180man Thread 4

[25yearsmlc]

180

2 things. On one hand, I notice whenever I discuss dating, coffee, or getting serious into a "r" either about my own situation or yours, you tend to make what I say far more exaggerated than what I actually said or meant. The written word can lack subtext but
I choose my words carefully and I hope accurately. So there is Nothing implied, or secretly meant or hinted at. I'm direct as you know. If you feel defensiveness rising, take a step back and don't read into things, just the words at face value okay?

Second, Let me play devils' advocate (or whatever the right term would be). Because I don't want to rain on your parade. I think if I say all this once, then I can stfu and then stand back and just say "cheers!"

First, What has changed in your situation that has made such a mark on your attitude?

I don't believe it's the GAL - b/c I have not heard a seismic change in how you are pushing your comfort zones far, or doing brand new activities or meeting lots of new people you'd never meet otherwise,

or making discoveries about yourself...

I think its the idea of replacing your w with a new woman.

"YOU HAVE WON A SHINY NEW CAR!! (so there's no need to learn how to change the oil & filter in the old car, let alone overhaul a transmission, or even know if that's what the pesky blinking red light meant.

It is justSO MUCH easier to just buy another car & start fresh!

(That's what WAS's do, btw)

Otherwise we have fix it or take some car repair classes--and maybe.... figure out something about what to do when that weird light starts to blink...but not now!


because That hurts and we must stop the hurt...


I read a great article I wish I could link to you. It's about why 2nd marriages fail more often than first. Accuracy says It might be partly b/c it's just easier to do than our first marriages, and there's some truth to that.

But in your next m (Not saying bowling is a 2nd m, I know)

but when you do remarry, I am guessing there will be kids & even more investment than the M that seems to be ending now...so care must be taken, right?

One factor that increases the chance of a 2nd m ending is The speed with which the person remarries after their first m ends. Takes time to learn from our mistakes and it takes time to heal. Seems simple...


I don't think you are healed by a long shot. I don't know how much you have changed either, but the fact that you are suddenly "So much better" is telling.

Seems like you want so much to bandage that sucking chest wound, not to mention soothe a badly damaged ego - WHICH I RELATE TO, to be fair... it concerns me for you.

You are young so you are without much R or heartbreak experience. You don't know how to heal on your own. Most of us don't.

I know dating again is going to be (mostly) good for my ego.

So I'm with you there.

BUT I managed a recon 10 years ago (which took almost 2 years and happened just before my internal deadline for limbo, would have ended).

Looking back, I think if we had pieced correctly, I Know I would not be here again.

But this^^ dating OPs made me realize something. I could see how your w and how my h could do what they did. NOT defending them, but seeing how they can avoid looking at the wreckage...which you and I both know is not healthy for them, let alone lovely for us.

In my situation, and not in defense of h at all, I now see how h could be so cruel and oblivious without apparent guilt. Not that I'd know...

In the Past decade he had a weird - unhealthy way of morphing shame into Blame. Amazing ability to deflect from his own wrongdoing even when it's not debatable.

He could not hold onto remorse or guilt, or do self reflection that didn't make him feel good, for long. He just hid from it or lashed out. And ta dah!!! Now he has OW!

No need for self reflections!! No need to "heal" when he can cover the scar, never mind what wounds he inflicted on others, no need to look!

There is a new "Comforting" image in his face to focus on, NOT his flaws, not his errors, not his first m...

A man who can leave a 35 year marriage (with a truly sick vulnerable wife - which, btw, I had never been before so it's not like I was an invalid dragging him down)

and with 3 children, shocked me. Your w seemed confused and then...done...?

Mind you, our history is filled with rags to riches story, numerous educational achievements and an amazing connection. We created a beautiful family.

H chose the most demanding of careers (a 2nd career to change into) which harmed his r's with the kids, of course, and that alienation HE created with so much time apart, bothered him and hurt our d's...

ALL THIS^^^ is nothing he needs to think of b/c he has OW. He can run to her and

She can soothe his wounded ego or heart

(I have to believe- he at least misses our kids) and I WANT to believe he misses ME and our conversation and my wit and brilliance, us enjoying sex, - even if it's all fireworks with OW now, it was once all fireworks with us, etc

but he has OW in his face telling him he's great. So what if he cut off our d19 from college? So what if he left me alone WHILE sick, so he could go on his adventure? So what if that looks appalling to those who know the truth?

He does not have to face the truth!
TODAY he need not look at the pain he inflicted on the 4 people who loved him the most OR on the pain he may ALMOST feel...

h is in a new exciting area, in a novel r with a OW who I presume "admires" him b/c I know for a fact h craves admiration (pretty much regardless of what h does) and there's no negative history - or good history but that's easy to hide from at this point-

whereas I'm in my old stomping grounds, where we lived when first married,

but thankfully also where my family and oldest friends are. Lots of reminders for me. Which I will change, in time.


Meanwhile, imo, You are in pain and there seems to be a detour from the painful path...you can run to that path, away from your pain. That exit path does not make it ALL unhealthy 180 -

but it makes me think the learning you were doing is going to be side railed or unlearned. And I'm not sure this is a "180"...

I more than relate to how much better I would feel, today, if I were dating. If anyone is used to being part of a married couple and mom, it's ME.

but
1) you are putting a bandaid on your pain

and it's not great news for the JAG. The rebound relationship bodes poorly for her, most of all.

Btw, It is interesting that you would choose to date another military woman,

Play it out.... (180, don't get defensive now and say "it's just bowling!". I know that. I'm asking you to think forward for a few minutes. Hence the phrase, "play it out".)

In the unlikely event you marry a JAG officer, then we know either one of you leaves the military & surrenders their career- like I did for my h - or you will face deployments & transfers again, and all the fears and doubts WILL COME UP for you

OKAY so right now,

again you are saying "Lighten up 25, it's just bowling! You are projecting"

And if I thought for 3 minutes that you'd be alright "just bowling" and not seeing this JAG for, say, over a month, and if you were honest with her about where you really are in this process and not reeking of need,

then I'd bow out and say "hey, enjoy yourself, you deserve some fun!" I mean, I hope that's ^^all true.

but your excitement level suggests otherwise.

2) I worry you are not staying on your growth path b/c now it's all about winning THIS woman, not about authentic work on yourself. I really hope you'll still go to EE this summer. Are you?

3) I want you to be happy. But in my timeline world, how many months has it been that you have been in a "personal growth - despite my pain" mode, in total?


How will You be different in another marriage to anyone, than before?

I'm not saying you will marry THIS woman. I get that!! NOR am I saying you must keep working on your m to reconcile. There are valid reasons Not to do so...

But play it out with the JAG, b/c if you don't marry her, which we assume is the case, then how will you handle a break up on her end? Are you ready for that?

Accuracy said the worst part of dating again was realizing HE would have to break up with people and hurt them. So there's that to consider too. We know how it feels to be on this end of it.
Given how the old you avoided painful discussions ("conflict") what would be different now?

BTW Yes I'm going to have coffee with a guy this week. I have known him for decades, though we'd lose touch for years at a time. He's not a brand new person in my life, b/c we actually dated 38 years ago, before I chose & married h. "G" and I have always had at least a friendship, and I never forgot that.

At a minimum we will still have a good friendship.

180 - I totally acknowledge the piece of this^^ that sure feels like healing.

It FEELS like GAL...

But it's also a bandage b/c I just want to stop the bleeding, too. So Yes I get it.

yet we know that seeing someone new, is Not really healing, is it?

Just be honest with what this is for you, it's an AID to healing our egos. That's fine.

But how can it be a lot else at this point?

We cannot heal without deep reflective very uncomfortable personal work.

Like a surgery we still have to do, even if there's a pressure bandage on the wound, there have to be some more cuts.

(Yes I do like my metaphors)


I am learning that I can stay on my own path and figure things out and NOT "need" a man in my life to be complete.

I am coming to believe This "single hood" is a crucial step in me self actualizing.

Learning to live on my own and liking it IS making sure I like myself, on my own.

This^^ seems mandatory.

What do you think?