A major question I keep having is IF meeting OM in person sealed the deal for my wife or if she really didn't want to start anything new before actually wanting to leave.
Based on our conversations it appears that after we had a major fight she turned a switch (the fight was about how I felt she was bullying me and being mean to me.) I drove off angrily and she went to eat dinner alone. Two days later she said she needs time for herself and is going out. Because I would always contact her and I wanted to respect her space I didn't contact her. Turns out they went to meet in person and according to W she wanted to see that by seeing him all feelings would disappear. Instead she got curious. She said he was doing all the things I seemed to not care for: paying attention to her, asking how she is doing. During a recent trip she thought I didn't miss her because I didn't ask how she was doing. In fact I was missing her but for some reason I just never told her that. Before the trip she wanted to have sex and I was tired and worried it wouldn't "function" and I didn't want her to be upset about that when I would be gone for over half a week. I wonder if that moment sealed the deal for her.
When she left a week later at 11pm and didn't come back until 3am right when we needed to go somewhere at 7am and then drive for a concert it turns out she went to a hotel with him. She got colder towards me and didn't want to do anything with me. When she encouraged me to go on a trip it turns out she invited him over and they had sex in our home. She wanted him to come over other days but his schedule wouldn't allow it. She described me returning as making her sick in her stomach (text I saw between them). Last week she said for the first time thinking about the future with me isn't making her sick anymore...but she isn't quite there. She is worried I fall back (and that's why my behavior yesterday was so dumb when I should have just been happy with the progress...but reading the threads on here about how to do things different when there is cheating involved I got conflicted). But when I got back from the second trip she was acting very depressed and emotional and needed my affection. We had sex the day before I found out. She said it shows how she was getting back to thinking about me...but yesterday she also said she feels guilty towards OM how she dragged him into this and that how the last time they had sex she didn't feel it would be the last time and how there would be many more to come. Between saying those things she also mentions seeing a possible future with me and seeing him just as a friend. So it's all so conflicting...That's when I lost my cool and patience. Healing after an affair is already tough...but when it's still ongoing...at least emotionally?
After I found out we have been closer than maybe ever...but obviously I can get impatient (and that is where everyone on here talks about don't call victory too soon). But she keeps telling me that we had problems long before she had an affair (that she doesn't consider an affair because she said she wanted to separate). I acknowledge that and I forgive her for what happened but that it's the current phase that is painful and challenging for me. That I am trusting her. Yet I know she isn't completely over this OM. Nothing sexual has happened (mostly because his schedule I think...) since I found out.
So maybe she is right and she should move out while we figure things out. But it makes me worried I would even have less of a chance of controlling my emotions (and perhaps that is why she does need to move out so I can work on that). But she has liked seeing me lately she said. It makes her feel like there is a future possible. But I know I cannot believe everything she says, yet her actions do back some of that up.
It almost seems that she has more of a struggle forgiving herself for how she made me feel. And she feels guilty towards OM. That will take time. Only a week ago she was disgusted by the feeling of being with me. She CLAIMS she is over it but maybe she has never stopped feeling that way. God, we need a counselor...
My plan is to get back to my approach of GAL and not spending time with her whenever she wants to. To give her space. She did say she feels she has to explain what she does and says with OM and that I seem focused on her phone buzzing with texts. And that she hasn't had time for herself to rest and focused on making sure me and OM are okay. Until she says something more concrete about what she did wrong it's not my place to get her to that point. I can only show her my changes and focus on what I need to do.
(But I cannot stop thinking that I kind wish OM would just stop reaching out to her. My W. doesn't make friends easily and so I do feel guilty about wanting her to stop spending so much time with him. And of course she sees through me since I say it's okay that she spends time with him. And as friends I am totally fine with it...but anything potentially sexual? Not until we have worked on us...if polyamory is a possibility that is something for later...)
