Ever since we met she has dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts. She had some medication but after two years when we left the state we met in she stopped having access to them. My flaws have probably escalated conflicts because it always came out of it nothing and so many times she said she just wanted to kill herself and that she is no good and how she shouldn't be alive. I told her she needs to see someone but never pushed it. It seemed we would always heal. But of course because my flaws she kept perhaps being dragged into this state. Ever since she became more serious with OM she has become even more erratic and she has become even more scared when I even seem to fall back into old patterns which as I wrote happened the other day.

But she IS depressed and her behavior is erratic. I sort of joked about that the other day without using the term erratic but she got so angry. But now she is just sitting there in tears not knowing what to do. I asked her what she loves about herself and she said she couldn't even think of anything.

So my HUGE mistake the other day was letting on that I was hurt by her actions even though we were spending a bit more time together. And of course the way she describes OM is text book what happens when you're depressed. I don't know if the depression was because of me but like I said it has been there from the start. Now maybe it became more heinous to her because she feels trapped and isolated.

I no longer want to work on our relationship before she addresses her depression with some serious help. If it means when she does that she realizes we should have never become serious so be it. I want her to feel better.

She is exhausted. She was going to hang out with OM based on what she said on Sunday which I guess made me a little weak and I addressed erratic behavior because she was still feeling sick. But I was shocked when she just went to her bedroom (I hate saying that, but I have to treat it as if we are not married) and was just sad.

I know with depression people sometimes need to hit rock bottom but I am worried that if she moves out she is going to do something crazy. I know I cannot stop that. But it seems she needs help.

This morning I went to her bedroom and I hugged her before she woke up. She said what's up in a friendly tone and I said I just wanted to hug her before I started the day because it seems she is in a dark place (she said uh huh) and that she is good enough and that I hope she doesn't let the darkness destroy the beautiful person inside of her. She said okay almost relieved.

So yeah what I have is a jackpot of marital challenges: my skills were lacking, she deals with depression (unmedicated and undiagnosed right now) and it got so far that she sought out first an EA and later a PA. I was following the rules and we got a little closer I was happy to take it slow but then I uncovered the affair, we became closer at a more rapid rate and of course she kept making erratic choices which instead of me realizing wait maybe she IS depressed (something I felt from the start a month ago) based on her actions and instead I passive aggressively made a comment. Now she moved from opening up to closing down again. But my plan is to GAL, detach but also do random acts of kindness to help the depression. I am doing that as her friend. It hurts. But there is no second marriage with her unless the depression is addressed. It will only collapse again down the road because marriage is never perfect.