Do you not believe that if he lives the life he thinks he is missing that he may come to some conclusions about what he really wants?
Ultimatums can be withdrawn. You could tell him, lovingly, that being there doesn't seem to be making him happy, and as a result you are not happy, and as a result it is not a good situation for your children.
He seems like sand slipping through your fingers and you are clenching as tightly as you can.
Seems like sometimes you might also benefit from the space and distance.
I have read lots and lots of threads on these and other boards. I know it is anecdotal, but I don't think there is anything suggesting that either approach is more successful than the other.
In this situation you have tried to the best of your ability to keep him there, but he seems to drive you crazy and keep you constantly in an unsettled state.
I kept my H home for 5 or more years after I knew we had problems (an emotional affair, talk of divorce, coldness, distancing, withholding). I can tell you that as hard as it was when I saw him go, that it is still easier to have him gone. I would never have made him leave (twice) had my children not told me that it is what they wanted, and I thought I was keeping him here for me.
Ultimately it is your decision and you have to make it. But ask yourself this, is going on this way for the next 2, 5, 10 years the way you want to live? If this is all he has for you, is it enough? How is being alone any worse than that?
