LiM: One Year into Piecing

[25yearsmlc]

LIM

Though I reacted to what you said, I also (mistakenly) thought this was Trees' thread.

Sorry.

[Trees00]

Yes, I'm trying to focus on myself and what -I- can change, plus trying to convince my mind that I'm not responsible for what he's done. He made those choices. I can only be the best -I- can be.

[Trees00]

Good luck to your piecing LiM!

[LiM]

Hi Friends,

I need some help.
My W and i have been piecing for just over a year. We’ve had our bumps in the road but for the most part, I think it has gone well. We go to MC and both have IC. I’ve worked hard to really change the person I was in the past and I am proud of the person I have become. I’m not perfect. Never will be. But I have a desire to continually work to to improve myself.

For most of the past year, I’ve not felt that my W was doing as much as she needed to do. Admittedly, I took her back too quickly and too easily. I feel that she has been doing the work but something has just been off and I’ve not quite been able to put my finger on it. If I had to guess, its that my W still has feelings for OM. But I don't have to guess today because I did some snooping (I know, I know) and it confirms my suspicions.

Last week, my W went to a track at a middle school close to our house, with one of our daughters, to do a track work out. In looking at some text messages, I discovered that OM had been there too. There was no interaction but my W did text a couple of friend to tell them about the encounter. She basically said, there was a really hot guy there that was also running. And it was “you know who.”
To my knowledge, she’s only had one other accidental encounter with OM and she told me about it. She did not tell me about this one.

I can understand why a WW would still have feelings for OM. I know its normal to go through withdrawals. But still, a year later? And if you are still struggling with those emotions, and if that were still normal, why would you be telling other people about it? What does that say about you when you are supposed to be working on repairing your R? To me, it means she’s not really working on it as much as she should.

I continually work on trying to be kind and loving. I look for opportunities for us to spend time together and rebuild trust and intimacy. But I always feel that there is a wall between us. That wall is feelings for OM. And I don't know what I should be doing now. I readily admit that suffer from separation anxiety. This is NEW to me. I’ve never in our entire history been that way. And yet I am now. Am I smothering her? If so, I don't know what to do about it. I do feel very needy. I feel like I am not whole or complete unless I am with her and doing something loving or fun. Do I have some codependency running amuck? I love her so much and I thought we were working hard at building a better M. But OM is still in the middle of it. How do I deal with this? I just don't know what to do.

[mvgfwd2]

So do you really love her after all this or are you just afraid of being without someone, or feeling like you failed? Obviously, you don't trust and also obvious for good reason. You know she doesn't respect you. Largely because you haven't took a solid stand on this kind of garbage. You tried to not make waves about all the after the fact contact with OM and OM's W. Tried being the bigger man and it got you right back to where you were.

So, just one question. Are you ready yet to grow a pair?

[LiM]

I do still lover her very much.
Do I NEED her? No. I know I can move on with my life and be just fine without her.
Do I WANT her? Do I want to build a new M that is much better than what we had before? Yes. Without a doubt.

There was no contact with OM after the A ended. The problem was with OM's W. And I put an end to that by threatening her with a restraining order.

One of my biggest 180's was to not be controlling. My W felt very suffocated in our M. She felt she didn't have a say. I was so out of control in my life (stress, anxiety, lack of boundaries) that she couldn't be her real self. So I worked real hard to not be controlling. I never even demanded that she stop the A. If it were to stop, I wanted it to be because she chose.

I can't force my W to not have feelings of OM. She's got to want to see him for what he truly is; a coward who walked out on his family. I can't put my put down and force her to stop idolizing him. I do believe this has been the invisible wall between us over the past year. This has been the thing that I couldn't put my finger on.

After doing a lot of thinking and soul searching since yesterday, I guess that answer is to treat my W as if she is having a (one sided) EA. She clearly still has feelings for him even though there has been no contact between them. I've got to detach, start doing more GAL and be less available to her.

Since last month, we have been having weekly talks where I could ask questions about the A that I did not know the answers too (there are many things I never got around to asking about). I've decided that we will stop having R talks. I've canceled our talk for tonight and instead plan to go do a swim workout with the Masters group I used to swim with. Just since yesterday, I've detached significantly and it hasn't been missed. I can see my W with a WTF!? look on her face. I will not pursue.

We have a trip planned to Germany in a couple of weeks. This is something I've wanted to do for many years. If we end up having a conversation about her continued feelings for OM or the text messages she sent regarding that, then I think our trip could be in jeopardy. I could be looking at having to make that trip by myself. That would be a real tragedy but I would go by myself if needed.

[doodler]

We have a trip planned to Germany in a couple of weeks. This is something I've wanted to do for many years. If we end up having a conversation about her continued feelings for OM or the text messages she sent regarding that, then I think our trip could be in jeopardy. I could be looking at having to make that trip by myself. That would be a real tragedy but I would go by myself if needed.

LiM,

My opinion, for what it's worth, is that it's smart to remain status quo for the next couple of weeks so that you don't jeopardize your trip to Germany. The trip may be a good litmus test that will allow you to decide what you want from your wife and marriage. Sometimes a change in venue can make a world of difference.

[TxHubby]

Good luck man. You're where I was. It kept going about like you describe for a few years and now I've decided to bail. I'm so much happier.

Your wife is not sympathizing enough with the pain she has caused you and the damage she has done to the M. You're shouldering too much of that alone and it'll slowly kill you. She needs to step up but when you gently try to tell her that she gets mad because she doesn't want to accept what she's done. Was she a spoiled daddy's girl? It seems like it. They can do no wrong.

I wish you the best with whatever you decide in the long run. My question is are you happy right now? Are you happy with how this is all going?

[LiM]

Thanks Doodler,

I don't necessarily disagree with that. This will be the first time in the past year that we've had any prolonged alone time together. There has been a single night here or there but we've not been able to really get away together and just enjoy ourselves. I want this trip to be a time for us to really reconnect, for her to be out of her normal daily grind and to have nothing to focus on but me. She will have the opportunity to see and experience all the changes I've made without being interrupted by kids, working out, Facebook, etc. My hope was that she would really SEE me for what I am: someone that loves her, forgives her and wants to build something great with her.

What I do know though is that she won't be able to see any of that if she's still basically having a one sided EA. We know our spouses are blind to us when they are in a fog. But I also know that when I get alone time with my W, we have a wonderful time. She does relax and allow herself to vulnerable and intimate. When we have these times together, the feeling that OM is between us goes away. I do feel us reconnecting. Its afterwards that I feel her pulling away again and a wall coming back up between us. I've thought for a while that this trip is going to be very telling about the future of our R one way or the other. It will either pull us closer together or I could possibly see that it just isn't going to work.

[Ginger1]

What exactly makes you think she still has feelings for him?

Because she saw OM and texted her friends that the "hot guy" was the OM?

If time seeing him since, I am sure some feelings went through her but they could very well be fleeting.

I think about when I saw my ex BF after about 6-7months at a party. He told the friend about how I looked wonderful and it was nice to see me. He was dating someone else at the time too. Doesn't mean we had feelings for each other.

All I am saying is, I don't think I have ever seen an exBF and felt "nothing". (I see my exH and I feel nothing, but then again, I see him enough because we share a daughter). Sometimes some memories flow back in with an ex, but like I said, they are fleeting.

I am sure it is very hard because this woman is your wife and the ex BF was her AP. But to her, it was her BF.

So, my hope for you is that there is no real EA type feelings and you have a wonderful time in Germany. Our intern from work just got back from a semester there and said it was awesome.