LiM: One Year into Piecing

[LiM]

I do still lover her very much.
Do I NEED her? No. I know I can move on with my life and be just fine without her.
Do I WANT her? Do I want to build a new M that is much better than what we had before? Yes. Without a doubt.

There was no contact with OM after the A ended. The problem was with OM's W. And I put an end to that by threatening her with a restraining order.

One of my biggest 180's was to not be controlling. My W felt very suffocated in our M. She felt she didn't have a say. I was so out of control in my life (stress, anxiety, lack of boundaries) that she couldn't be her real self. So I worked real hard to not be controlling. I never even demanded that she stop the A. If it were to stop, I wanted it to be because she chose.

I can't force my W to not have feelings of OM. She's got to want to see him for what he truly is; a coward who walked out on his family. I can't put my put down and force her to stop idolizing him. I do believe this has been the invisible wall between us over the past year. This has been the thing that I couldn't put my finger on.

After doing a lot of thinking and soul searching since yesterday, I guess that answer is to treat my W as if she is having a (one sided) EA. She clearly still has feelings for him even though there has been no contact between them. I've got to detach, start doing more GAL and be less available to her.

Since last month, we have been having weekly talks where I could ask questions about the A that I did not know the answers too (there are many things I never got around to asking about). I've decided that we will stop having R talks. I've canceled our talk for tonight and instead plan to go do a swim workout with the Masters group I used to swim with. Just since yesterday, I've detached significantly and it hasn't been missed. I can see my W with a WTF!? look on her face. I will not pursue.

We have a trip planned to Germany in a couple of weeks. This is something I've wanted to do for many years. If we end up having a conversation about her continued feelings for OM or the text messages she sent regarding that, then I think our trip could be in jeopardy. I could be looking at having to make that trip by myself. That would be a real tragedy but I would go by myself if needed.