If life gives you lemon....do lemonade

[Lana_71]

Lana, immediately after I saw this I wrote a long post which disappeared in the vapors. Keep in mind that these are my thoughts and you ultimately have to decide what is best for you and the girls. Also, I'm going to pose some questions to you. They are meant to be something for you to think about if you do talk to him.
Hello Ownit thank you for your note. it was in the right place I think.




I see conflict here. Are you really done? Do you really want a D? If not, I would not risk "stirring the pot." I always warn my clients about the danger of bluffing. Never threaten something you do not intend to follow through with. If you are ready for D then you won't worry about him taking offense to anything you ask.
honestly speaking I don't know. on one hand I want to move ahead with my life in another I am scarred of the future and of starting again. thinking what if he is saying the truth. what if he is really depressed. what if I cut the last hopes he have with his old life and kids. whenever we used to have arguments he said he already have nothing, no family, no wife, no money, so compared to me I am in a better place than him. or at least that is how he sees it.
Back to those questions, again for your thoughts.

1. You don't ask if there is or has been another woman. Does that matter to you? Would it make a difference in your plans. Do you think he would be truthful about it?
yes now it does. if there is someone I don't want to continue standing up for my marriage no more. If I knew there is someone I will force divorce now. I am only standing up now in case he is depressed or need a friend otherwise I am done. he claims he is only concentrating on work. when I saw him last year I did not see any signs of anyone. and he never introduced anyone new to his family.
would he be truthful , I don't know but if in love he would like to get rid of me and the kids some how I guess

2. I would most want to know what his intentions are with respect to the girls. As I understand it, he pays nothing for them and hasn't seen them in a long while. Golf is an expensive hobby. It is hard to win tournaments if you aren't practicing. Why would that money not be better spent on the care of his children. What are his plans with respect to visitation? Has he considered the impact his absence without explanation is having on them?
At the moment I don't know he talks to them a bit then ignores them and wait until they contact him. in the past I know he always was generous with them and if he had the money would spend on them. He was never a stingy person. he is not also sending money to his mom for last 3 years too something he used to do when we were married as she need extra support. as for Golf he could be invited by his company or some business partners and tournament can be just a local one. he has around 1Million dollar in debt to the bank I suppose. when he becomes rich I know he will throw money on his kids cause the thinks money will solve everything and me and his mom only needs money from him. and no one cares about him.
3.
Is there truly no benefit to you either way for a divorce. If he pays you nothing, he offers no help, he won't even respond to your request to call (which only under threat did he respond to with a TEXT), what is there to hold onto? Is it the belief that he may come back a reformed man? I think you have an idea where that is likely to turn out.
yes it is the belief he may come back. it is the scare if he is in a very bad place, it is the disappointment in the kids eyes. it is a dream of maybe.

4. What would you gain in a divorce? Would it help you let go? Would it give you peace of mind? Are there religious or moral imperatives for you?
financially nothing at the moment. I feel the main issue I currently have is not able to explain my status to anyone. so am I married, am I divorced, am I separated. when is your husband coming, when will the kids see him. All of these make me feel bad. I wish we can talk and figure things out. I just want a closure either he wants a family or not. nothing more. if not I want to get out of his way and go through mine. It is like leaving no stone unturned.

Have you done 25's mental exercise of imagining that he died a year ago and wondering where you would like to be now? If you are in the same place, there is probably no harm in hanging around. If not, then you need to consider the divorce, or at a minimum what you are doing for yourself right now.
I have not done the exercise but work looking into it. I am doing what I want now. maybe not focusing much on my career but on having some money from jobs enough for me and the kids to have our needs and wants while ensuring I am able to give them the stability and support they deserve. seeking a full time career at the moment might compromise the quality time I have with them and i really enjoy what i have. on the other hand i am happy i am able to support my mom at the moment and my kids living with her and learning great habits from her. My mom although sad for my status says that maybe God brought me back for her only


I think every day now about what I can do to move this thing to fruition. I want to be done. I hate limbo. My L says do nothing (but keep in mind that mine is paying me substantially more than the amount we have tentatively agreed on). Have you talked to a lawyer? Have you considered what is best for you from an emotional and financial position.
what can you get from someone who does not have anything? maybe later if he become rich then I know he will be sending money. but not now. we live in two separate countries and we are from different nationalities/cultures. I am not going to fight for money . It will be too costly. if he want to pay he is welcomed otherwise cant run after him as I know it is fruitless and will cause more damage for the relationship with the kids.

Just some thoughts that occurred to me from your post. Know that I am pulling for you whatever you decide.
Thank you it was great thinking about your questions