy's girl? It seems like it. They can do no wrong.

My question is are you happy right now? Are you happy with how this is all going?

No, she's not a spoiled Daddy's girl but I do agree that she isn't doing as much as she could be doing. The issue here I think is confusion over healthy boundaries. In most of our relationship, I (inappropriately) expected her to be responsible for my happiness. I expected her to be responsible for making things ok in our relationship. I didn't do my part. That has all changed now. I see the error of my ways and will not be that person anymore. I know that I am responsible for MY happiness. Its not her job to carry me through life. BUT, she resists being as responsible to me for the A as much as she should be. She IS responsible for helping me heal from that but she's afraid of going back to the old ways of her becoming responsible for things that are not her responsibility. I've tried to explain that I'm not asking for her to take on more than is right in this situation. This coupled with the fact that she still pines for OM, at least on some level, is what keeps us from truly moving beyond this.

Am I happy with ME? Yes, I am in such a better place personally that I was before all of this. I am in control of my happiness, I don't place burdens on myself that are not mine to carry and I am present and loving for my family.
Amy I happy with my M? No. Its not where I want it to be. I'm working hard to do my part in all of this. I'm trying to be patient while she works through her issues. Its clear to me that we are not on the same healing schedule. There is still a LOT of work that she needs to do on herself. I can choose to be patient and supportive if I feel that she is still moving forward or I can decide that she's never going to get it and its just better if I move on.