- impulsive reactions. When she was talking about OM. I said it sounds like I am your gay best friend and laughed. She felt it was passive aggressive. I moved beyond just being focused on what I need to do and said how I am also trying not to get hurt again. And it kind of went from there. She was almost immediately explosive and angry and I stayed calm but I should have just let it go. Instead I tried to explain what I said...I even brought up how something she did years ago hurt me and that wasn't the time.
- expecting her to reconnect with me even though she kept telling me "I can see being friends with OM if we got back together", "I think we are in a good place and I am for the first time in a while thinking about that maybe it can be worked out". Instead one of the things she said: I should have known this would happen and that the honeymoon phase from last week would be short lived.
- ignoring that to address problems with us we need a counselor which she was willing to do. Instead, I got greedy and tried to push it. But I also was having a hard time staying calm with her lack of apologizing for what she did. She feels justified and I can understand why she felt that way due to what I did but it still hurts. But truth is if I would have LISTENED to her I would have heard regret and remorse and her just trying to be a good friend to this guy. (although there is this nagging voice in my head that due to his unreliable work schedule and the fact they can only hang out later at night that this is why she isn't with him more...but that is NOT what I need to focus on.)
Later that evening we did hung out, after she said she needed to be alone it was her who reached out with a (harmless topic) text and this morning she gave me a hug but I can see she is putting walls back up. But I take the hug as her either playing with me OR realizing that I am hurt too and I am giving it a sincere effort.
I just need to keep working on myself and my impulsivity is a MAJOR turn off but the OM is mostly causing that. I can have all the patience but I am also worried because she said how the last time she had sex with OM that she didn't think it would be the last time but one of many more to come. So she is trying to not hurt either one of us.
I hope I am not back at square one but I knew this would take time. It was just nice hearing her warm up to me which she hadn't really done in a few years consistently, laughing with her, doing fun things with her, yes I desire her sexually but I haven't really pushed that either although I did compliment her since that is one of the 180s I need to do. But I need to remain calm when I know she is doing something else.
I tell her I forgive her for what happened but I need to not push her apologizing to me and more importantly forgiving ME. I desperately need that and it is making me weak and not confident. And that makes me less attractive.
