180man Thread 4

[180Man]

Wow, thanks for the responses. Not sure where to start...

25, I completely understand the issue of text not always transferring the proper meaning, I was never upset or defensive or trying to pull out some secret meaning from what you were writing. I simply read what you write and you do a good job of making me think and self-evaluate. In this particular case, I was wondering earlier many, if not all, of the same things you wrote about above.

Is it just a distraction? Have I rushed into something, even if it isn't much of anything, too soon? Why have I decided to get to know another military woman? I don't want to hurt her or drag her into my crap, how do I avoid that? Have I stopped working on myself as much as I need to? How long is long enough to work on yourself? How long should I allow myself to wallow in pain over my wife? I have all of these questions and more.

I have answers for some of them. Decent ones, I think. Some of them I don't have answers to. In the end, I don't know if it matters if I have these answers or not. If I am enjoying life again, does it matter? I have done a lot of work on me. A lot. It may have only been since November that all of this crap happened, but I have been ALONE for over a year now. W has been gone a lot. I couldn't tell you the last time I had sex. Maybe last summer? But the connection, the relationship with another human...that's more important to me than sex. Sex can be had anywhere with anyone. Not to downplay its importance in a relationship or suggest I don't love it just as much as the next guy...but you only get to connect on a deep level in that way with so many people in life. I miss that.

So...why JAG? Well, I know I don't want to waste my time on a floozy. I know that it's important to me to be with someone who has life experience. Like...real life experience, having to deal with adult responsibilities. Having a real job. Not some girl who went to college because mom and dad forced her to and now she's lead sales associate at GAP. I mean, that works for some people. But I want a woman who has an opinion. I want a woman who will tell me when I've [censored] up. Someone who has a real career. I could go on. But I also find that I have quite a bit in common with JAG outside of the military stuff. And in our branch, she tells me that in her 20 years she'll be lucky to deploy once, maybe twice. Well, good news is she already got an 8 month deployment out of the way before we met. Other good news is I'm applying in the spring for a particular program that, were I accepted, I wouldn't deploy again for any significant amount of time (would be way easier to explain this stuff in person).

Not that I am anywhere near looking at long term with this girl. I'm not NOT looking at long term. If it goes anywhere, I don't have some artificial stop in place where I dump her. I'm not that type of person. And as attractive as she is, I don't see her as a "piece of ass." She's someone I want to get to know and I'm trying hard not to be in a rush to do it. I'm trying hard to be very deliberate and slow about it.

If I were never married and never had this terrible divorce experience, would I still be as excited about JAG as I have been? I think so. I felt the same way when I first started dating past girlfriends. I'm not good at playing it cool. I do put a lot of stock in my relationships. I am a romantic.

I don't need anyone in my life right now. Or ever, really. It's honestly a lot simpler. But wants and needs are two different things.

Maybe I'm just telling myself all of these things to self-justify. I don't know. I could sit here and do my normal routine of over-analyzing it all...I could sit here in self-pity and think about my wife. I could sit here and cry and miss her. But...maybe it's okay that I'm just happy, even if it's only for a little while. Even if it's only during a cup of coffee with a girl I don't really know. Does it matter if I assign a label to all of these problems and issues I have? Does it matter if I want one month for every year I've been married before dating or whatever? Will it make me feel better if I follow all of this arbitrary shít?

Or can it be enough that I'm actually happy for the time being? I struggle with these questions but I want to say yes. Yes, it's okay to be happy for a little while. Yes I had my faults in my marriage, but I have learned so much these past six or seven months. When will enough be enough?

My hope is now. My hope is that JAG texts me back and we solidify our bowling plans. My hope is that I can get to know her at a nice slow and steady pace. My hope is that I can just be myself with her and that we might keep each other company in the coming weeks or longer. I will always love my wife. Shít, I still have a love for old girlfriends. Not unhealthy love, just the kind that still cares that they are happy and find their way.

I feel I am past the worst of it. I am past the worst of the inner and outer turmoil. I am still signed up for that personal development workshop, by the way, but I feel okay right now. I wonder if I am ready to dig deep again like I have in recent months. It will be painful, I'm sure.



So, I guess the real question is....am I happy?

I am much happier than I was. Not that it could have gotten much worse, but there's always a way! Have I reached peak happiness? No. But I'm still self-aware and trying to be cognizant of my own personal growth.