Perhaps it's time for a new summary before I dive into thread 5? Personally, I get overwhelmed by the length of some threads here and completely lose track. That, and I think you will see that my summary today has a different tone than when I first came here. So I am going to try and keep it short and brief for you. Then I would like to address some of the posters that I didn't get to yet on my last thread :-)
My name is Bluwave, however I sign my name "Blu." Why? Mostly I like the sound of it and it's easier to remember. Some posters' names are a cluster of numbers and letters, and I cannot recall who is who. Also, I love, love, love water and the ocean especially. The beach (any beach really) is my safe & happy haven. This journey of DB really has been like a wave--up & down, crashing or cruising, sometimes rough, and sometimes even smooth, even if only for a short while. For me, the end goal is down, cruising, and smooth.
So somewhere after many years M, kids, and life's hardships, things got to be more than we could manage. I can't even pinpoint when it started because I was blinded by love and adoration for my H. In our circle of friends I became increasingly uncomfortable with his "friendship" with OW. My instinct knew early on, but I didn't know for many months. We argued more and more (creating a greater divide) and she pursued in a parallel fashion. My H being king of the Nice Guy Club did not have boundaries with women at all.
So they carried on with this ea with kissing in the park (typing that actually made me LOL at how foolish they were and how embarrassing it should be for them. Sigh). My father was dying at the time so my judgment was clouded. My instincts knew early on, and my disdain for her was growing rapidly in an indescribable way. She would use the kids to see him, sign him up for things, text him often, and even come to my house (or have him over) without me. I would call him out often and he would listen, agree to cut her off, actually cut her off, yet he acted oblivious to my concerns. I had nothing to hold on to, so I just felt crazy. The worst part of it was H of course and his actions. The mental abuse/torture as H was gaslighting me for months, and while I was grieving, I still find appalling. I will never in my life trust another man (H or anyone) over my own internal voice (even if I don't understand it). Lesson learned!
So official BD happened 3 years ago. These dummies got caught hanging out at the park (that story is too glorious and really should be an after school special). After several weeks of me doing all the wrong things I kicked him out (thinking he wouldn't go). He did. And then OW left her H and they began to start their real fantasy R together. Turns out that was just a lot of drama, but despite trying to leave, he was totally sucked in for about 10 months.
Meanwhile I was struggling, as were my kids. I was a mess. A disaster. It breaks my heart to think of what I went through and how my family and friends all struggled (including OW's H, who is a friend). I found DB book and site and read often. This site (and the vets) got me through so many dark days. I am forever grateful for all of you. It took me a long time to be able to apply the principles tho. Finally I did; I dropped the rope and started to plan a life without him. He very quickly did a 180 and came back. Was it what I did or was he turning around anyhow? I can't say for sure, but maybe some degree of both.
So he has been back for over 2 years--MC for 1 year, a lot of hard work piecing, and recently we attended Retrouvaille. That is where I am at today. I think right now my success lies more in my own growth, strength, and detachment than from saving my M. That is still a work in progress. Either way I know I will be fine in this life with or without him.
That was longer than I meant for it to be! Sorry! ... I will be back soon to address the previous posters.
