Here again part 6

[25yearsmlc]

I just can't allow him to leave and come back for a second time. It's just how I feel. He was remorseful last time and changed and I thought it was for good and we worked on our issues to avoid this again but we didn't.


and therefore, how would it be different now?

I don't want to let him go. My heart is in a million pieces. I want us to enjoy our new baby and our family.

I know what I want doesn't matter. It just hurts tremendously.

I don't know that we are at the impasse. I have reached out stepped out. What more am I or was I supposed to do ??

Oh T0...I could be wrong but to me, the impasse is kind of clear.


But there are a few other things I want to share with you. I fully grasp that you cannot do another DB deal. I get it. For many of us, probably most, it's a once in a life time deal

My question is what do you REALLY know?

No - I don't mean the OW thing - which still seems vague and incomplete.
I mean the whole "WTF is going on with my m??" this DB ordeal going on in your heart/head. How many times can you endure this?

I journaled here 10 years ago that if H had another Alaskan episode OR if there was an OW, I'd "walk away and not look back."

It helped to find that journal entry. Yet I still struggle. Maybe not so much with the DBing but with just accepting that many years were all for what?

It's like a gambler's syndrome. You play & play poker (or a slot machine or whatever you related to)

but the house wins most of the time. Not always, but usually...and you are losing money...

Sure, you win some hands. So you decide you CAN keep playing. (You CAN stay in the m!)

B/c sometimes you do get a payoff...but you mostly lose little amounts, often... or bigger amounts, and you lose bigger hands, your feelings are hurt more or there are nastier fights or longer periods of distance and coldness...

times you try to call him on a bluff but your radar is off...you cannot see what is exactly happening...or you fear you really are losing out...

So you keep playing even in the face of believing that you really probably are not going to win the game. WHY do you keep playing?

Because if you fold and walk away, then all those chips, (the years of m, the history you built, AND the future you planned)

seem all lost on the table. OMG All wasted? NO it Surely cannot be true! Surely the house would not cheat or just keep winning. Surely If I play correctly, I will win the big payoff and it'll all be worth it then...

So you keep playing. And at some point there are players who cannot play anymore b/c the house has won all their chips. They've lost it all.

And for some there comes a time when you just fold. So You take your remaining chips to play something else, or somewhere else or you save & INVEST the chips somewhere and you get a different type of payoff....or at least you lose no more.

Do I hope at some level that my h will awaken and see the wreckage AND want to repair it? That he will be SO SORRY...YES I admit that.

Of course there is. At this moment, I think it's mostly ego. B/c I don't see him paying back all my chips. I don't see ever being made whole...f

I don't think I have a big sincere desire to reconcile (b/c I certainly doubt we'd have the strength to piece), so it's mostly ego, and a desire for my kids to see that if you lie, are selfish, keep secrets, you don't win...(the "justice" of it all)


So, T0 What are your fears of divorce? Losing all the chips on the table? Losing the m or losing this man, or your past m and not getting it all back, or the future you wanted to have (but now, at some level, realize it likely won't happen even if you remain m??)

Maybe the only thing worse than being alone is wishing you were...

I hate being the rejected person, even though I filed (and I THINK h pretends he felt "hurt" by me filing, which is nutty) and i hate the financial fears and If I were you I'd feel "saddled/blessed" by 3 LOVELY boys b/c in the dating market I'd think I was hampered...

(like being 57 is).

and yet, are these^^ fears and self doubts truly reason for staying m?

I am not sure what this^^ offers you in terms of insight.

I admit My main goal before a month ago was to get you to the birth and then see. And what I see, is nothing has changed for you.

IF I were to say what I would do in your shoes, but NOT knowing your h


I'd fold. I'd cut my losses and stop the internal churning. Whether it's your own neurosis, and or combined with his, or worse on his end, it almost does not matter now.

HOWEVER I will stand by whatever decision you make.

I'm not here to be right. I'm not here looking for validation of my opinion.
I'm here to be supportive of someone in a lousy position.